Sometimes I feel bad for Monday. It gets such a bad rap. No one looks forward to Monday. Sunday night is probably the saddest part of the week because you realize when you wake up in the morning it’s Monday and OMG there are too many days until the weekend. I try to have sympathy for Monday. I try to look at it as a clean slate, but then I think about all the reasons Monday sucks and then I tell Monday to bite me.
1. Everyone’s in a bad mood.
From your kids to your boss to your spouse, Monday is the day of cranky and grumpy and blah. Your co-worker will throw you under the boss. Your baby will throw up all over after you take a shower. No one’s happy. Eff you, Monday.
2. The house is a wreck.
I don’t know what happens over the weekend but my home can be spic and span Friday night and by Monday morning, it looks like a drunken frat party happened. There’s shit everywhere — dirty clothes stuffed in the couch cushions, the floor covered in something sticky, and someone peed the bed. Always.
3. The kids don’t want to get up.
They only had two days without school but every Monday morning, it’s like they’ve been sleeping in for months and you’re dragging them from their blankets at 3 a.m. We do this every week, kid. Get your butt out of bed because we have shit to do.
4. If something’s going to break, it’ll happen on a Monday.
Seriously. Think back to when the dishwasher broke, when the washing machine stopped draining, or when the pipe froze. It happened on a Monday, right? Something about the stars or Mars or Roman gods lines up and appliances are cursed on Monday.
5. Traffic is the worst.
Everyone’s being an asshole (see number 1), everyone’s running late (see number 3), and everyone wants to take out their frustration on you. They cut you off, the flip you the bird, and they honk when you’re .03 seconds late getting off the line at a green light. I don’t know who the patron saint of traffic is, but she definitely takes Mondays off.
6. Everyone is where you need to be.
There’s a long line at Starbucks, the carpool line is ridiculous, and there are 700 people in the dairy aisle at the grocery store. It’s like everyone hibernated over the weekend and we’re all out foraging for the necessities of survival at the exact same minute.
7. There’s no time.
Between work, school, extracurricular activities, picking kids up from daycare, dinner, bath, and bedtime, it’s all gone before you really got anything done.
It’s the day where you put your head on the pillow and remember all of the things you were going to do, but now it’s midnight and you’re exhausted and just trying to figure out how 24 hours passed by so quickly when they felt like they were just dragging on and on.
8. Dinnertime is a joke.
All the dishes are still dirty from Sunday, nothing sounds good because you’re so tired, and anything you make will be looked on with disgust because everyone else is also too tired to rein in their attitude. Monday should just always be cereal night because then you don’t have to do jack.
9. The baby doesn’t sleep.
The one entity who shouldn’t sense a difference between the weekend and Monday somehow always knows and will always punish you. That sleep routine you finally got down will go out the window. They’ll start cutting a tooth. They’ll suddenly embark on a growth spurt and wake up constantly to nurse. Babies know how bad Mondays are, too.
10. It’s the furthest away from the weekend you’ll ever be.
You wake up in the morning and it’s like looking through a very, very long and very, very dark tunnel with just a barely there pinpoint of light. That light is Saturday and you’ve got a loooooong way to go until you get there.
I tried, Monday. I tried to love you, to have patience, to cut you some slack. I can’t do it. You suck.
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