The Real Reason You Keep Having The Same Fight With Your Partner

You come in from work and find a pile of junk mail on the counter, yet again. Your kids have had back-to-back appointments but your partner hasn’t taken them to a single one, yet again. You’ve been asking and asking for better communication about their weekend plans but suddenly they’re heading out the door unexpectedly, yet a-freaking-gain. If you feel like you’re having the same fight over and over, you’re probably both just as tired of talking about the problem as you are the problem itself. So what gives? Why do some couples repeat the same fight a thousand times without a resolution? And what can you do about it, if you’re stuck in the loop?

Having the same fight over and over? It’s probably about something deeper.

Maybe you and your partner are constantly fighting about who makes more effort in the relationship. Maybe it’s as specific as who does the dishes more. Whatever the subject matter of the fight, well, it’s likely completely beside the point, according to Amanda Ripley, conflict expert, founder of Good Conflict, and bestselling author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out.

“Most couples have one or two arguments that keep coming back, like a virus — whether it’s about money, time, or who left the dishes in the sink. We can’t always resolve these conflicts, but we can learn to navigate them much more quickly, with less suffering all around,” she says. “Recurring conflicts are almost never about what they seem to be about. There’s an understory to conflict, and it is the most interesting part.”

So what’s an understory, and how can you identify the one in your recurring argument?

“Every conflict operates on two levels: There’s the thing you argue about endlessly, and then there’s the deeper need, the one that is threatened by the conflict. That deeper issue is fueling the conflict. That’s the understory,” Ripley says.

In “The Conflict Playbook,” her newly released MasterClass, Ripley explains that there are a number of common understories. The two most common are “Respect and Recognition” and “Stress and Overwhelm.”

How To Stop Having The Same Fight Over & Over Again

First things first: You know it’s time to look for the understory when you or your partner “are having an outsized reaction to a conflict — or if the same argument keeps coming back, and you feel stuck,” Ripley says. This is a red flag that this argument you keep having, which seems to be about the dishes, is in fact the wrong argument to be having. “You’re getting lost in a never-ending debate about how to load the dishwasher and missing the more interesting, useful part of the conflict,” she explains.

You can identify the understory of a fight by asking yourself a few questions.

“For example, if your partner overreacts to something that feels very minor to you, ask yourself: Do they feel disrespected for any reason, whether they should or not? I’m amazed by how many conflicts — on social media and in real life — are really about respect,” Ripley says.

She also recommends active listening. The more a person feels listened to, the more likely they are to be vulnerable and say things that might reveal the understory to a good listener. Then you can have the conversation you really need to have, one that will actually resolve things.

What if you’re having the same fight over & over with your kid?

The same principles apply whether you’re dealing with a partner or your child, Ripley says.

“I was just talking to a teenager who likes to stay up until 3 a.m. watching YouTube, driving his parents crazy. They think he’s being lazy or defiant, and maybe he is sometimes. But the more I listened to him, the more I started to notice another understory for him. Those hours after his family goes to bed are the only time of the day or night when he’s not being watched or monitored in some way, he told me. No one is nagging, coaching, or criticizing him. For once, he feels free. For him, the understory is autonomy. That’s the deeper need.”

Acknowledging that need for autonomy could help his parents actually see change in his behavior. Maybe they could ease up on some rules elsewhere in his day, or be less helicopter-like about his tech use, for example. “At the very least, they can finally have the fight they really need to have,” says Ripley.

When is it time to ask for help?

Couples wait six years on average to seek help in unhappy relationships, Ripley says, citing research by psychologist John Gottman. But you do not have to reach a breaking point before seeking out a couples’ therapist, she explains.

“If fights are escalating quickly or feel out of control, you definitely want to seek help. But ideally, try to do it before that point. A very wise psychologist once told me that clients do best when they’re both ‘miserable and curious.’ I like that algorithm. You want to be motivated to change, but not so unhappy that you’ve lost all curiosity about why you and your partner are the way you are. A skilled therapist can help you discover the understory of a recurring fight much faster than you might on your own.”