21 Thanksgiving Table Scripts For The Relative Who Always Starts Sh*t

It happens every year but it never gets less jarring. That one drunk uncle brings up politics (and never in a thoughtful way). Your mother-in-law asks about that one sensitive subject that’s really none of her business. Your grandma comments on how much food is on your teen daughter’s plate. Whatever the topic, family gatherings have a way of bringing a bunch of people with differing opinions around one table, where they’re just comfortable enough with everyone to spew their hot takes and outdated perspectives. If you have someone like this in your family, here are some Thanksgiving table scripts to respond to that one relative who always starts sh*t.

There’s nothing worse than when that one pot-stirring family member crosses you and you immediately feel your temper flare red hot. Or you get completely flustered and fumble for words. When someone pushes a boundary of yours, take a beat before responding.

“Pause, take a breath, and press your feet into the ground to feel a bit more grounded. Give yourself permission to slow down and stay in your body so you don't feel pressured to keep answering or discussing something you're not comfortable with. You don't owe anyone at the dinner table answers you aren't comfortable giving,” says Chloë Bean, LMFT, a somatic trauma therapist in Los Angeles.

You’re not alone in feeling like the holidays are a hotbed for family conflict, experts say.

“Perhaps things start off great, but after a few rounds of seasonal cocktails, Uncle So-and-So and Grandma Such-and-Such start spouting off some out-of-pocket sh*t. This has only increased as our socio-political climate intensifies and the gap between generational understandings widens,” says Whitney Polich, LICSW, licensed clinical social worker. “Despite this happening every year, perhaps we are still a bit gobsmacked and unsure of what to say, until the drive home when the perfect clapback comes to mind.”

Whether you clap back in the moment and escalate or would rather de-escalate, practicing a few responses in your head (or even in the mirror) ahead of the gathering can help you stay grounded and protect your peace.

There are three genres of response you could go with here, says Ashley Hamm, LPC, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in anxiety and people-pleasing.

1. Act surprised.

“Sometimes acting surprised or baffled is enough to throw someone off-kilter and get them off the subject. This is especially useful if someone is sharing something problematic that they might know deep down is inappropriate to share,” says Hamm.

Try these: “I’m surprised you feel comfortable sharing ideas like that.” “I have no idea what you are talking about.” “I’m surprised to hear you say that; I didn’t know people I knew held these types of views.”

2. Change the subject.

Keep a few alternate subjects in the back of your mind in case you need a quick diversion — a conversational smoke bomb, if you will.

Think: “Speaking of the news, I saw a really funny story about…” “Speaking of the news, I saw a really heartwarming story about…” “I’d rather not talk about our opinions on that because I don’t get to see you very often, and I’d rather hear about what you’ve been up to personally!”

3. Ignore them.

“Simply acting like you didn’t hear them is a great strategy to stay disentangled from sensitive or divisive topics. Using some of the changing topics ideas above, you can simply start a new topic, or respond to the most recent unproblematic thing someone said,” Hamm says.

For example: “Oh, Aunt Mary, you were just talking about your recipe for the green bean casserole. I’d love to hear more about where you found it.” “Hmm, not sure what to say to that. Anyways, I’ve been trying to watch more movies lately. Has anyone seen anything good?”

Here are even more replies to consider from Polich and Bean:

• “That's a complicated topic and I'd rather talk about something else.”
• “I know you're curious, but this is something I don't talk about openly.”
• “I'm going to pass on that one. But, how's your job been going?”
• “Let's save that for another time. Who brought the pie? It looks delicious!”
• “I've answered that already. I'm going to grab dessert.”
• “Hmmm, I can hear you're really interested in my life choices and have some opinions about them. I'd like to keep this holiday as light and fun as possible.”
• “I don't get into heavy topics like that.”
• “I appreciate your curiosity, but that topic feels very personal to me and I am not really in the mood to discuss. Pass the sweet potato casserole?”
• “That's a wild thing to say out loud.”
• “What you just said is not sitting well with me. I think it's best we change the subject and discuss this another time.”
• “I have stated [insert your boundary here] a few times now. Is there something you are not understanding about what I am saying?”
• “I can tell you feel passionately about this, and I want to have a conversation about it when we can both focus. Let's table this for now.”
• “If you are open to hearing my perspective on that, I am open to sharing more, but from your tone, I am feeling like that may not be possible at this moment.”

Bookmark ‘em for your family’s Thanksgiving and thank yourself later.