Mommy Porn (for the rest of us)

I found myself at a party last weekend, full of couples and families. Once the kids were out of earshot, conversation turned, like it has so many times over the past few months, to Fifty Shades of fucking Grey. The room quickly divided between the couples whose sex lives it changed for the positive and those whose it hasn’t.

Sadly for my husband, we remained on the latter side, staring back at the rosy cheeked (pun, intended) and giddy couples. I have heard again and again from a nauseating number of friends and family how utterly amazing the book has been for them and I’m sick to death of it. I guess I’m really just a simple girl at heart, because it doesn’t take rough bondage and fancy equipment to turn me on.

Here’s my version of mommy porn.

Anyone else need a cold shower?

About the writer

What started as an innocent on-line baby book to chronicle Jill'sย stay-at-home days with her children, quickly transformed into a vibrant community of parents, brought together by a common theme:ย Parenting doesnโ€™t have to be perfect. Learn more here.

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kath 3 years ago

The reason why 50 shades read like twilight was, the original story was called “Masters of the universe” and it was a twilight fan fiction on fanfiction.net . The author was booted off of Fanfiction.net because she didn’t follow the posted guidelines of the ratings system (placing x rated stuff on a mild R area) She took her story and placed it on her own website to finish it, and with encouragment, changed the names etc and published it as the fifty shades series.

Yes, it is fan ficton, and yes, it reads like it. I’ve read all three books, and I am not terribly impressed with the series, or the Juicy bits and find it interesting that author has absolutly no clue as to what security measures would be taken for someone with *that* much money… (I guess they haven’t heard of ADT) LOL

Alishia 3 years ago

I love the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, read it when I was 19, my mom had the books and I borrowed them. I keep telling everyone that they are so much better than 50 Shades, am I the only one who felt that 50 Shades read A LOT like Twilight?

Katina 3 years ago

made me smile! i enjoyed reading 50 shades, but i would prefer to hear all the above and then have a steamy night lol

Darren Michaels 3 years ago

HAhahaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha!!!

That is very funny and clever. And maybe the Fifty Shades of Grey just isn’t your cup of tea. Maybe you’d find something like a book you can read in bed (with your husband) much more appealing. This one offers 12 stories from the woman’s point of view, and then you flip it over and read the same 12 stories from the man’s point of view.

Hot steamy stories with minimal bondage, no controlling overtones, etc. Just good old fashioned clean (dirty) fun.

Fay Macrae 3 years ago

What a sexy, hot body. So, yummy. LOL.

kath 3 years ago

So, I read the book 50 shades of grey- and – I’m ether jaded, or melting in the heat because it, of all the hype that the book had, was – pretty- lame. Juicy bits were – pithy. What does this message really say to the young women of the world? Allow a man to smack you because he finds it sexie? IMHO would the book have been better if it had been reversed? that the woman was the rich beautiful one who was Dom over men?

(Smack crack! Yesss!) ๐Ÿ˜€ LoL

Drama mama 3 years ago

Nothing sexier than a man running the vacuum!

Jennifer Brown 3 years ago

If you want to read a great erotic fantasy series read Laurrell K. Hamilton’s “Meredith Gentry” series. I have all of thr books she has written in this series so far and I am in total love with her main characters.

Alana Cuppy 3 years ago

Get over it and have some fun.

anymommy 3 years ago

I love this and you.

Nic 3 years ago

AWESOME!

Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom 3 years ago

Bingo! :)

Audrey 3 years ago

Ha ha ha this totally made me smile! And I completely agree!

Busted Kate 3 years ago

How about “You’ve got some poop on you. How about you go shower and change and I’ll take care of cleaning up the baby.”

Naya Judith 3 years ago

I love your version of mommy porn! It’s awesome. :-)

Alaina 3 years ago

I saw a similar book at Barnes and Noble recently – hot guys and puppies. Gotta love it.

Jessica 3 years ago

Perfect and I even had enough time to finish reading them before someone yelled “mommy!”

Cassie 3 years ago

I totally agree! I refuse to read the book just because of how many people have recommended it. But I have to say, if you can write a book about a man who does the things listed above, and looks like any one of those men, I’ll buy and read it!!

Tracy Larson 3 years ago

wow. yup, someone needs to turn on the air. Thanks Jill, ๐Ÿ˜‰ !!

The Mommist 3 years ago

Ok, who are these guys and what are their SS numbers? Hawt, hawt, hawt!!! The only one I know from the list is Shemar Moore. My inner goddess is doing a cartwheel right now!

http://www.themommist.com

Lynn Kellan 3 years ago

So funny! Your post was the best Mommy Porn!

Jenny Kier 3 years ago

It makes my eyes full by seeing this sexy guys. Perfect for my day.

Just Jennifer 3 years ago

I agree with YOU all the way! My favorite is the first because I don’t love to cook.

mom24 3 years ago

i only like sex b/c its the only time I get to lay down

Trish 3 years ago

I am so with you on those captions …my man is man enough for me. I am still curious about the book though.

Medsy 3 years ago

There was one in troyohio called i dunno but it failed out of business and has been replaced by a taco bell :)

BonnyBard 3 years ago

hear, hear!

kath 3 years ago

ha! when my hubby and I get into whats for dinner conversation it follows with one of us asking “dog, or cat?” some night, it’s a cat night, some, a dog night. Before people freak out, A cat dinner is something that is ether fish, or chicken, a dog dinner is pretty much beef.(not the dog, or the cat)

“Let me rub that for you” is my favorite line. Pretty much it’s ether my feet, or my back after a long day.

๐Ÿ˜€

Katie B. of HousewifeHowTos.com 3 years ago

Someone I hardly know told me at a 4th of July party that she was reading — and loving — Shades of Gray. I’d had enough martinis that I automatically said, “Well, that tells me WAY too much about your sex life… and your crappy taste in reading material.”

For some reason, she didn’t like me. Go figure.

WebSavvyMom 3 years ago

–>I’d like to add,

“Baby, have you lost weight?”

Lollie ~ The Fortuitous Housewife 3 years ago

I don’t know which one was the most “swoon” inducing – the cleared table and loaded dishwasher or the half-dressed hunks!

But seriously, I’ve been telling my husband for years, the quickest way to get in my panties is thru the dishwasher. Or the laundry room.

Medsy 3 years ago

I completely agree, I tried the sample on my nook and was disgusted by the writing enough to turn it off way before the content got sexual

Shani G 3 years ago

Oh hell yes. I am turned all the way on. How about “Dinner is cooked, table is set, glass of wine poured. Have a seat.” Oh god, I’m sweating.

Mel 3 years ago

Love this post so perfect also makes me realize how great my hubby is thanks for the smiles

Kim 3 years ago

Those abs are so yummy. And the sentiments? I’m all hot and bothered.

Princessandmummy 3 years ago

om nom nom nom, where can i find one of those???? might just have to upgrade mine and trade him in for a new model ๐Ÿ˜€

Kristin Shaw 3 years ago

I flipping detested 50 Shades of Gray. Thank you for providing way better porn for moms!

Motherhood on the Rocks 3 years ago

Yes, please!

Jester Queen 3 years ago

Woah . Yours are even like grammatically correct and stuff.

I have not read, nor will I ever read Shades. And I’m no prude. It’s the grammar and lack of plot. If I want porn, I’ll go rent some.

Jana@AnAttitudeAdjustment 3 years ago

You never lose it, do you? Still making me crack up after all this time.

mom taxi julie 3 years ago

I haven’t finished the 3rd book yet but if I hadn’t been spontaneous and bought it when I bought the 2nd one I probably wouldn’t have even bothered. I have found the books to be a bit boring. They seem to follow the same pattern over and over, fighting then fantastic sex, repeat. I don’t know about you but I’d much rather just skip the fighting and feeling jealous all the time and just have some “good” old fashioned sex every now and then.

Sarah 3 years ago

I’m with you on this one! Hilarious, as always! I couldn’t take that book seriously, the only thing it did for my husband and I was supply us with some good laughs. But then again, I didn’t like Twilight either…

kathykate 3 years ago

Absofuckinglutely. You show me good orthodontic coverage, and I’m all yours.

lsg1378 3 years ago

Not enough thumbs up for ^ this ^ comment!!!

lsg1378 3 years ago

Ha ha ha! Looooove it!
Much hotter than 50 shades of meh … Not that I have read it … yeah … too much hype for me too!
I’ll go and happily run errands with that man!!!
;D

John Exami 3 years ago

This is so funny.. I stumbled upon this post accidentally, if you know what I mean… LOL

Deb 3 years ago

Acts of service is the biggest turn on for me. There is nothing sexier than a man who empties the dishwasher and makes me a pot of hot coffee in the morning.

Tamie 3 years ago

Love it!!!

zumpie 3 years ago

Just tell them you like the better written, much more creative (and trust me, they get old really fast, too) and overall more sexually adventurous works of the Marquis de Sade from 200 years ago. Seriously, why does everyone always think smutty books are anything new?

Oh, I liked all the porn, except that I think Nora Ephron’s an overrated hack, as well. Nice English period film would work for me, though.

Lin 3 years ago

Yes, please! This should be your next book. A book full of hot men with sayings we all want to hear…I’d buy a copy of it for all the women in my family ๐Ÿ˜‰

DesperatelyErin 3 years ago

50 Shades of Gray, Magic Mike….what is going on?! I’ll pass on all of it, thanks. Somewhere between these ideals and the farting, wiener-wagging man-children we all know, there has got to be a happy medium.

And also, I hope he digs fat chicks.

Isla 3 years ago

AMEN. I’m so sick of hearing about that book!! I MUCH prefer your mommy porn! Thank you!

Arnebya 3 years ago

I’m just glad I’m not the only woman giving the “bitch, please” when someone says how “fantastic” and “life changing” the book(s) is. To each her own and if that does it for you, more power to you, but let my husband wash some dishes, I got some porn for you — atop the moving dishwasher kitchen porn oooooh.

debi9kids 3 years ago

Oh my! Now THIS is mommy porn!
(50 Shades did nothing for me either. I’m not really into assholes ๐Ÿ˜‰

Chrissy 3 years ago

Could I maybe… Borrow one of them for a minute… any of them… I promise to return, but only in exchange for another one! ๐Ÿ˜€

Zipporah Bird 3 years ago

Several years ago, I came home and found my husband on a ladder in the middle of cleaning all of our vintage hanging lights in the house. That bought him several months of good nights.

The Mommy Psychologist 3 years ago

I just don’t get it because Fifty Shade of Grey is TERRIBLE! I had to see what all of the hype was about so I bought it. I couldn’t even get through it. I felt like my intelligence was decreasing just by reading it. And the sex? Well, it is the same sex scene over and over and over again. This might be the first time the movie is better than the book because honestly, the book couldn’t get any worse! Here’s what I have to say about Fifty Shades:
http://www.themommypsychologist.com/2012/05/14/can-you-guess-what-im-reading-this-week/

Jack@TheJackB 3 years ago

Hah, if those were the only excuses for saying no life would be filled with unlimited blow jobs and sex on demand.

Mary 3 years ago

I can’t even tell you how fucking stupid I think that book is. It’s so bad, that I’ve even found myself avoiding friends of mine who are into it, because I feel like there’s something wrong with their intelligence level. (Yes, I’m serious.)

Ryan Ashley Scott 3 years ago

Amen, sister. Amen.

Kim at notmymomsblog 3 years ago

Totally agree! Don’t need the book. How about (at 6:30 a.m.): “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll get up with him.”

I don’t know where these parents are finding time to read anyway. I’d like to know the secret to THAT!

Angela @ Nine More Months 3 years ago

Ugh, seriously. I haven’t even bothered trying to read those books. Just not my thing.

However, my husband did an amazing job cleaning the kitchen the other morning before work (for no reason I can figure out) and if he hadn’t left the house before I woke up I might have attacked him (sexually, of course.) I wish he would do THAT more often.

Carin W 3 years ago

Love it!

Rebecca @ Mom Meets Blog 3 years ago

The Fifty Shades series got me thinking about my own Fifty Shades, “Fifty Shades of Nutella” – break out the spoons, ladies!! http://wp.me/p22xxF-c6

Laura 3 years ago

The only books I have time to read are the ones are meant for little kids. Outloud. A bedtime. To my children.
But your version seems better anyway..

Mercy 3 years ago

Ah, yes, a man who would willingly do these things without fussing or me having to ask would be wonderful. And if he looks hot, that is an added bonus.

Amy 3 years ago

Perfect. Love it!

Nikki 3 years ago

I just started book 3 and it’s not going to change my life anytime soon!!

liz 3 years ago

LOVE the Nora Ephron movie one!

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

Oh dear, the window seems to have steamed up…

Holly 3 years ago

Ugh. No damn joke? The very next time someone tells me how fantastic those books are? I’m asking to see proof of their high school graduation. Maybe I read too much smut and am jaded by what constitutes “good” smut, but hands down those are the most boring, poorly written books I’ve read in a while. I’d MUCH rather see those … Ummm… Characters above busy at their tasks. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thanks for the eye candy. Now if only Robert Downey Jr would come over and paint the kitchen…

Domesticated Gal 3 years ago

I wouldn’t say that 50Shades helped so much as it did just help me want to jump the Big Man…but if he ever said Any of the things you just posted, gawd help me we wouldn’t make it out of the kitchen.

Lena Blair 3 years ago

All it took was the pic of Morgan from Criminal Minds for me to need a cold shower! That man drives me crazy!

Alexandra 3 years ago

OH MY GOD did it just get hot in here?

Melting, with just the thought of these things being whispered in my ear: “Honey, I folded the laundry for you.”

Heather L. Nelson 3 years ago

Ohhh yeeaahh, baby. That is hot stuff right there. I’m tired of hearing about this book, too. I don’t want to read it now at all.

PetalMama 3 years ago

Uuuummmm…. Yes Please!

ceemee 3 years ago

Made me smile!

Abbie Nourmel 3 years ago

Not “rat the same time” in my earlier post, but rather “at the same time”. Also not “eading this”, but instead it should say “reading this”. This is what I get for purchasing a laptop that doesn’t have a back-lit keyboard, and being forced to use my iPhone as my sole communication device. Stupid spill chickens messed up and DIDN’T auto correct when it actually SHOULD HAVE. For ONCE. WTF?

Abbie Nourmel 3 years ago

Holy effing crap, I just pissed myself and snorted a vodka martini out my nose rat the same time while eading this. I blame my children for that awesome gift. You and I have the same pornographic needs it seems. I think if my husband either said the kids are bathed and in bed, OR the dishwasher was loaded and table cleared (without a 10 page powerpoint presentation with rebuttals on why he should first), I’d wear a thong on my head trying to be as obvious as possible that I was aroused. Not that I own a thong, but it seems like a good idea. Except for the whole pink eye thing…? I’m grossing myself out. Thanks for the awesome post, and much needed howling laughter!

Nina 3 years ago

YES!!!

Helen 3 years ago

Now THAT’S my idea of romance!!! Who gives a shit about the porn!

Tiffini S. 3 years ago

The only thing sexier than those men would be an actual picture of my chubby, furry husband saying those things. Either way, it’s a complete fantasy.

Kate Coveny Hood 3 years ago

I’m with you. 0 interest in 50 Shades.

A single friend of mine who is WAY into it suggested that I am somehow opposed to the book. Not so! I just don’t care. She also asked me if I was able to tell my husband what I want (meaning in bed of course). The only response I could come up with was, “Kate, [her name is Kate too] I want Chris to fix things in the house. I want him to clean up the back deck. I tell him what I want ALL the time.” Not that he ever gets around to doing any of that…

Amanda 3 years ago

Hahahaha!!! Perfect! I also have not read 50 shades of questionable writing.

Gigi 3 years ago

Now this I could look at all day long!

GirlsOnly 3 years ago

The last one is Blair Smoking-hot Underwood.

Kristin 3 years ago

I told my husband someone needed to open a restaurant called I Don’t Know or I Don’t Care. Everytime I ask him what he wants for dinner, that’s his answer. It drives me up the wall!

Virginia Llorca 3 years ago

Thank you.

Karen 3 years ago

I still haven’t read those books and I’m not sure I will. We just had a similar conversation last night with friends who have read it. Love your take on it.

Joanna 3 years ago

All you’ve got to do is add in, “Why don’t you go take a bath or do some blogging, I’ll watch the kids,” and “Would you like a foot rub?” and you have my husband. I count my blessings to be his wife every single day.

Oh, and I haven’t read 50 shades, mostly because I’ve heard that the writing is horrific.

Guerrilla Mom 3 years ago

You are speaking my language, sister.

Sweety Darlin 3 years ago

I must be very simple as well! I read the captions and thought that is the way to get me to the bedroom faster! Get all that crap done wile you are home all day so that I don’t have to do it after I get home at the end of the day. Then I will be rested enough for at least a decent roll in the hay!

Otherwise get out of my face while I drool over a man that didn’t gain 50 pounds from my cooking!

Okay I have got to take a vacation it is obvious I am getting seriously bitchy here!

kayla 3 years ago

I completely agree. along with Channing lol.

Kim 3 years ago

I’m actually drooling.

Jamie Horton 3 years ago

right?! Seriously.

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

I too am sick of hearing everyone talk about Shades. I don’t want to talk to people I hardly know and know they are doing it with their spouses because of this bondage book. Gross! I am not a prude, but I don’t want to talk about it with my friend’s mom, my aunt, the grocery clerk, GROSS!! Keep that shit to yourself please!

Jamie Horton 3 years ago

I so needed that! Thanks for the mommy porn! As far as 50 shades – either people LOVE it or they don’t like it at all. I have not read the series and am pretty sure I don’t intend to. My husband would be more than happy to run to the closest adult store and stock up on toys – no thanks. Well, maybe toys would be fun – after my husband does something truely HOT, like clean up after himself, do some dishes or maybe even cook dinner for once! Now, that is really HOT! lol

Kat 3 years ago

I haven’t read 50 Shades yet and probably won’t. I tend to get turned off by things that get overly hyped and, besides, it doesn’t sound like my type of reading material anyway. Your porn, however, is definitely what I could get into. I may just use one or two on my desktop…

Anjie @ Of Pandas and Pirates 3 years ago

My husband says and does all of these! <3

MommaC 3 years ago

Butterfly is by Kathryn Harvey. It is also a trilogy and currently the first book is only $1.29 on Kindle, so if isn’t to someone’s liking, it isn’t a big hit to the wallet…

Trista 3 years ago

Who is the author? I looked up butterfly on amazon and found several by that title.
Thanks

Ali 3 years ago

Never got 50 Shades. THIS? I get. Boy, do I get.

Scarlet 3 years ago

Or even worse, “I don’t care. What were you thinking of?” If I had any idea I wouldn’t be asking for your input.

Jennifer 3 years ago

I think I’ll go stand under the air conditioning vent.

Kate@zMOMbie 3 years ago

I was thinking that about the last one! Haha!

ChristyJ 3 years ago

How about, honey I know your tired, let me get a babysitter and take you out to eat.

Stephanie 3 years ago

I was all laughing, and then I was like, “Psshhhtt. That guy doesn’t know how to change a lightbulb…” ๐Ÿ˜‰

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

Holy shit. Yes, I do need a cold shower.

If only… if ONLY men would come to their senses and stop farting and wiener-wagging and just do the damn dishes, put stuff away… They would get laid sooooooo much more.

*SIGH*

Donna 3 years ago

I read The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy a while ago.. and believe me this is way better than the whole Fifty Shades bandwagon. I must admit I was totally taken aback with the first line of the first book.. but after that.. honestly I couldn’t put it down. The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy is what real erotic literature is.. not the soft crap that 50 is pushing. Amazon has a quite a few erotic reads too .. and guess what they are free!

Becky 3 years ago

Wow. That is the hottest thing I’ve seen in a long time! Love it.

Jillian 3 years ago

A weekend with any of those dreamy men and we could write our own book!

Being a bit of a rebel, like some other people I know, I hate to jump on board with the latest fad. Instead, I’ll read it when the hype is over and have nobody to talk about it with.

The motto that many of us have out here is “Be a lady when out and a ho in the bedroom,” than you may not be needing the soft porn.

Read The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Pseudonym for Ann Rice) and tell me what you think cuz I haven’t read them yet but love her vampire books.

hannah francis 3 years ago

I’d eat leftovers for eternity with the guy in the 1st pic-phew!All this hype always puts me off reading the book!

Denise 3 years ago

Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.

Carolyn 3 years ago

Totally. Love it. Perfect.

Jean 3 years ago

I’m refusing the get on the band wagon too, never fear you’re not alone! Thanks for the pics, it took me a moment to realise there were words along with them though!

Steph @ To Write a Better Story 3 years ago

hahahaha
love that !
thanks for the laugh this morning!

Lori 3 years ago

Thank you! So much. (Even though I am in the category of the former).

Donna 3 years ago

You know I read the Fifty Shades series.. yeah it was a good read.. but damn not really as good as all the hype. I guess when you have already dabbled in that lifestyle.. it’s kinda a yawn fest.. I’m glad that it helped some people but jeez it really wasn’t all that great. You want erotic literature find some real erotic literature and don’t be so “Vanilla”.

Chantelle 3 years ago

I still haven’t read that book. A friend of mine just recently loaned me a copy, but I haven’t started it yet. From what I have heard about it, it doesn’t sound like my thing, but I plan to read it just so I can see what all the hype is about. I do however like your idea of porn. All that’s missing is a back rub, for me, not him.

Marta 3 years ago

I haven’t heard of a single person that the books life changed. At all. I’m concerned about your friends sex lives prior to this book. Granted I never finished it because I got bored with the awful characters. I MUCH rather have your porn.

Gel 3 years ago

Fifty Shades Trilogy is just really a good read. The story behind the Fifty shades is too interesting to unfold besides his 50 shades of fuckedupness. It’s a very good story not just a “mom porn” as they quote. :)

MommaC 3 years ago

Hot and bothered… LOL
I still haven’t gotten around to reading 50 Shades. Instead a better written less freaky book called Butterfly was suggested by a friend — so far it’s excellent.

Christina Baglivi Tinglof 3 years ago

Amen! How about “Let me cook dinner tonight, honey,” instead of my three least favorite words in the world, “What’s for dinner?”

Amy Weisman 3 years ago

um… yea… who’s the guy in the 1st & 3rd photo. He’s hot enough that I’d do laundry for him…

Alison 3 years ago

PERFECT. This totally made my day.

MK 3 years ago

Hahaha, the Mommy Porn books they have out now are just like this and HILARIOUS!

Life with Kaishon 3 years ago

: ) Nothing to do but smile after reading this!