If Moms Invented Slang

I am a mom in my 30s, meaning I have zero authority over what is acceptable slang. I will even admit to having Googled a few words, so I could stop wondering who this damn Felicia woman was, and why everyone was saying goodbye to her. I realize that consulting Urban Dictionary to keep up with what’s cool is decidedly not on fleek, and I obviously have no business using these words in their correct form.

I do, however, have some authority on parent lingo. I can speak toddler-ese with the best of them and can tell the difference between a baby saying, “Ma! Ma!”and “Ma? Ma?” Since moms have given so much to the world already, I think we deserve the right to decide what the latest slang means.

1. On Fleek

Real version: When something you are doing/wearing is on point, e.g., “This outfit is on fleek.”

Mom version: Something you bought on sale at the weekly flea market, e.g., “I got this outfit on fleek for only $10!”

Dress and pinwheel both on fleek!

2. Netflix and Chill

Real version: Have sex (may or may not involve actual Netflix watching).

Mom version: Binge watch House of Cards and pass out at 8:30 p.m.

Settling in for a night with Frank Underwood

3. Bae

Real version: An acronym for “before anything else,” a term of endearment.

Mom version: A shorter word for bagel, e.g., “I could really go for a bae and a schmear.”

4. Squad

Real version: Your core group of friends.

Mom version: The kids, eg., “Sorry we’re late. Took forever to get the squad ready.”

Bonus: Squad Goals: Getting the kids to do something successfully, e.g., “Brothers aren’t fighting! #SquadGoals!”

5. Stay Woke

Real version: Being aware and mindful of important social issues.

Mom version: Trying to function on almost no sleep, e.g., “The baby kept me up all night. I’m just trying to stay woke.”

Stay woke like a boss!

I’m sure by the time this is published most or all of these terms will already be obsolete. I look forward to mom-ifying the next batch.

Until then, bye, Felicia! (By that I mean, goodbye to anyone named Felicia. Hope you have a lovely day!)