Parenting

I Lost My Brazilian Waxing Virginity

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“Okay, pull your knees up to your chest. It’s time for the butt strips!”

How did I get here? How is this my life? Is this really happening?

Flashback to two days ago when a conversation with my bestie revealed that she goes to a salon every 4-6 weeks to get a Brazilian wax.

“You just lie there spread eagle…. for a STRANGER? Baring it all? But I haven’t done that since college!”

She loves it, her husband loves it, and she’s been getting waxed for ten years. She suggested I make an appointment to which I said, “No way, I could never do that.”

We both laughed, but the wheels were already turning. Is this something that women do, that MOMS do, and I missed the memo?

In my head, women who get Brazilian waxes are young, fit, bikini models. Could a 40-year-old, fat mom of five get a Brazilian wax? Is this something for women with saggy postpartum tummies? Women who have wobbly bits, and huge thighs? Women who haven’t worn a bikini since they were three years old? Is this something that I should try?

With a racing brain, I headed to Google. Where, with the click of a button, I could find all the answers to my most ridiculous, anxiety riddled questions.

“Can a fat person get a Brazilian wax?”

“Can a person with a FUPA get a Brazilian wax?”

“Will they ask me to pull my fupa out of the way during a Brazilian wax?”

“What if I break the table during a Brazilian wax?”

“Do you have to get on all fours ass up during a Brazilian wax?”

“What if I fart during a Brazilian wax?”

You get the idea.

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Guess what? It turns out that humans of all ages, shapes, and sizes get waxed. Every single day. Men, women, young, old, skinny, fat … all of the above. It is something that many people enjoy as part of their regular hygiene routine. Looking at my razor, and thinking about my frequent razor burns, and ingrown hairs, it didn’t take very long to make up my mind.

I quickly made an appointment at a popular waxing chain for the next day. I knew this was something that I wanted to try, and if I didn’t make an appointment as soon as possible, I would most definitely chicken out. You only live once, right? So you might as well see what it’s like to have all of your pubes ripped out, while simultaneously leaving your soul on the table. Yep, let’s do this!

Twelve hours later, I am sitting in the parking lot for my appointment.

What are you doing? Just go home!

They are going to laugh at you!

This is going to HURT!

Someone is going to wax your BUTTHOLE!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I gain the courage to go into the salon. I quickly explain to the receptionist that I am a Brazilian waxing virgin. She flashes me a huge smile and welcomes me.

“Wonderful! This is going to change your life! You are going to leave here feeling like a new woman!”

I am failing to see how looking like a Sphynx cat is going to be life changing, but I am up for the adventure … I think.

A few minutes pass, and I am escorted to a waxing room by my new best friend, Ashley.

Ashley assures me that I have a normal body. That she sees 20 or more vaginas and buttholes every day. She has seen it all. All of it. Anything I can imagine, Ashley has seen. She has this very warm aura, and I immediately feel as if I am in a safe space.

Time to drop trou and hop on the table. Which, guess what? Doesn’t break.

Ashley takes her time to explain the process. When needed, she asks me to help by holding my skin tight, or holding my fupa up and out of the way. It isn’t awkward, I don’t feel judged, and nothing is as big of a deal as I made it out to be in my head. Also, surprisingly, nothing is painful. I wouldn’t describe the sensation of my pubic hair being pulled out as fun, but it isn’t awful. The wax is very warm and smooth. Ashley takes her time, and we talk about our summer plans as a nice distraction. It turns out we vacation at the same beach!

“Okay, pull your knees up to your chest, it’s time for the butt strips!”

I pull my hands over my eyes and cringe. She is going to see a part of me that I’m not sure my husband has ever seen. Okay, maybe a few times in our twenties when we were drunk and experimental. Am I REALLY GOING TO LET ASHLEY WAX MY BUTTHOLE?

Yes, and yes. And honestly, it wasn’t bad at all. And I didn’t fart!

All done, undies back on … what in the hell just happened to me?

Back in the waiting room, the smiling receptionist says, “Wasn’t it wonderful? Don’t you feel amazing?”

The entire appointment was less than 15 minutes, and everything was a blur. I can tell you that I suddenly feel very sexy and clean. I feel confident. I have an extra bounce in my step. I feel lots of things that I didn’t expect to feel from losing my pubic hair.

Is this something I will ever do again? Was the pain, humiliation, and anxiety worth it? Yes, and yes. I swipe my credit card and buy 12 more sessions.

“See you in four weeks, Ashley! My new best friend!”