Ask Scary Mommy: When Did You Really Know Your Marriage Was Over?

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

Dear Scary Mommy,

I’m in an unhappy marriage. But no matter how much I think about it, I can’t figure out if I should keep trying to work on things, keep trying to put things in a different perspective, keep fighting to keep the family together, keep pushing down the feelings I’m having. Don’t all couples have problems — how do I know if mine are bad enough to start over? Am I being selfish? How good is good enough?

When do you really know your marriage is over?

— Stay or Go?

Dear Stay or Go,

For me personally, the moment I knew divorce was the answer was the moment I knew that my husband had stopped trying. I was ready to try everything, to work hard, to stick to my vows. But when he told me that he only wanted to stay married for the kids and for appearances — but that he didn’t love me anymore and would never touch me affectionately again — I was confident that divorce was the right choice for me.

When he said he wouldn’t try counseling, date nights, or even talking it out, I was done.

But also — I know that there are a lot of other “right” answers to this question. So I asked all of our readers to share their own thoughts. And this is what they said.

“When I started to see the negative affects of my relationship on my children.”

“When it became harder to stay than it was to leave.”

“When the idea made me feel relieved instead of scared.”

“On the same day as our anniversary dinner, I found a forclosure notice and our water turned off. He was a gambling addict.”

“He refused to stop cheating.”

“He had a friend ask my friends if I had been lying about my whereabouts.”

“He yelled at me for not giving him enough attention at my friend’s birthday party.”

“When he began to act like a 45-year-old frat boy.”

“I realized I couldn’t live the next 30 years like I was then.”

“When he refused to take me to the hospital when I was having chest pains. I had to drive myself 45 minutes.”

“We had another fight, another silent dinner, and my son said, ‘Well this is fun,’ and I realized I would leave for my kid.”

“When I would be next to him and I just felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin.”

“When his cell rang at my best friend’s funeral after I asked him to leave his phone in the car.”

“I asked him to put his seatbelt on and he shouted at me in front of the kids.”

“Whenever he left, life felt better. Noticing I was the OG me without him!”

“When the idea of being alone with him both nauseated me and scared me.”

“When I found out my husband had been having an affair for years and that my sons knew before me.”

“He didn’t see any issue with taking his son’s Adderall.”

“I saw another husband belittle and demean his wife and I finally realized I was in the same boat.”

“I stopped caring or thinking about the future.”

“My daughter was put in the line of fire ONCE. I took her and left two days later.”

“Leaving therapy my ex said, ‘I thought more of this was going to be your fault.’”

“When I would park the car in front of the house and sit there not wanting to go in.”

“When I realized I would never want my daughter to be treated the way I was being treated.”

“When my housework load doubled after having a baby but his didn’t.”

“I realized how much life with him was affecting my children. I couldn’t be the mom I needed to be.”

“My house didn’t feel like home. I didn’t want to be there.”

“When I was basically the wife and my husband was like another child.”

“When I shrank so small I barely existed anymore.”

“When I found gift receipts for his teenaged girlfriend. He was 45.”

“After he cheated for years and then asked for an open relationship. That’s a hard no!”

“When he left me alone at the ER with iour child because he couldn’t be bothered to come.”

“You pretend to be asleep when he gets home because faking sleep is better than his company.”

“When I stopped caring about anything he had to say.”

“When I asked him if he still loved me and he hesitated.”

“When the thought of being a widow left me with relief, not grief (my ex is fine BTW).”

“When he publicly said, ‘You do nothing.’”

“I didn’t want either of us held hostage in the relationship anymore. We both deserved more.”

“When I had a stroke and he told me to just get over it.”

“When I felt totally detatched, physically and emotionally.”

“Accepting he was never going to change and that I did not want to live that way.”

“When you don’t even hate them anymore, you’re just filled with indifference.”

“When I thought about it daily.”

“When our son was 6 and he said, “Is he really mine?’”

“I couldn’t buy him a birthday card or anniversary card without feeling like a total liar.”

“When he tried to touch me and my whole body would go stiff and shut down.”

“When I had no energy left to fix things.”

“When I realized I was worthy of so much more.”

“When the ICK became permanent.”

“When I was crying, he stared at me with a blank look and asked what was for dinner.”

“Time spent with him brought more pain than joy.”

“He stormed out of the house once when I really needed help. I realized I was alone anyway.”

“When his girlfriend called.”

“When he made me the reason for his cheating and took zero accountability.”

“He came home at 6 am and couldn’t get out of bed to go to our family photo session.”

As you can see, different people have different limits, needs, and boundaries — and that’s okay. But hopefully hearing other women’s stories can help you make your own decision. Wishing you happiness either way.

— Scary Mommy

Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.

If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!