Who Gets The Friends In The Divorce? The Answer Depends

The year was 2011. It was 9 a.m., and I had just dropped my 3-year-old daughter off at preschool. As I began pushing the stroller with baby number two along 3rd Avenue in New York City, I heard a male voice call my name. I turned around and saw him: my friend *Stephanie’s ex-husband *Eric. We hadn’t spoken since their divorce.

My ex-husband and I met Stephanie and Eric in 2007 at a Musical Munchkins class on the Upper East Side, and it sparked a great friendship. A few years later, when I was pregnant with my second daughter, Stephanie came over to tell me she and Eric were divorcing. After that, we stayed in touch — but I never saw Eric again until that moment on 3rd Avenue.

As Eric approached me, he gave me a friendly hug, a warm hello and gushed over my little girl. Seconds after the cordial banter began, Eric took a step back and said, “Wait, am I allowed to talk to you? I don’t know what the protocol is, how this works, or who gets who in the divorce now that Stephanie and I split.” I was caught off guard by what he said, quickly replying with the first thing that came to mind, which was, “I’m here for your family and would never take sides since this was a private matter between the two of you.”

Little did I know how those words would take on new meaning when the tables turned.

So... who does get the friends?

In 2018, I filed for a divorce after 13+ years of marriage. I never told anyone about my intentions, so when my ex-husband began telling people that I had served him with papers, the news spread like wildfire. My phone blew up with text messages, voicemails, and missed calls, including many from his best friend’s wife, who had become my dear friend. While I was still trying to process the enormity of what was happening, I took a step back before responding because it got me thinking: How does the friend-thing work in a divorce?

Are there rules when it comes to this sort of stuff? Are his friends off-limits to me and mine off-limits to him? What about the friends we made together, or the parents we sit with at our kids’ soccer games? Is there some sort of written guideline or handbook as to what happens in a divorce? I had a sudden flashback to my encounter with Eric on the street and hearing him ask the same questions.

According to Susan Bernstein, founder of Divorce Coach Plus, “The good news is you don’t necessarily have to choose a side if you and your ex are on amicable terms, and staying friendly with everyone is beneficial for the children. However,” Bernstein adds, “You may want to put up healthy boundaries with people in terms of what you will and will not talk about, such as not discussing the divorce or asking personal questions about the other side.”

For *Jennifer, her experience is one she would like to forget but is sadly common. She recalls how she felt like a social outcast after people in her New Jersey community found out she and her husband *Warren were splitting after 11 years. “Everyone started acting weird around me,” Jennifer tells me, “And the people I used to hang out with were suddenly distancing themselves or finding excuses why they couldn’t talk to me if I ran into them at the store. It was like they couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”

Freedom Warrior Coach Amy Polacko says, “Don’t take it personally. It’s human nature to struggle with loyalty during divorce because people want to avoid conflict, not pick a side, or simply protect their own peace. Don’t think of them as the enemy. They probably didn’t know what to do in that instant since divorce can also challenge every relationship around it.”

Here’s the thing: When couples are going through a divorce, they retain attorneys and/or a mediator to help them legally divide marital assets such as money, financial accounts, and property, and to establish a fair custody and parenting plan if they share minor children. But when it comes to “the friends,” there are no laws or legal procedures to determine how this matter is sorted out. In other words, you guys need to figure it out on your own.

How do you keep your inner circle intact?

Jill Kaufman, a therapist and co-parenting expert, notes, “If you and your soon-to-be-ex can sit down to set parameters around maintaining friendships that were made together, it can be helpful. For example, you can agree you both want to continue your friendships, and in doing so, you will respect the other's friendships by not talking poorly about each other to your mutual friends and shut down any negative comments friends try to make about your ex.”

Another option Kaufman found to be effective is working with a licensed or certified professional, such as a therapist, who can act as a neutral third party and steer you both through these issues so everyone can find reasonable solutions.

Another popular tip for maintaining friendships? Leave conversations with friends to surface-level, safe topics, which can be easier said than done. The one mistake you don’t want to make during a divorce is alienating friends, which people easily do by disclosing too much.

If you want to keep your inner circle strong, Bernstein suggests not cornering people into taking sides, because that can backfire. “Many people don’t want to hear someone constantly complain about their ex and, more importantly, no one wants to get dragged into a conflict they weren’t a part of,” she notes.

Polacko agrees, adding, “Let’s say your childhood friend asks you to side with her during her divorce. You can say something along the lines of, ‘I’ve chosen to stay close to you because of our history, but I’ll still be respectful and kind if I run into your ex, especially if he’s with your children.’”

Although it’s possible to preserve some friendships from your marriage during and after a divorce, experts say you should also mentally prepare for the possibility that your social network may shrink. For example, your ex’s pals from childhood, high school, college, or work may feel compelled to distance themselves from you if you were in the middle of a contentious divorce. Their spouses might too. “If that happens,” Polacko says, “Just shift your mindset and categorize them as a past acquaintance. Move on, hold your head up high, and be the bigger person.”

Bernstein also advises clients to use this as an opportunity to reevaluate where you are. “Think about how you want your future to look, because letting go of your old life paves the way for a fresh beginning and the chance to explore lots of potential new friendships with people you can meet when you put yourself out there and in a positive environment.”

* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.