The Resentment Of Being The Parent Who Can Never Clock Out

You had a certain expectation for what new motherhood would look like: Friends and family stopping by, your partner playing peek-a-boo with the baby, and even yourself feeling calm, patient, and present when the baby cries.

Reality might look a bit different, though. You blink, and your partner heads back to work, reading a newly cracked novel on the commute. Your friend drops by with pastries, then jets off to a yoga class. Everyone’s gone but you and the baby.

You’re at home, wading through a pile of burp cloths and hoping the baby naps long enough for you to choke down a sandwich. If you’re feeling a little ragey about that, you’re not alone. In one 2022 cross-sectional survey, nearly a third of new moms reported feeling intense anger.

But who are you actually angry with, and are you even mad, or — let's be brutally honest for a second — just jealous of their freedom and spontaneity? What’s really going on is likely more complicated than that, but there are things you can do things about it besides screaming into a pillow.

Postpartum rage is real.

Anger is often underrepresented in research on the postpartum period, and tends to fly under the radar when moms get screened for perinatal depressive and anxiety disorders, as it can occur without elevated depressive symptoms, says Christine Ou, Ph.D., lead author of the aforementioned survey, assistant professor at the University of Victoria in Canada, and founder of the school’s Parent-Child Lab. “So asking only about depression may miss mothers who are struggling [with anger],” she says.

In a 2018 review, which Ou co-authored, researchers found that several factors contributed to moms’ anger, including a feeling of powerlessness and a misalignment between expectations and reality.

But you can also feel angry simply because having a newborn is hard. Moms were often mad because “their needs were compromised, and they were exhausted or stressed,” says Ou, as to why many new moms reported feeling anger. That’s pretty par for the course during the newborn haze, but being stuck at home — especially without help or breaks — can intensify those emotions.

Why being at home can set you off

Babies can bring a lot of joy, but staying at home around the clock with one is no picnic. First, newborns operate on an unpredictable schedule and demand constant supervision, making it feel like a logistical nightmare to get out of the house. Compounding that, mothers have historically been cast as the ‘default parent,’ says Paige Bellenbaum, L.C.S.W., founding director of The Motherhood Center, a clinic in New York City that provides care for women with postpartum depression (PPD). In traditional families, they’re “the ones physically with the baby most of the day and night, carrying most of the mental and emotional load, and managing the logistics, often while preparing for their own return to work,” says Bellenbaum.

Even if parents split duties pretty evenly within their own orbit, external factors can still throw that balance off. Take the fragmented, inadequate, and deeply unequal parental leave in the US: Often the dad or non-birthing partner ends up returning to work first. When that happens, the parent who remains at home “may feel envy, anger, or a sense of abandonment,” says Bellenbaum. Being home day in and day out with a baby can be isolating, even if you do get help from family or well-meaning visitors, she adds.

It's not just one person returning to work that creates this isolation. Reliable childcare can cost as much as your monthly mortgage these days, which means many birthing parents may make the tough but economical decision to stay home with the baby. “Everyone else can come and go, while she remains responsible for the baby, with no real opportunity to step away,” says Ou.

You could argue that the parent who’s heading into the office doesn’t necessarily want to be away from their family nor view it as an “escape.” Nevertheless, they “get to step back into their former life, stopping for coffee on the way into work, using the bathroom when they need to, and feeling useful and connected to the outside world,” says Bellenbaum. Plus, heading back to work can restore elements of their pre-baby life they may have been missing, like adult conversation, structure, control, and a sense of mastery and accomplishment, she adds. Meanwhile, the mom at home takes a 30-second shower and sings Wheels on the Bus for the 40th time in a row.

It’s not just about anger.

It’s normal to feel a lot of emotions in the postpartum phase — joy, frustration, rage, loneliness, anxiety, sadness, gratitude, you name it, says Ou. But that mix can make it hard to figure out exactly what you’re feeling.

While postpartum anger can happen independent of PPD, the two are clearly linked. For instance, Ou’s survey found that anger and PPD can also occur at the same time; in fact, those who screened positive for depressive symptoms had almost four times the odds of reporting intense anger. (But the survey couldn’t establish which came first.)

“When the circumstances behind a mother’s anger don’t change, when she remains overwhelmed, unsupported, or unheard, she may start to feel helpless or hopeless, which could contribute to depression.”

It’s not surprising: Imagine telling people you’re feeling trapped in your house — and no one seems to care. “When the circumstances behind a mother’s anger don’t change, when she remains overwhelmed, unsupported, or unheard, she may start to feel helpless or hopeless, which could contribute to depression,” says Ou. Maybe your partner acknowledges the struggle but doesn’t actually change anything, or you don’t feel comfortable or safe expressing your anger. Both can contribute to the development of PPD.

You might feel guilty for feeling trapped in the first place. After all, aren’t moms supposed to want to soak up as much time as possible with their babies? And, in a country where parental leave isn’t guaranteed, isn’t it a privilege to be at home with your newborn? Despite these arguments being flawed — they’re ignorant of the realities of newborn needs and nonexistent help for moms — this narrative can put a lot of pressure on moms, or even make you feel like you’re not doing right by your child. “Guilt and shame about being angry can add to that distress, potentially contributing to or worsening depressive symptoms,” says Ou.

How to get the help you need

First, know that it’s normal to be angry or irritable—period. But if you notice yourself getting worked up, take stock of how often you get angry, and how mad you get. If anger is frequent, intense, difficult to manage, or affecting your relationships or everyday life, that warrants a discussion with your doctor, says Ou. As is “feeling scared by your anger, or that you have little control over your reactions,” she adds. Postpartum Support International offers a peer support group for postpartum anger and rage, which may be a potential resource.

A screening from your healthcare provider can also be helpful since it may factor in other symptoms like crying and sadness, changes in sleep or appetite, a lack of interest in the baby, a sense of hopelessness or helplessness, or thoughts of harming yourself or the baby, according to Bellenbaum. “When these are present along with the anger, PPD may be at play,” she says.

However, getting professional help is not a replacement for making changes in your home and routine, if needed, stresses Bellenbaum. These tactics can help.

Rethink the division of labor.

Since anger often stems from a lack of equality, it helps to start by looking at the division of labor in a partnered relationship. “Who gets more opportunities to sleep?” says Ou. “Who can leave without making arrangements? Who notices what needs doing, and who is responsible for making sure it happens?” Assessing this together allows you both to see who’s shouldering more of the work. “When that load is shared more equitably, resentment tends to ease, and a sense of shared responsibility emerges,” says Bellenbaum.

If and when you identify the areas of inequality, the partner should take “more ownership of tasks, night shifts, and the mental planning, not just ‘helping’,” says Bellenbaum, who recommends a card-based system called Fair Play that helps partners rebalance household work and divide invisible mental labor (like remembering to schedule doctor appointments). “Instead of splitting every chore 50/50, each partner takes full ownership of specific responsibilities, divided in a way that both people feel is fair,” she says.

Make the breaks count.

“Genuine off-duty time means someone else is fully responsible for the baby,” says Bellenbaum. In other words, mom’s not on standby. She’s not listening for cries or manning the monitor, and she’s also not checking her phone or expecting a call because her partner feels the baby “wants mommy,” she explains. That can be hard, especially if the mom is afraid to leave the baby or feels guilty about being away, but it’s a worthwhile exercise for everyone. Otherwise, it “can make it harder for her partner to learn to care for the baby on their own,” she says.

Non-partnered parents need breaks, too. “Friends and family can bring food, do laundry, or hold the baby for half an hour,” says Ou. Run errands alone one evening while the baby stays home with a loved one. “A grocery run might be a chore, but it can also mean getting out of the house, being alone, and deciding what happens next without having to respond to a baby and their needs,” she says.

Partners, give her clear support.

If a new mom in your life is dealing with anger or isolation, there are ways you can support her. Instead of asking what she needs, be specific and offer choices, like "I can do some laundry for you or bring over food for you. Which would help more?” says Bellenbaum.

If going out with friends or on a date night feels like too much for the mom, that's okay. "Separating from the baby is hard, and it often takes small steps before big ones,” says Bellenbaum. In this case, offer to watch the baby while she goes for a walk, go grocery shopping with her while you push the stroller, or hold the baby at the salon while she gets a haircut.

The bottom line? Feeling angry because your world feels small right now doesn’t make you a bad mom. “You can love your baby and resent having so little freedom over your own time,” says Ou. “Both things can be true.” It just means you need more sleep, a conversation with other adults, or an hour or two out of the house, and having those needs met only makes you a better parent to your baby.

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