40 Reasons Kids Are The Worst Roommates Ever

by Rita Templeton
Anna Nahabed/Shutterstock

If you’ve ever shared a living space with a roommate, you’ve probably got a horror story — or at the very least, have had a few clashes over the inevitable issues of communal life. It’s hard to deal with someone who isn’t always considerate, like when they use all the hot water right before you get into the shower or drink up the last of the milk when you’re jonesing for a bowl of cereal. And chances are, if your roommates acted like inconsiderate jerks on a regular basis, you’d be kicking them to the curb, posting a new personal ad, and hoping with all your heart that the next person who moves in is at least reasonably normal and polite.

But when it comes to having kids, nobody reminds you that they are, in fact, the most terrible of housemates. It’s a damn good thing we love them because children practically devote their entire existence to doing stuff that we’d never tolerate from a co-renter. I mean, imagine how pissed you’d be if you caught a “regular” roommate doing things that your kids do all day every day, like…

Running through the house naked

Sitting on the couch naked, bare ass to cushions

Standing in front of the windows naked (helloooo, neighbors!)

Leaving the front door standing open (letting out all that “bought air”)

Leaving all the lights on, all the time, even the ones in the closets

Surprising you with unflushed dumps in the toilet

Eating all your food — even the “good stuff” you thought you’d hidden well

Taking bites out of apples and things, and then putting them back in the fridge

Licking all the cream from the Oreos or eating all the marshmallows out of the cereal

Deceptively leaving empty food containers in the pantry

Leaving wrappers scattered around all over the house, including wedged between couch cushions

Inviting their friends over and expecting you to feed (and tolerate) them

Barging into your bedroom (or the bathroom, or anywhere actually) without knocking

Leaving toothpaste crusted disgustingly in the sink

Leaving puddles on the floor after bathing despite the presence of a bath mat right there

Being generally loud and sometimes downright obnoxious

Arguing heatedly, over mostly pointless things, with you and all the other roommates

Monopolizing the TV with ridiculous shows

Using up all the tape and Band-Aids and Post-it Notes

Using up all the soap and shampoo

Using up all the shared data

Using up all the…everything

Stashing food in their rooms that inevitably rots, molds, and/or stinks to high heaven

Strewing dirty clothes all around the house

Expecting you to do their laundry

Never thanking you for doing their laundry or picking up their shit for that matter

Rummaging nosily through your drawers

Leaving your drawers hanging open

Asking meddlesome questions about your personal life

Tracking mud everywhere, then not wiping it up

Keeping their rooms untidy, to a hazmat-suit-required degree

Waking you up in the middle of the night or the crack of dawn for any number of unpleasant reasons

Perpetually asking to sleep with you

Constantly bringing home stray animals with issues like mange and fleas

Interrupting you while you’re on the phone

Using the last of the toilet paper, then not replacing the roll

Listening to the same songs over and over and over

Crying loudly on a regular basis

Complaining incessantly about doing even the least-demanding of household tasks

Not pitching in a single dime

It’s hard to imagine living with a roommate who does any of these things for long, and yet here we are: not only tolerating the enraging behaviors, but even going to great lengths to make sure our rowdy roomies are happy and well taken care of. My, how things change once you become a parent.

Lucky for them.