This ‘Utter Bastard Of A Cat’ Needs A Family Pronto

Mr. Biggles the cat needs a home, if you dare

Sometimes, even the kind people at pet rescue agencies get fed up. That may have been what happened when they sat down to write the adoption listing for one Mr. Biggles, aka Lord Bigglesworth.

Because it doesn’t pull any punches.

According to their Facebook page, the Cat People of Melbourne offer “Welfare • Advocacy • Support – for rescued cats the and people who care for them” in Australia.

Their well of support may have run a bit dry for Mr. Biggles, who got one hell of an adoption listing on the Pet Rescue website. According to the listing, Lord Bigglesworth “is an utter utter bastard…a despot and a dictator.” So, just like every other cat of all time then? Got it.

According to NPR, Gina Brett, founder of Cat People of Melbourne, wrote the savage description — and good for her. Prospective pet owners deserve to know what they’re getting! And cats are crafty. It’s not out of the question for Mr. Biggles to put his best paw forward should he sniff potential rescue, in which case his saviors would be in for a rude awakening once they got him home.

Gina took care of all that.

“Mr Biggles does not like to be thwarted. He throws a catty tantrum if he can’t go outside when he wants to be let out (and he wasn’t allowed outside for the first couple of weeks at his carers house so there was a few tantrums!). Not being fed on time … is also a tantrum inducing exercise.”

Oh, and he might bite you if you displease him.

“If he doesn’t like what you’re doing he will give you a nip!”

Or if you don’t pet him correctly.

“Mr Biggles likes his cuddles on his terms, and will sit in your lap when he decides it’s time. If the stroking is not up to his standards, he will nip you.”

And also if you happen to walk anywhere in his vicinity.

“Sometimes he likes to swipe at your feet too. It just depends on what he can reach at the time.”

This cat don’t fuck around!

I’m not gonna lie. While reading that description there were a few times I had to make sure I was reading about a cat and not my toddler. He too “likes his cuddles on his terms.”

But despite how bad-ass a name “Lord Bigglesworth” would be for my son (already got negged by my wife), judging by the picture attached to the listing, he is indeed a cat, and a handsome one at that.

And he does have some positive traits. He “permits kisses on his shiny black head if he’s feeling mellow…loves to be involved with what you’re doing (which probably means he’ll sit on your keyboard while you’re working), and he’s “stupidly healthy” (Is it weird that after reading this listing I kind of want to adopt Gina Brett?).

As of this posting, the ad for Mr. Biggles claims he’s “on hold,” which hopefully means someone has what it takes to care for this crazy kitty and give him the home he demands.

Hopefully whoever adopts this cat takes the end of the description to heart. “Mr Biggles is not a cat for the inexperienced or faint hearted. He is a full blooded tomcat with very firm boundaries.”

Again, sounds like my toddler, but at least he doesn’t come with claws. Unfortunately, he currently seems to enjoy biting just as much as Lord Bigglesworth.