The Foot Rub

The other night, after I detached myself from the computer downstairs, Jeff and I retired to the bedroom. We were lying in bed, recounting funny Lily, Ben and Evan stories from the day. I was trying to manipulate a foot rub out of him by pathetically caressing his leg with my toes. My feet were still sore from the three hour stint in heels and I was desperate. Jeff blatantly ignored my efforts. Finally, I resorted to begging. Can you please just rub me? Puhleeeease, Jeff?

Ugh. I am not rubbing your feet, he responded disdainfully.

Why not, I whined? You think my feet are cute. And they really hurt. Pretty please?

Your feet used to be cute, he answered. They used to be, um…uh…painted.

So, imagine them red, I retorted.

Well, he continued, they used to be cuter. Just, um… different… uh, just…

YOUNGER.

What? He defensively asked, after I shot him a look cluing him in that he’d said something really, really wrong. You’re, like, thirteen years older than when we met, he continued. Of course your feet look older. Do you think your mother’s feet are “cute?” As you get older your feet become less cute. That’s life. You know?

No, Jeffrey, I do not know.

He could have said anything: Your feet are dry, Jill. They’re veiny. They’re rough. They’re scaley. Fat, even. But old? OLD??? They are none of those things, for the record. They could certainly benefit from a good foot rub with some moisturizing lotion, but are fine, and a mere thirty one years young.

So that’s when I killed him.

The End.

About the writer

@scarymommy

In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

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Click on home.leshantv.net 2 years ago

Click on home.leshantv.net

The Foot Rub

royce 2 years ago

well i think thats when i think she fell in love with me. After we were married i continued with the foot bath and massages. I loved taking care of her in this way because she enjoyed it and loved the way her feet felt relaxed and soft. So if a man loves his wife he needs do little things like this for her if she takes care of him. So ladies don’t let your man give you a stupid excuse.

royce 2 years ago

When me and my wife started dating after a couple of months she started complaining about her feet hurting her from standing all day. She was a nurse in a Doctors office and it was high pace. One day when she was a my house she was telling how bad her feet was hurting her. We were sitting on the couch and at home she never wore shoes. i reacheddown pulled her feet up to my lap and give. her a foot massage for about an hour.

Me 2 years ago

I love rubbing my wife’s feet. After all she is my Queen the mother of my children.

Holly 5 years ago

I agree! If they’re dry, rough, and scaly, then they need a foot rub! Duh! My feet are 37 years old, and my 32 year old boyfriend gives me foot rubs all the time, so if he can survive the experience, so can your husband!

“So that’s when I killed him.” = PRICELESS!

Rebekah C 5 years ago

Reading through your posts this morning, I have done a lot of “aw”ing and Laughing. Well done.

OMG I can’t believe he said that. My dh is exactly one year (and ten days!) younger than me so he occasionally makes the same BIG FAT NONO. Like the other day I noticed a grey hair (I’m 29, be thirty in a January) and I was like “how long have these been here?” and he was like “A while…y?” and I’m all “Well WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ,ME?!?!” and he said, “Well, that’s what happens when you get…um…old“.

Yes, yes, he does indeed fry up nice n crispy.

Sex Toy Mama 5 years ago

I actually laughed out loud at the end, with the “That’s when I killed him.” comment. Priceless.

What is it about men that they all come with a built-in need to say the absolute WRONG thing at the wrong time?

Such as the other day, when I was getting dressed, and stepped in front of the mirror in my bathroom, about to put my makeup on, when I noticed that the shirt I was wearing – that I hadn’t worn since before I had Son #2 – was clinging in a slightly less flattering fashion than it used to. I commented to my husband that I had loved that shirt, but it obviously did not love me anymore. His response? “No, it loves you, it just doesn’t seem to like your love-handles.”

Umm… what? My WHAT?

He’s lucky he works graveyard, or he would have had a long, cold night on the couch.

Crime and Punishment 5 years ago

[…] The Foot Rub […]

Boston Bob 5 years ago

I willing do my wife’s feet because:
1. I know how good it feels for me when I get mine done and I want a little reciprocity (and MY feet are UGLY))
2. I know it feels good for her. Always good for men to keep a few credits in the bank.
3. I’m a little bit cheap and I balk at what she pays for Pedi’s. “Jeez for half that, I’ll do your feet.” :-)

To this end, we keep bottles of the mint foot lotion handy. Keeping one partner happy usually makes the other partner happy too. And when one is cranky, that’s never good for the other.

The Pu-Pu Platter: Princess Edition « The Flying Chalupa 5 years ago

[…] blog, which is refreshingly well-written and hilariously…uh…hilarious.  Check out the Foot Rub post, in which Jill almost comes to blows with her husband.  What is it with husbands […]

Peggy 6 years ago

Imagine me rolling on the ground laughing so hard I’m peeing my pants! You’ll be close, but not close enough, to how I reacted to that!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
.-= Peggy´s last blog ..Wisdom of the Aged =-.

Denise 6 years ago

next time he asks you to rub a certain body part, tell him it looks, well………….. old.

ED 6 years ago

LET ME RUB YOUR FEET FOR YOU!

Madwoman 6 years ago

OMG!!! I am over here in tears at the last two lines…you are hilarious!

Yours Truly 6 years ago

I would have killed him too.

And I purposefully refuse not to learn my right from my left. So there.

Pssh 6 years ago

lol, well, just remember, you did ask him why not.
Never ask a question if you can’t stomach the answer.

HappyHourSue 7 years ago

Great. I am so totally self conscious about my feet right now. Can you Botox feet?

angie 7 years ago

At least he didn’t say that about your face…………:)

Happy New year!

American in Norway 7 years ago

F U N N Y… I wonder why Bjørn no longer rubs my CUTE feet… maybe he didn’t have the hear to tell me they are old (aLOT older than yours)

Cristin 7 years ago

I hope you made it slow and painful…

Anonymous 7 years ago

Holy crap, he needs a good PR agent to do his talking for him. Oh, wait, that’s what he does for a living…

Scott

Brittany 7 years ago

HAHAHAHA! I have heard of women killing men for less, I think it was a good call. Now go buy yourself a foot massager.

Marinka 7 years ago

Please tell me that you tortured him before you killed him. With your geriatric feet.

Live.Love.Eat 7 years ago

Oh man oh man. I would have taken my old foot and shoved it up his old a@!…. sorry, I get to say things in my comments I don’t get to on my blog (the in laws read it) :)

Tell him that they would look younger if he rubbed them more.

Sabrae Carter 7 years ago

LMAO! LAUGHING SO HARD I AM CHOKING TO DEATH OVER HEAR! OMG! NEED HELP COVERING IT UP!? LOL!!!

MomItForward Jyl and Carissa 7 years ago

Ahhhhh! Say it isn’t soooo??

You didn’t really did you… not really?

I so agree tho, MY feet look old too, and you have to be what? 10 years younger than I am … AT LEAST!!

Red paint just ain’t gonna help.

Migraine Mom 7 years ago

I can’t say that I blame you at all…he had it coming with that comment….where did you hide the body???

Pink Heels 7 years ago

Those are fighting words! I hope that you taught him a lesson…and that you received a professional pedicure to celebrate your beauty!

Jen B. 7 years ago

I would have killed him, too! LOL

Mags 7 years ago

Ah, men!!! What jerks!!!

Iva 7 years ago

Old feet?

Now I’ve heard it all. Did you inform him that he, himself, is 12 years older, too?

Anonymous 7 years ago

similar conversation with steve. he actually could give me no reason for not rubbing my feet other than that he thinks feet are gross.

the end result—-i now have “permission” to get a pedicure every week FOREVER!!

Tell Jeff you are doing the same.

By the way, I think Jeff’s feet are gross. I always have!! I think he should be banned from flip flops and sandals.

Anna Lefler 7 years ago

Hell to the YES. In my book, dude got off easy with just a killin’.

XO

Anna

PS – Happy New Year! May your feet remain supple and alluring through 2009 and beyond.

Jenners 7 years ago

That was justifiable homicide so you should be OK.

Do men not learn ANYTHING during a marriage?

blueviolet 7 years ago

No court in the land would convict you for that murder. Justifiable homicide.

Jen 7 years ago

A totally justified killing. No one can blame you for that one.

Payton 7 years ago

I’ll let my fiance know what happens to bad husbands.

Michele 7 years ago

Ouch! Good thing ya killed him. :->

James Austin 7 years ago

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff…Are you crazy man? Have you not been through the Husband Survival Training refresher course?

Bite your tounge man, bite your tounge. It’s never worth it, period!

Anonymous 7 years ago

One of the funniest! xxxooo, Mom with the not cute feet (but with other virtues)

Casey’s trio 7 years ago

I think fat feet would have gotten me more than old feet!

Shannon 7 years ago

Men.

Seriously… sometimes it’s just better if they keep their mouths shut.

Tiaras and Tantrums 7 years ago

Yep – I think a judge would buy that one!!

Nan 7 years ago

Good Riddance!

Jennifer 7 years ago

Well yeah. He totally deserved it.

starnes family 7 years ago

There really needs to be a class in college to cover this stuff. Seriously.

jess 7 years ago

Jill – that was really fantastic!!!!

Matter Of Fact Mommy 7 years ago

my husband has never liked rubbing my feet. he says that he feels like he has to wash his hands when he’s finished. if he knew that the foot rub may result in oral sex, he may think differently, no?

(btw, my feet are different now and i can only imagine what they would be like if i had another kid! 😉

Sara 7 years ago

I’m thinking a jury of your peers will easily let you off — unless of course it is mostly men… Then you have to worry about what to blog from prison :)

sticky 7 years ago

Vodka Mom totally said it best!

“may he rest in peace. Bastard”

Susan 7 years ago

That’s hysterical. And totally legitimate.

Jenni Jiggety 7 years ago

Justifiable homicide, if you ask me…

Swirl Girl 7 years ago

remember this conversation the next time he wants a part of his anatomy ‘rubbed’.

(between you and I, THAT part always looks kinda old to me)

Linda Sue 7 years ago

R.I.P. Jeff…twas a foolish man.
OUCH Jeff- from every woman that ever lived!

Threeundertwo 7 years ago

R.I.P. Jeffrey. He had it coming.

Ronda’s Rants 7 years ago

I feeeeeeeel your pain…no really!
My 50 year old feet hurt and I couldn’t find a sympathetic husband anywhere! He used to say my feet were princess feet…no more!

Robin 7 years ago

Oh man!!!
My Jeff also turns into a Jeffrey when he says something so…. how do I put it nicely… RETARDED?
I say you walk around barefoot before bedtime one really chilly night, making sure your toes get nice and icy and stuff. Then when you’re together in bed wait until he’s fallen asleep, then show him exactly how old your feet really are!

Dawn 7 years ago

oh
my
god
is this a scene from our household?
Oh yeah, my hubby used to LOVE rubbing my feet. Would do it all the time, during his swooning of me years. Then we got married and nothing. If we get into a big enough fight where he is clearly wrong, then he will rub them as an offering of faux-peace offering.
Where did you bury your hubby? As I need to find a good place to bury mine at some point. LOL! That’s a joke people….cannot be used against me!

Piece o’ Coconut Cake 7 years ago

Obviously, the man has no desire to see 2009…

Keely 7 years ago

OUCH.

I hope you killed him slowly. After cataloging the flaws HE’S acquired over 12 years, of course. 😉

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge 7 years ago

Oh dear Lord, what is wrong with that man? Has he never lived in the real world? Well, what can you expect from a man who can’t work the DVR? ha ha

I think, you need to tell him that his hair looks… sparse. Or something like that. “It’s okay honey. you’re 12 years older than when we met. What do you think? That your dad hair looks cute?”

I’m just kinda mean like that, though.

noble pig 7 years ago

Oh he is SOOOOOOOO busted. Not good. At 31 your feet are not old! I can imagine the chill in the bedroom that night. But it’s a good story.

verygoodyear 7 years ago

Killing him was justified. Well done!

sassy stephanie 7 years ago

I shall bring my shovel and help you bury the body in the backyard.

Nicole 7 years ago

Oh bad hubby! In the dog house huh? My husband is just lazy and gives me no excuse at all! It’s like I’m asking him to risk his life or something.

Kat 7 years ago

What was he thinking? Jeff, RIP…

Brindi 7 years ago

He had better have put a pedicure gift certificate in your stocking.

Vodka Mom 7 years ago

May he rest in peace. The bastard.

Jan Ross 7 years ago

Oooooohhhh….older? That’s a bad one. Almost as bad as fatter. If my husband said either one, I would KILL him too.

Sounds like it’s time for a pampering pedicure. That’s the only thing that makes mine look presentable.

Yaya 7 years ago

Lol! Yup, I would have slapped my hubby!