“The average woman gains 25 lbs or less during her pregnancy” says every parenting site ever. Then you pick up a parenting magazine and stare at the rock-hard abs of Rosie Pope, Jessica Alba, or Heidi Klum, who claim that all it took was some light nursing and a baby jogger to get their bodies back into fightin’ form. After you set the magazine on fire and consume a devil dog in two bites, your next step is to reclaim your pre-baby body. It may possibly be harder and more painful than childbirth. But if you follow these 12 simple steps, you too can nauseate the other mothers in your child’s playgroup and lose the baby weight in no time.
Step 1: Gain a ton of weight. The only way you can say “I lost 75 lbs” is to pack on 75 lbs to begin with.
Step 2: Join a gym. How do you motivate yourself back into spin class or lunge-squats when even the very thought of sitting on a toilet makes you scream in agony? Short answer: you don’t. Face it; you will never, ever, ever have the time or energy to go regularly. But just walking up the stairs to the registration desk will burn 20 calories, that one time.
Step 3: Stop eating crap. Now’s your chance to cease eating all the disgusting garbage you downed in the name of “pregnancy cravings.” So no more putting cream cheese on eggs, or using a meat tenderizer to smash candy bars and add them to your breakfast cereal.
Step 4: Breastfeed. The calories from your cream cheese eggs will literally be sucked out of you by a hungry succubus.
Step 5: Never get your baby on a regular schedule. After a few weeks of less than two hours’ sleep, you won’t be able to locate the fridge, never mind being able to open it.
Step 6: Try the “Arm’s Reach” Diet. When your newborn falls asleep on your lap, you will be stuck consuming only food you can reach without getting up. Some days you’ll feast on couch cushion candy corn and stale Pirates Booty. Other days, vitamin water and dust mites. All roads lead to weight loss.
Step 7: Wait until after the baby is born to put together the furniture. It is easier to assemble a nuclear warhead than it is to put together a baby dresser. Your Twister-like machinations will trim your midsection in no time.
Step 8: Don’t buy any clothes that fit your new body. Oprah will disapprove, but nothing will motivate weight loss like having to muffin-top your way back into your old jeans. Just resist the urge to wear your maternity pants indefinitely.
Step 9: Wear a rubber band around your wrist. Whenever you have the urge to eat something unhealthy, take the rubber band and stretch it over the top of your head and under your jaw. The ensuing pressure headache will prevent you from snacking.
Step 10: Surround yourself with healthy people. If all your friends are running half-marathons, you will be forced to support them, just to be social. You’ll definitely get those muscles moving when you drag yourself off the couch to meet them for a celebratory beer after their race.
Step 11: Surround yourself with unhealthy people. Maybe someone with strep or bronchitis. Roll the dice; see what ills your toddler brings home. When you’re in too much pain to physically swallow food, the pounds just melt away.
And if all else fails…
Step 12: Have another baby. It won’t get rid of the baby weight, but you get to eat cream cheese eggs and wear elastic pants again.
Related post: 4 Truths About Our Post-Baby Bodies