"Covert Contracts" Might Be Wrecking Your Relationship

You did bedtime solo every single night this week. You did the baths, with all the splishing and the splashing and the bubble anarchy. You fielded the lightning round of existential questions at 8:47 p.m. (“Mommy, what happens to doggies when they die?”). You tucked everyone in and then did your regular closing-time routine to get the rest of the house buttoned up for bed.

All. Week. Long.

So when Saturday morning rolls around, you’re planning to sleep in. You fully expect your partner to wake up and handle the kids, the breakfast, the early morning dog walking duties. The whole shebang. Tit for tat.

Then your kids are in your face before you can even pry your eyes open, wondering where their soccer cleats are or if you can get more juice. Cue the rage, right? OK, so here comes the uncomfortable gut-check… did you communicate your expectations to your partner? Or did you just sort of assume it was a done deal?

This scenario has been dubbed a "covert contract," and therapists say it can lead to a whole lot of resentment building up in a relationship over time. Here’s what experts want you to know about where this behavior comes from, how to spot it in your own actions, and how it differs from the imbalance of the invisible load.

What does "covert contract" mean?

“A covert contract is a deal only one person signed,” says Kristyn Carmichael, Esq., a family mediator, certified divorce financial analyst, and founder of Couples Solutions Center. “It sounds like ‘If I do X, you’ll do Y,’ but the other partner never saw the terms, never agreed to them, and usually doesn’t know the contract exists.”

And she often has a front-row seat to what happens when those deals go unaddressed for a prolonged period of time. “In mediation, I see the end stage of these: one spouse arrives with years of unpaid ‘invoices,’ and the other is honestly confused about what they owe.”

Cheryl Groskopf, an anxiety, trauma, and attachment therapist who authored The Somatic Healing Workbook, likens it to writing a big ol' agreement and assigning your partner an equally big role in it. Somehow, your partner is the only person unaware of said agreement.

But your partner being unaware doesn’t change the way you feel. The hurt is just as real as if they’d actually broken a promise. “In your brain, they did,” Groskopf explains.

Isn’t it reasonable to want your partner to notice these things, though?

Um, yes. One hundred percent. This was something every expert agreed on! However, the need itself isn’t the issue here; it’s the delivery method.

“The need underneath is reasonable, but if it’s not articulated overtly, then it’s unreasonable to think your partner would be a mind reader,” says Dr. Jenni Skyler, Adam & Eve’s resident sex and relationship therapist.

Already, as a busy working mom who happens to be the default parent, I instinctively start to feel myself bristle at this idea. No one tells me these things or what needs to be done — I just notice and do it because someone has to. The experts say that sort of thinking is a fast path to frustration.

“‘I want my partner to make an effort on my birthday’ is a totally reasonable desire,” Groskopf says. “‘I shouldn’t have to tell them what I want because if they really loved me, they’d already know’ is when it becomes problematic.”

Now, the experts were also abundantly clear that none of this means moms should just silently accept an unfair split.

“One person also shouldn’t have to become a household manager simply because they are more organized, quicker to notice what needs to be done, or less comfortable leaving things unfinished,” says Ilona Phillips, a psychotherapist and founder of Lotus Counseling in Ann Arbor, Michigan. “Expecting shared responsibility is reasonable. Expecting a partner to recognize an unspoken sacrifice and reciprocate exactly one-for-one can get partners in trouble.”

Is there some psychological component to why we don’t just ask?

Sure there is: Asking is scary.

“If I ask for a break and you say no, that’s a direct rejection,” Carmichael says. “If I never ask, I’m protected from that, and I keep the moral high ground.” And, yes, there’s also that belief so many of us carry that “if I have to ask, it doesn’t count,” she adds, “as if a gesture only proves love when it’s unprompted.”

That belief tends to run deep, too (ask me how I know). Says Groskopf, “If you grew up learning that your needs were inconvenient, asking can feel incredibly vulnerable.” Instead of just asking, we end up creating these little litmus tests our partners don’t even know they’re taking.

She uses flowers as an example. If you ask for them, you know they showed up because you asked. But if your partner brings them on their own, "There’s this feeling that you were appreciated, that they noticed you, that you MATTER. And for someone who grew up feeling overlooked or emotionally neglected, that distinction can feel huge.”

Oof. The catch here is that this strategy often just backfires.

“There is a fear that if we directly communicate what we need, and that need is not met, we will be hurt,” explains Dr. Paulette Didia, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City. “However, if we do not communicate what we need, our partner will not know, our partner will not do it, and we will be hurt anyway. We think hurting in our own mind ‘hurts less,’ and that is not true.”

But for real… how about that mental load?

Admittedly, the lines are a bit blurry. When you’re doing the lion’s share of invisible work in your home and family, it’s hard not to “keep score” or have a running tally in your head of what your partner did versus what you did.

Unfortunately, that scoreboard warps how both partners see each other.

“Once you develop a narrative that your partner isn’t doing enough, it becomes very easy to fill that bucket with examples of how they’re falling short. Meanwhile, your spouse feels like they’re always in the doghouse and starts to wonder if it’s even worth trying. One person is thinking, ‘Don’t you see how hard I’m working?’ while the other is thinking, ‘What did I do wrong now?’” says Mary McLaughlin, LCSW, a couples therapist and discernment counselor.

So while it’s fair to feel frustrated by an invisible (or visible) load imbalance, a little communication can go a long way. That’s true on both sides of the line. “Even if the score is unequal, if all parties know the score and acknowledge it and offer gratitude, this can offset resentment,” says Skyler.

How can you spot your own covert contracts?

Well, obviously this is tricky since you probably don’t know you’re making them. However, there are a few tells you can look for, according to the experts:

• The trail of resentment. “When you feel that flash of ‘after everything I’ve done,’ stop and ask: What did I expect in return? Did I ever say it out loud? Did my partner ever agree to it?” suggests Carmichael. If the answer to either of those last two is no, you’ve likely found one.
• The “shoulds.” Skyler flags phrases like “they should know” or “I shouldn’t have to ask” as dead giveaways.
• The assumptions. Think about your roles and your responsibilities in the house and how you’ve discussed them. “You may be exhausted from putting the kids to bed every night and your spouse may truly believe you enjoy doing them,” McLaughlin says. “If no one is speaking up, both people are operating on assumptions instead of information.”

All right, so where do we go from here?

First and foremost, resist the urge to try settling years of “back pay.” You can’t Uno Reverse this one. Instead, focus on rewriting the terms and making sure you and your partner are, in fact, on the same page. Here are a few practical pointers from our pros on how to pull that off.

Make the invisible more visible.

Didia asks couples to fill out a simple weekly worksheet together that includes tasks along with who does them and when. She has couples do this at the same time each week so that it doesn’t become one more thing Mom has to track, and they post the list where both can see it so no one becomes the default reminder.

If you want to follow suit, start by listing every task (big and small). Next, let each partner choose what they’ll take, and split the ones nobody wants. Very important info: The person who owns a task decides how and when it gets done. “Maybe you think this should be done by Monday, but your partner indicates it will be done by Wednesday,” Didia says. “Since it is their task, they get to decide and, by Tuesday, you will not already be annoyed.”

Gauge your relationship’s temperature.

Phillips encourages a weekly check-in where partners take turns asking: What’s been working well between us? Is anything feeling off? Extra difficult? Frustrating as hell? Unacknowledged? And, finally, how can I be a better partner to you this week?

Don’t swap one test for another.

You may be tempted to stop doing certain things, like washing the dishes, hoping that someone will notice. That’s just a covert contract in a different outfit, says Phillips. And even if your partner does pick up the task, resentment can still linger. You might then think, Why did I have to stop before they noticed?

Renegotiate. Regularly.

“Relationships change. What worked when you were first dating, before kids, 10 years ago may not work anymore,” reminds McLaughlin. “Couples need to renegotiate instead of assuming the old arrangement still works.”

When is it a sign of something bigger?

When you realize you’re locked in a pattern that won’t budge, it’s probably time to see a couples therapist. Carmichael’s advice is to get help sooner rather than later. By the time couples land in her office, she says the covert contracts show up even in how they divorce, i.e., “I gave up my career, so I deserve more.”

At the end of the day, adds McLaughlin, “Resentment paired with avoidance is a particularly risky combination for couples.” And that means the fix, both annoyingly simple and incredibly hard, is saying what you need out loud… and holding each other accountable to those needs in a way that feels fair and equitable to you both.