The new book includes a scene about raw chicken
The latest Fifty Shades book is the second installment from the point of view of the series’ male love interest, broody Seattle billionaire, Christian Grey. And holy shit is it weird.
As a woman of a certain age, I’m well familiar with the content of the Fifty Shades series, even though I’ve never read any of them myself. I know they’re campy and over-the-top, but I also know a lot of women enjoy reading them for their own reasons I dare not question, because to each, their own. That said, when I saw excerpts from the recently released Grey-narrated tome Darker, shared on Twitter by BuzzFeed editor Scott Bryan, my interest was piqued.
And probably not for the reasons author E.L. James intended.
In the new Christian Grey book they literally start having sex halfway through making a stir fry. pic.twitter.com/Zfq3JIMm5W
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) November 28, 2017
What in the god damn hell is happening. There’s a lot of WTF here (“My cock approves, big-time,” oh please someone pass a barf bucket) but it’s what Bryan points out, the preparation of a chicken stir fry kicking off a steamy sex session for Grey and Anastasia Steele, that’s the real eyebrow-raiser.
While it’s not so odd for a couple cooking together to decide to get freaky and abandon ship, leaving everything out on the counter in the heat of passion, that’s not exactly what goes down in James’ fictional version.
“‘I think we’ll eat later.’ Because right now I’m going to fuck your brains out. ‘Put the chicken in the fridge,'” says Grey.
“Put the chicken in the fridge.”
PUT THE CHICKEN IN THE FRIDGE.
I don’t know about you ladies, but I am heated. What woman doesn’t get revved at the idea of her sexual partner wanting to preserve $8 worth of chicken before getting down and dirty? Like, no one wants to suffer the consequences of a food-borne illness and lots of us frugal moms enjoy saving money, but maybe now’s not the time, Christian Grey.
Because the mere thought of my husband thinking about not wasting chicken instead of taking me right then and there is chipping away at my self-esteem. Not to mention, Grey is a literal billionaire, right? Can’t he just order a whole parade of organic chickens to be slaughtered before him in the event of surprise sex ruining his original batch? WHY DOES HE CARE.
As shit-house crazy as that line is, the rest of it isn’t much better. From Grey’s weird kink for vegetable chopping to Ana’s “not subtle” hip bumps, it’s a lot to process. Twitter was just as confused as we are, and also, equally fascinated by Grey’s strong commitment to kitchen hygiene.
"Put the chicken in the fridge" – that's some high quality sexy dialogue right there https://t.co/sS0mQURCO8
— James Ball (@jamesrbuk) November 28, 2017
"Put the chicken in the fridge" is an odd request, but it's nice to know cleanliness standards are not forgotten in the heat of the moment.— William Plowden (@WilliamPlowden) November 28, 2017
"I watch as she switches to a different chopping board for vegetables, washing her hands after expertly rinsing the meat chopping board under the hot tap. ‘Oh, you seductive woman, you comply with hygiene best practise,’ I think, roguishly. I have a penis."— Tom Phillips (@flashboy) November 28, 2017
"Swallowing hard, she picks up the bowl of diced chicken, rather clumsily places a plate over the top, and puts the whole thing in the fridge"— James Ball (@jamesrbuk) November 28, 2017
This is possibly the least sexy thing ever written but I guess is at least good food handling advice?
“Anastasia closed the fridge and glanced proudly at her Food Hygiene Level 1 Certificate, which was held securely in place by a Duff bottle opener magnet and a I ❤️ Mallorca one. ‘Can’t mess around with chicken’ she breathed sexually”.— Charlie Fairhead 🐝 (@TeaCider) November 28, 2017
Holy shit, the adherence to kitchen and food safety in this is admirable.— Philly Byrne (@PhilipNByrne) November 28, 2017
This is all too much. Just way, way, too much.
So if your kinks include not wasting meat and also, not having salmonella, this is the erotic fiction for you. Enjoy.