If Your Man Refuses To Go Down On You, Stop Giving Him Blowjobs

There are a lot of things I don’t think we should “keep score” of in a relationship. Who took the trash out last, who got up with the baby last night, who didn’t throw away the empty milk carton — you know the drill. But when it comes to sex? Well. I think there are definite scenarios that tip the scales unfairly. And one of them — a male partner who refuses to go down on his female partner, yet expects to receive oral sex — is so common it’s embarrassing.

Look, I’m not saying it’s every man — there are plenty of men who not only want to give oral sex to their partners, but also really want their partner to sit on their face — but I think everyone can agree that men receiving oral sex from women is much more normalized than women receiving oral sex from men. It’s almost thought of as a given when it comes to sex, whereas a man going down on a woman? Well, that’s something special and something you simply can’t expect EvErY tImE.

Insert condescending SpongeBob meme here.

Everyone deserves to end sex feeling like they got to give and receive the same amount of pleasure. And considering we still have articles and studies and a million “ask an expert” questions about the lack of orgasms for women during sex compared to men, we clearly have a long way to go.

So I’m going to say it: If you go down on your male partner regularly and he doesn’t do the same for you, or even offer? It’s bullsh*t. And you should go on strike.

If your guy isn’t giving you oral sex, then he doesn’t get to receive it either.

Of course, there will be outliers to this. And of course, we would never force a person to perform a sex act if they were truly uncomfortable with it — that can be something you two bring up in therapy if you really want to work on it.

But I’m willing to bet that most men who don’t want to go down on their woman have a different reason. Because let’s be honest: Every woman on the history of planet Earth has heard it at least once from a guy, whether it’s her partner or not. They don’t “really like going down” on their female partners, something about it “grosses” them out, or they even blame their partner, suggesting “she doesn’t like it” and “doesn’t want me down there.”

Bro. I wonder why.

Misogyny runs deep in the world, especially when it comes to sex. It’s ingrained in so much traditional sex culture that women are meant to be ready to please, and that as long as we’re having some kind of sex, we should be enjoying it and getting turned on the whole time. There’s a reason why so many men are surprised to learn that women have faked orgasms with them before, and why so many women have absolutely faked it just to get it over with.

And that misogyny can also pour into how women view themselves during sex. Women don’t want to be on top, they want the lights off, they don’t want to sit on their partner’s face — they tell their partner they don’t like receiving oral sex because society has conditioned them to be incredibly insecure and uncertain about it.

If you’re someone who says you don’t want your partner to go down on you, I really need you to ask yourself why. Is it because society has you believing that vaginas are “gross” and that it’s somehow “worse” for a man to go down on a woman than the other way around? Is it because you’ve heard at least one man tell you he doesn’t like it and thinks it’s weird, and now that’s seared into your brain? Is it because the erotica and porn and mainstream sex you’ve seen mainly focus on a man’s pleasure, so it doesn’t even occur to you to want a man to go down on you?

Let’s think about it, babe.

Sarah Sumner, LCSW, is a sex and relationship therapist in Brooklyn. She believes figuring out the weird hemming and hawing about men going down on women is a great way to “root out misogyny in the bedroom.” And while she’s firm that it’s not fair to police what someone else does with their body — especially sexually — she does “think it’s appropriate to set boundaries about the types of pleasure you're able to offer or receive depending on the partner. That goes both ways.”

“If a man doesn't want to go down on you, I'd be curious to know why,” Sumner says. “If it is important for you to receive oral sex, and you've communicated that, is he interested in adapting the experience so it can be more enjoyable for both of you? If he's not much of a giver, do you feel otherwise respected and cared for? Or is he generally more focused on what he's getting?”

It’s that communication part that’s really so important. It’s one thing — that I stand by, quite frankly — to tell your partner “no more blowjobs until you start reciprocating,” but you really need to make sure this isn’t the first time you’ve ever mentioned it to him.

And let’s be clear...

“Everyone is responsible for their own pleasure — and you also get to want a partner who's genuinely interested in yours. Both are true,” Sumner says. “Are you communicating what you want? Do you know what that is? What are you hoping would be different if he starts giving you oral more?”

Sumner says we have years of history that have “socialized cis-hetero men and women to focus on sexual acts to define ‘good’ sex rather than your experience of it while it's happening.” She says that unless you’re really questioning those scripts on purpose, it’s easy to expect sex to look and feel a certain way. “Be kind to yourself. The more we know about what turns us on, the easier it becomes to communicate that to your partners.”

Once you’ve told your partner you’d like to receive more oral sex — and maybe shared with them that you’re a little resentful of how many times you’ve been down on your knees for them — it can help to ask them what it is that’s kept them from giving oral sex.

Sumner says you should ask your man to amplify what he likes about it and minimize what he doesn’t. “If you like the sounds she makes, can she give you more verbal affirmation during it? If you hate how sweaty you get, turn on a fan and make sure there's plenty of water nearby. Little changes can go a long way when you're trying to expand what feels good sexually. And some of those preferences are rooted in sensory needs or past experiences — not laziness or selfishness,” she adds.

Despite my insistence that a man who constantly receives blow jobs without even offering to give you oral sex is kind of a turd, it is still important that you don’t measure your man’s feminism or advocacy or love for you against how often they give you oral sex. “In the therapy room, I often hear people mapping their partner's willingness to give oral sex as a way to measure whether their partner wants to prioritize their pleasure. If that's you, there are so many ways to do this that aren't necessarily about oral,” Sumner says.

Fair. But hey, if you’ve done all the communicating and asked your man to please start giving oral pleasure and offered to try new positions or help him feel confident in it and he’s still pulling a meh face, then it’s time to make a change.

And I say treating blowjobs like he treats going down on you is a good start.