The New Dad’s Guide to Surviving Your Wife

1. If you’re going to be late coming home don’t wait until the last minute to tell her. Remember when you’d have to do chin ups and you knew you had to do 20? You’d get to 18 and think “I only have two more to go, I can make it” then some asshat comes along and says “Gimme 10 more”. How much do you like that guy? Not so much. 

2. Come home and get in the house. When you get home this is not the time to chit chat with the neighbor over the fence about how it’s going with the new baby. Assume that it is always Lord of the Rings orc war in the house and get inside to relieve the day shift because your wife has probably been walking around with that baby thinking “I only have to hang in there 30 more minutes….29…..28.” (see point above).

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below


3. Get excited about the baby. I know, I know, you love that little weeble more that anything, but most new mothers are wired with this demented sense of responsibility so even if their baby is screaming like a rabid howler monkey they don’t want to leave it. So if you go in and say something like “take a shower, I’ve missed him all day and I can’t wait to hold him” she will be more willing to go bathe, eat or generally reset to be less crazy. It’s win-win.

4. Don’t ask “What’s for Dinner?” If everyone in the house is alive when you get home that’s a successful day. My friend’s husband asked her why dinner wasn’t ready because “she’d been sitting at home all day doing nothing”. Aw, Buddy, c’mon. If you ask “What’s for dinner?” the answer may very well be “Your left testicle”. Eat cereal, order take-out or drink pumped breastmilk. Wing it.

5. Don’t go on about how hard your day was. Even if your day consisted of being gang raped by angry silver back gorillas, she can probably trump you. Not only can she trump you but it may include details that you otherwise wouldn’t have known about and don’t want to hear. You’re tired. You’re stressed. But it will just open Pandora’s box and it ain’t worth it. Also consider that this is someone who is up all night looking at your peaceful, sleeping vulnerable body. Don’t give her a reason to smother you with a nursing pillow. She’s probably already plotted your death a couple of times by now so don’t push her over the edge.

6. Don’t say you’re babysitting. The mother of your child may be too tired to catch this slip but any woman who has had more than 20 minutes of consecutive sleep is going to do a slow, Chucky-head-turn and hiss “You’re not babysitting. You’re parenting.” In your defense, I totally understand this statement. If you’re not the primary caregiver and you’re stepping in to take care of the baby then you are technically babysitting. Terms like “Daddy Duty”, “On call” and “At the helm” are always safer alternatives.

7. Don’t lie on your back and hold the baby above your head facing you. They puke. It’s the infant equivalent of the Funny Home Video guy pitching to the kid with the baseball bat and getting squared in the pills. Everybody likes lying on their backs, holding the baby in the air and fly them over their face. Babies LOVE this and this joy often sends a surge of yak right into your who’s-daddy’s-airplane-open-mouth. They give no warning. They are vomit grenades.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below


8. Be CIA guy. Too often I think fathers get shoved to the side and it’s all about the baby, and to a lesser extent, the mom. Don’t worry about it and just be a gazelle in the grassland because you’re in the trenches, and there’s no glory in the trenches. Be like those awesome CIA guys with the silly putty in their ear who silently, seamlessly gets the odd glass of water, loads the dishwasher and does that slow motion body block when your dirty cousin with the cold sores tries to stick her finger in the baby’s mouth. Your work will go unnoticed at first but when the dust settles you’ll be revered and adored.

Your job at this time is really important. Some guys totally get it right of the bat, and to you I say, “right on”. You’re the voice of reason, the pillar of strength and the cavalry wrapped in to one. You need to be there for your partner because she’s probably like Newt when Ripley first finds her in Aliens – terrified, tired, dirty and overwhelmed and the worst time is mostly at night. Mostly.

It takes a great guy to step up and dig in during those first few months. But a guy who says “I’ll be home early, I’m bringing dinner and I want to take the baby for a walk as soon as I get home”, now that’s a fucking man. Be a man, dude.

Related post: 10 Things New Moms Want to Tell New Dads

About the writer

Amy Morrison is the Canadian asshat behind Pregnant Chicken. She started the website when she found out that she could have safely consumed caffeinated coffee during both her pregnancies and she was livid. She decided that the truth needed to be told about the myths surrounding pregnancy and the crap that goes along with it.

From Around the Web

Close

DJH 3 months ago

I do that. I do all that and more. But sometimes I need a break, when I’m taking over as soon as I walk in the door, where is my break. Oh right it’s when I’m at work. Coz that’s a break. Sone dads are dying here.

DJH 3 months ago

Agreed. So tired. My life as a new dad. Wake up. Go to work. Come home. Look after baby. Go to bed. Weekend is wake up. Look after baby. Do shopping. Do vacuuming. Do washing. Make dinner. Look after baby. Go to bed. Rinse and repeat. It sux.

JP 4 months ago

1. If dinner won’t be on the table on time don’t leave it until I walk in the door to tell me – If you can’t arrange dinner to be on time I’ll have another pint at the pub and order a bag of chips.
2. What are you doing out of the kitchen – I’m sure they neighbors are more interested in their lawns than they are hearing about Johnny’s first “gaga” noise. Plus there is dinner to be cooked in 30 more minutes…29…28 (see point above)
3. Get excited about my job – its what earns the money so you can take a shower. Listen. All you’re doing is cooking dinner, the least you could do is listen to my stories about my day.
4. See point 1. – just have dinner on the table
5. Don’t go on about how hard you day was – the kid is a month old, feed it, put it to sleep, change his nappy, repeat. How hard can it be?
6. You are babysitting – have a nap when the baby is napping. When do I have a chance to have a sleep at work?
7. Don’t shake the baby – we all know all new mothers have “baby brain” and liable to do any dumb thing that comes to mind so we thought we should inform you all that shaking is bad.
8. Be CIA mum – don’t expect you husband to notice anything you do or go to the trouble of once in a while mentioning they appreciate it. Just wait till you baby grows up and they can tell you themselves.

“Now that’s a fucking man.” Bullshit. That is a recipe for depression and relationship breakdown. A real relationship accepts tough days, we communicate and we help with each others problems ON BOTH SIDES, the mother AND the father. Men need support just as much as women do during the first few days, months, years of a baby’s life. Articles, nah shall is say garbage, such as this just makes men feel the need suppress their feelings, their issues and their difficulties from their loved ones which can only lead to isolation from their partners and babies. You should be ashamed Ms. Morrison. With the position you hold why not do something productive and helpful for new parents?

Chris 4 months ago

Just because you married a dick, doesn’t mean this article is any more factually correct. Avoid the stereotypes, open your eyes and your brain

stuart 4 months ago

Tell her to pull her finger out of her arse or your off.

stuart 4 months ago

A men!

stuart 4 months ago

Parenting is a two player game. The emotionally numb alpha out hunting for meat with defenseless mate keeping the cave warm is a cute story but let’s face it, parenting is team work these days and there has to be mutual understanding of the unique difficulties and responsibilies EACH parent faces. Parenting isn’t mom multi tasks and micro manages the world while daddy looks on drooling and rubbing her back asking when dinner will be ready. Dads need more respect. We too feel overwhelmed, we too fear we won’t cut it, we fear that fatherhood might be more than were capable of. So don’t generalise , parenting is 50/50. And if its not its because you’ve settled for it not to be.

Dallas 4 months ago

So, dad is supposed to come home, shut up, and take over for mom, and he’s not allowed to talk to his wife about his day? Seriously? Is this how you think marriage works? Before you moms were mothers, you were wives. Shame on you for threatening your husbands with castration because he wants to talk to his wife about his day. We all acknowledge, and are very thankful for, all that you moms do. But don’t you think for one moment that fatherhood is a cake walk. Dads have to worry about the future of out families, providing a stable environment for our children, shouldering the burden that you yourselves put on us, expecting us to be the silent warrior, ultimate provider, and all around superman. If I had a significant event happen at work, I’m talking about it. If my neighbor sees me coming in and asks me about the two things in this world that I love most, I’m talking to him. I will not sacrifice my manners. Again, shame on you.

Katherine 4 months ago

Well said Michael! I shared this with my husband and told him how glad I was that this didn’t pertain to us!

Rose 4 months ago

He’s home on paid leave for 6 months and you’re doing all the work? Is he sleeping all day, golfing with friends? WTH! Sorry to tell you, that’s a jerk.

chris 4 months ago

Agreed! I am constantly told i’m doing things wrong and it makes me feel awful. I always try my hardest.

sharyn 4 months ago

Grow up! I have 3 kids and though my husband is not always the hands on type (he was to an extent with the first one, then the responsibilities increased and he has to work later hours), i know he is a good father all the same. We chose to have children. In this day and age you can choose, so if you decide to bring a child into this world, puhleeez grow up first! you are supposed to be a balanced, normal adult, married to a spouse you choose to be with, so why the cribbing? you’ve got it tough? well, you opted for it. I know mums who have single handedly brought up five kids, held a job and managed home while their husbands too worked and pitched in wherever possible. You have a baby! Enjoy this blessing! Many women would give anything to be in your place! Of course it will be difficult, good things in life never come easy, and if they do, they are rarely appreciated in the long run. You have a little miracle in your home, your family, don’t mess it up by being selfish. The moment you decided to have a baby, you decided to go beyond yourself. That should never change!

Mary 7 months ago

I’m with you. Mine went home to get a decent meal & ended up sleeping for almost 9 hours. I was in labor and then had to have an emergency c-section in a foreign country where I barely spoke the language. How fun – making life & death decisions without the proper information while he catches up on his beauty rest.

Robbie 7 months ago

You could try saying – I am taking baby & other child to the grocery store. You clean up & start the laundry. If we can get it all done by 5 – let’s have a date nite. That would work for me. My husband said his X was a lot like yours & he had luck with this scenario a few times.

Robbie 7 months ago

God No – then you have to clean up the bed, the carpet & all the clothes. Plus re-feed the baby while he showers.

Robbie 7 months ago

He’s playing with his cellphone

Robbie 7 months ago

I understood my Xwanted some time to ‘decompress after a long days work’, but I would love to eat or shower or anything for 5 minutes after all day long alone with 3 babies – 1 a screaming colic baby. He left before they got up in the morning and wasn’t home til 10 at night. Fuck his decompression time.

Robbie 7 months ago

Me too – Destinee – right down to no family, no friends & the voice in the head. My X brags that he has never “babysat” our 3 at the same time. He insisted I take at least 2 with me, even to the OBGYN.

eric 7 months ago

I never and I mean NEVER comment on the random articles I read, but holy shit this is amazing. The laughter didn’t wake my 2 month old , but my wife will be asking what I was laughing at in the morning…thank you and damn you lol

Sas 7 months ago

If every man who ever behaves like this was kicked out by his partner without a second chance most families would be headed by a single mother! Yeah, if someone behaves like this ALL the time then you’re better off without him, but the average daddy is a flawed human being like the rest of us and sometimes needs a reminder. You may be a perfect father who never, ever acts like a bit of a dick but not everyone is quite so wonderful.

skant 7 months ago

This is the biggest crock ever. First off, of you have the luxury to be a stay at home mom, you should be thankful. Most people can’t get by on one income anymore. You also actually get to parent instead of missing all of baby’s firsts. Second, I not staying home with the baby isn’t all fun and games, but it’s not like the man hasn’t worked all day. It’s bs to say anything at home trumps what happens at a job. Make a mistake at home, you learn your lesson. Make a mistake at home, your family is on the street. When the working parent gets home, the baby shouldn’t be thrown at them, the responsibilities should be shared at that point. Everyone has a hard day, don’t throw everything on one person, that’ll drive anyone away.

Andi Cronan 7 months ago

I wish!!!

Kate 7 months ago

I wouldn’t call my husband a bad partner or bad dad, and he is way more involved now that DS is 5 than he was when he was a newborn. BUT, I feel like it’s useless to show this kind of stuff to him, even half-jokingly, unless I want to start a fight. Because if I bring that up, he never fails to point out that I was the one dying to be a SAHM and that if I’m unhappy I’m welcome to go to work and earn enough to pay a nanny and housekeeper. It’s true, I did always want to be a SAHM, insanely so, and he feels he is ‘letting’ me be one and I should be grateful, because he’s not crazy about being the sole breadwinner and it already puts pressure on him, hence it’s only fair he shouldn’t be subjected to any at home. It’s also true that my life would’ve been way harder for me personally if I had to work than it is as a sahm, even with no help. I’ve just sort of accepted that if I want help, I need to be prepared to ask for it AND it’s often treated as a favor to me. That’s the price I pay for getting to stay home, oh well.

Trish 7 months ago

My husband is guilty of a lot, if not all of these offenses. He’s better now but he made bringing home a newborn even harder. He would come home and I’d be crying (turns out it was ppd) and he would look at me with such disgust and say “what the hell are you crying about now?!” No sympathy or empathy. We have a 2nd on the way and I’m scared of what it will do to our marriage.

Shannon Butcher 7 months ago

Good info for new Dads

Angela Friday Mottl 7 months ago

SO bloody blessed to have the best husband 😀

Mike Lowsky 7 months ago

I have seen number 7 happen (Heck, I think I did number 7 over my own dad), it’s not pretty (but it is hilarious).

guppy 7 months ago

I’ve got a nearly three month old who breastfeeds on demand so this is still a struggle. My fiancé is on paid paternity leave until our baby is six months old (thanks Quebec government!) But I still deal with 98% of the demands of the baby and most of the housework / cooking, day and night. And my fiancé is neither stupid, negligent, or malicious. He’s actually the sweetest, most patient person I have ever met. He just needs to be reminded that I need help every once in a while.
I need to spell out everything for my fiancé, doesn’t mean I think he’s dumb or a jerk.

Apryl 7 months ago

I am so saving this for later. I’m “setting up” to be a mom (pre-existing conditions necessitate medical work before conceiving). I know he’s scared and has 0 confidence about a new baby. I’ve been working with children and babies my entire life and feel ready to try with my own. I feel like he needs a set of instructions, not written by me, that lets him know what he can do to help. So I’m not being bossy, but he can gain confidence.

Robyn Mast 7 months ago

These are true, but I couldn’t help but be reminded of those articles to wives in the 50s which were pretty much exact opposite of this, and how women today think it’s so ridiculously sexist. “Don’t tell your husband about your problems of the day, he has had a long hard day at work, now is the time to be a listening ear and not bring up your own issues because they aren’t nearly as important as his.”

Elizabeth Stephens Thompson 7 months ago

Funny!

Jenn 7 months ago

Don’t drink the pumped breastmilk. We will kill you.

Asma Haslam 7 months ago

Love it. Esp pt 7 about vomit grenades!

Layla 7 months ago

This article is old. I can remember reading it a year or two ago. Must be lacking in material to have to recycle the same article over again.

Lynzijoy 7 months ago

My husband and I are expecting our first child in September…our plan right now is for him to stay home with the baby while I go back to work after maternity leave. I’ll have to remember these tips so that I’m not the a-hole dbag when I get home from work :-)

Cherie Satterfield 7 months ago

This should be mandatory reading for ALL fathers

Lorrie Kuhn 7 months ago

Something for new dads to read.

Nicole 7 months ago

Once agian, another post demonstrating how women stay at home rather than work. I would think at this point in time we could get a more progressive point of view. After all working all day and not being able to see your child then coming home to laundry, dishes, and cooking isn’t fun either.

Katrina Halstead-Keyser 7 months ago

#6!!!!! My ex needs to read this entire post.

CJacobs 7 months ago

As a full time father I can confirm the truth of #7. Baby vomit in your open mouth is a very real danger and one I hope to help other men avoid. If you absolutely must hold the baby up over your face, for the love of everything: KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED!

Karis Sweeton 7 months ago

Right??? And why is that tolerated??? My hubs is really the best dad I’ve ever seen.

Paige Chavez 7 months ago

I love this

Fraya Bishop Gerevics 7 months ago

A thousand times yes!

Jennifer 7 months ago

Hear hear!

Jennifer 7 months ago

Hilarious! I don’t think this is Daddy-bashing at all – most of us voluntarily drop into the trenches without a clue how hard it’s really going to be, we need to know this stuff! I wish all parents were issued a copy of this blog at ante-natal groups. I also don’t think just “bad guys” get these things wrong, there are plenty of otherwise nice men out there who simply don’t know, because they aren’t experiencing the total lifestyle change their other half is wrestling with. If they value their wife and children, they learn.

Jeremy 7 months ago

In the middle of this article is a rape “joke” that if written on a male-orientated site about a woman, would have crashed the server from the complaints.

Tom Prange 7 months ago

Totally reversed in my household…

Jen Rider 7 months ago

Yes to #1 especially!! Still holding true and my daughter is going to be 2! So irritating

Itzel Alvarado 7 months ago

Lmao at #4, but actually I can make good things in minutes from stuff/leftovers in my fridge, just watch the baby for 15 minutes and dinner is served!

Tanya ‘Shane’ Fehr 7 months ago

Hilarious!

Sarah Harbron 7 months ago

Do men actually help like this

Beth Llewellyn 7 months ago

pfft i think if you marry the right man you want to know about their day, sorry. I disagree with a lot of this, i know its supposed to be funny but really, a good relationship with open communication negates all of these!

Ruth Colley 7 months ago

I love this post ! My EX said the babysitting word and it made me crazy. Notice I said EX. Lol

Jwulf 7 months ago

This reminds me of the old articles about how to greet your husband home after a work day, where the woman was to be freshly washed and dressed, the children all smiles and quiet, house clean, and warm dinner on the table. From what I have seen, the more children, the less helpful the hubby gets because mom is experienced. I have a husband who very much believes that he works and the kids are mostly my duty. Rare exceptions may apply.

Jessica Mossman 7 months ago

Go to work and the list that drives you crazy will change!

April Zegers 7 months ago

Hilarious! I love these articles laced with humor.

Jenna Troy 7 months ago

This is brilliant!!

Allison Longest 7 months ago

So much yes!

Tiffany Bell 7 months ago

Sooooo many men need this! Even if your child is 18mo old..

TK Leah 7 months ago

Truth!!

Katie De Oliveira Anderson 7 months ago

and bring dinner!

Anna Walsh 7 months ago

This made me chuckle

Amanda Anderson 7 months ago

So hilarious!

Julie R. 7 months ago

I don’t think she was saying all men do all those things. I think she’s heard them over time from different people. And just because you guys are in the same house living the same life that you both are speaking the same language. It’s called communication and sometimes you need a little mommy daddy dictionary to help you out!

Ashley ‘Schriefer’ Flaumenhaft 7 months ago

Love the last two lines lol!

Lisa Franklin Smith 7 months ago

Ah, #7…gets ’em every time!

amanda 7 months ago

Amen awesome daddy!

Mollie 7 months ago

And I’d add: when your wife says, “do you want to give the baby a bath tonight?” or “do you want to hold him for a while since I can’t get him to stop crying?” or “do you want to change him this time?” the answer is ALWAYS YES. Always.

amanda 7 months ago

Lol same here

Aerin Freno 7 months ago

Nice to see someone else have my view on #6!!

Rebecca Buchanan 7 months ago

This is awesome! Glad my hubby does most of these things!

Kel P 7 months ago

Joke? If you think this article is nothing but a joke then you must not be married or have kids. ANY mother, first timer or not, would LOVE if these things were to happen on the reg. For me, even with a now 7 and 3 yr old, some of these things are GREATLY appreciated. I think the comment you are referring to is meant to show that this article is generally funny, but 100% true. Most new dads need a little advice and these are great tips. Even for dads who are getting back into the game after not having a baby for a while would probably benefit from these. I think first timers and long term dads forget how hard it is to run a household when they are not there to witness it 24/7. They do everything they think they should, but sometimes maybe the little things are forgotten. I remember when I was blessed with my first little boy and mu=y husband was working pretty short (but grueling) days, he would come home, go to sleep on the couch, all while I was still taking care of newborn and then wake up and ask what the plans were for dinner and all I wanted to do was cry. Not all guys can be 100% perfect like Mr Michael up there ^.

Jessie Gee 7 months ago

I love this! And it doesn’t matter if it’s the first baby or not… it’s true!

Sandy Bergeron 7 months ago

#3 is completely true and I’m a momma of 4

Dan L. 7 months ago

It’s a joke!! See how the title includes ‘Surviving your Wife’ ?? This is all for fun. There are a thousand other articles that are about women pointing fingers at themselves & other women as well. In fact, that’s the majority of them. Don’t gotta be teste about it 😉

Rebecca Simmons 7 months ago

This should be handed out to every new father as they leave the hospital!!

Bobbie N Keith Bemister 7 months ago

Hahahahahaha

Sam Heikkinen 7 months ago

My only issue is telling them they are not allowed to vent about a hard day. Since when is it a competition of who has it harder? If he can’t vent to his wife about a stressful day at work, who can he talk to at the end of the day?

Blaire Pawluk Hawes 7 months ago

Best. Article. Ever.

Emma 7 months ago

My hub is a total gem. Works hard all day crazy hours so he can be home early. Looks after the kids once he’s home, does most of the chores. Never has man flu, cancels his stuff to work from home if I am sick. In fact, I try to get him to act more selfish so he can have some downtime – working a full time job then not stopping when you get home is pretty rough! Some dads were just born great…..my heartfelt sympathies to those with hubs who are not.

guy 7 months ago

The amount of anti-male sexism in this article is incredible…

My mom worked a full time job and she took care of the house and 3 children, without complaining. Not sure how much more these stay at home moms do than she did, yet they go on complaining about how rough their “line of work” is and they’re not working 40 hours a week on top of it all…

Also love how it says men have a “job” regarding the child care, yet I know most of the people applauding this article would cry foul is a man referred to the mom as having a “job” such as this.

And guess what? Many men can’t leave work early because, you know, someone has to make money to pay the mortgage if the wife is staying home…

Sarah Coler 7 months ago

“The new dad’s guide to surviving your controlling wife”.

Renee Walsh 7 months ago

Hilarious but true!!

Ungrateful bitch 7 months ago

Related to #4: when my MIL visited for a week-plus after our first daughter was born, she would cook for us, which was great, but she would always ask us what time we wanted to sit down for supper. As if you can plan anything with a newborn! My husband and I would just look at her quizzically and say, “Um, whenever the baby lets us?”

Susanne Darcy 7 months ago

I’m SO disappointed right now! I actually thought this post was written by a first time father and I was totally elated! As in, Yay! This guy gets it!!! Read out first paragraph to husband who responded ‘Its a woman’. I’m like, ‘no, no, it’s a guy, and he totally GETS it!’. But he was right, I was wrong, and there probably isn’t a single man in the whole f#+!ng universe who actually f#=!ng gets it

Tandra Phelps 7 months ago

Omg….#2. What the hell are you doing in the garage? Rearranging your tools can wait!

Ashley Daniel 7 months ago

Lol love this. I’m a stay at home mom of a 5yr old not in school yet & a 1 1/2 yr old and I’m 20wks preg. with baby #3 yikes & I’m only 25. Everything I do around here gets overlooked a lot of the time & I’ve been told it’s not hard to do what I do ha “it’s not a job” This article is so right and I wish people would try to see and understand just a little more.

Connie Kappos Philippas 7 months ago

#5 is hilarious. Lol!!

emma 7 months ago

Everyone saying this is so funny but this didnt make me laugh, it brought back all the memories of me staying up all night with our newborn while my husband was out at his friends house every night after work and then at the neighbors for hours while I did everything, put the kids to bed without him while he was out having fun. Not a good feeling of doing everything alone when you’re suppossed to have a partner. Things are better now that the kids are older and I gave him an ultimatum but those first few months were hell.

Autumn ‘Fiske’ Mathias 7 months ago

I agree with one of the previous commenters who was (gasp) a dad who cooks. My husband is honestly a more efficient and all around better cook than I am, and thus he makes dinner most nights. I am not a stay at home mom for most the year (I only stay home part time in the summer while trying to finish my PhD), but he still likes to cook. He even likes to bake more than I do. Should that be a bad thing? I am also tired of the stereotypical view that cooking/cleaning the house is “women’s work” although I recognize that this is still an expectation of women in our society. Ugh.

Shanna Dilworth 7 months ago

Hilarious but have to say my hubby was a natural!

MaryShah 7 months ago

It’s NOTa total joke!! When we were first married, with one child, hubby helped a lot–by his standards. Later on, less help and more snide remarks signaled lots of issues. Being a caregiver is a lifelong job– you won’t have babies around forever, but hopefully you will have people around! Someone needs to bring home the bacon*, cook it, serve it/eat it, and clean up after. That’s a life skill, not a wife skill!! *bacon– pork, beef, turkey, tofu, veggie.

Amy Sowers 7 months ago

X1000!!!! I work from home, take care of the baby, contribute 75-80% of the household income…and I can count on one hand the number of times he even held the baby in the first 3-4 months if her life.
Don’t even need a hand to count dinners cooked because I know it was 0.
Lost count though on how many days I listened to how tired he is (after listening to him snore all night!) and how boring his job is.

Rob Uthe 7 months ago

Here’s an idea: learn how to cook, grown men. It’s not “women’s work”. The options shouldn’t be “cereal or take out”. I made dinner pretty much every night after work when my wife was on maternity leave. Now that I work nights and watch our 1 and 3 year olds during the day, I make dinner before my wife gets home before working until midnight.

I also do all the other stuff: diapers, messes, play dates etc. In fact, other than nursing, there really isn’t anything you can’t do. Men: defy the stereotype of the “useless, bumbling dad” shown in this article.

Juliette LaBelle 7 months ago

Lmao. #7 killed me

Karissa Bulthuis 7 months ago

Lol! We have cereal night once a week!

James O’Hagan 7 months ago

Do this come with a bottle of tequila? Lol

Amy Thayer 7 months ago

This was a great read – and true!

Kat Holmes-Adams 7 months ago

Do not drink the pumped breast milk unless you want pain.

Molly McKee Nickson 7 months ago

I love #2. Seriously. Do not sit in your car and chat on the phone. Do not decide it’s time to haul some tools back into the shed. Do not decide ANYTHING out side the house needs any attention what so ever.

Joe Qualtieri 7 months ago

Apparently my wife makes a good husband since every article I read implies that I’m a mother.

Megan Riggs 7 months ago

My king! My hero! My savior! My HUSBAND!!! On point. Well written and funny as hell. To the man who wrote this. You and the others like you need to teach a class!

Amy McConohy 7 months ago

Omg! Totally! All new dads must read this!

Sara Deegan 7 months ago

Who doesn’t love a left testicle for dinner?

Leslie Richardson 7 months ago

yes yes yes

Shaina Stone 7 months ago

Best one yet!!!!

Adrienne Michele 7 months ago

OMG amazing

Stephanie Vergara 7 months ago

Bestbestbestbestbestarticleever

ilmom 7 months ago

oh HELL no on drinking the pumped breastmilk. i worked HARD to pump that and it isn’t for anyone else!

Shannon Lee 7 months ago

I have friends whose husbands refuse to “babysit” their own children. Idiots.

Heidi Os Ahokannas 7 months ago

“Why it’s such a mess since you are home all day?I’ll take a nap because I didn’t sleep too well….”…. Heard it so many times and every time wanted to smack my (ex) husband. With a frying pan.

soccermomof3 7 months ago

My now ex fiancee came home from work one day and asked “what’d you do all day the house is a mess”. I was home with a 5 yr old, 3 yr old, and colicky newborn. I didn’t say anything. Got up the next morning, took my son to school, and went to my mother’s and slept. Picked my son up from school and went home. Walked in to total chaos but, he never asked me what I did all day again, no matter how trashed the house was. He decided clean, fed, cared for children was a great day. Smart man.

Kate White 7 months ago

If this is your wife/ fiancé/ girlfriend run! Or good luck to ya pal

Joel Maldonado 7 months ago

I like cereal

Liza Lambert 7 months ago

I’m in tears laughing so hard.

Sara Kennedy 7 months ago

Love my man!

Haley Gunnink Brown 7 months ago

Much of this remains true to toddlerhood and beyond. Especially with twins….

Melody Keebler 7 months ago

Love this.

Stephanie Briles 7 months ago

Lol, all true!

Debra Kitchen Fowler 7 months ago

So true

Martha Hutchinson Boyter 7 months ago

As have I! I know it was a Mom that came up with “crap or get off the pot.” There’s just no way it takes that long!

Heather Wadland 7 months ago

Wth with the hour in the bathroom???? Seriously! I told my husband that perhaps he needs to go see a gastrointestinal specialist.

Heather Wadland 7 months ago

Amen. A thousand times, amen!

Casey Haley Lee 7 months ago

Lol at #5

Lori Avery 7 months ago

LOL this is soooo funny and true!

Martha Hutchinson Boyter 7 months ago

:p

Meg Zbrożek 7 months ago

Jeez I thought I was the only one!!!

Adri 7 months ago

Hell yes!

Andrea Lynne Cox 7 months ago

I hate “what’s for dinner” !!!

Stephanie O’Leary 7 months ago

I’m not even talking about the topic per se or how much new dads should get with the program, that was just one of the best written articles I’ve read on scary mommy! The aliens reference? Perfection. Well done, thoroughly enjoyed

Heather Campbell Karels 7 months ago

Love this!

Kathi Towles Meehan 7 months ago

LOVE this

Erin Krol 7 months ago

Funny and true advice :)

Susan Rampke 7 months ago

This is exactly what Every man should read lol!

Jessie May Robins 7 months ago

Haha brilliant particularly like No.5!

Ann-Zoe Trahan 7 months ago

and not answering his cell phone !

Erin D. Waltz 7 months ago

Except the parent who gets to go to work gets to take a dump in peace.

Frank Burlingham 7 months ago

Great advice! I would only add …say hello to your partner, give her or him a hug and a kiss BEFORE you run over and pick up your bundle of joy! It really means a lot to feel loved and appreciated rather than bypassed no matter how good intentioned you may be. – LB

Cat Wildman 7 months ago

“Can you take her?”

“Ok I’ll just go and get changed…”

Aaaaaaaaaargh!

Eric Blackerby 7 months ago

I’m already on it!

Joe 7 months ago

Men generally need more guidance than women because women are generally the primary caretakers. A man who is the family breadwinner is more removed from the home situation and can use a little perspective to ensure he can be appropriately supportive. That’s really all this article is about. It isn’t man-bashing.

Likewise, a lot of the women commenting here don’t seem to understand the situation either. Please, leave his testicles alone. He isn’t home. He doesn’t automatically know what you’re going through. Try having a conversation or, alternatively, have him read this little article.

Jamie Toftey Mulvenna 7 months ago

Real men who were raised and taught this is the way. Not everyone was. Good for you that you were. Let’s raise awareness for every new father.

Craig Newcomb 7 months ago

If your husband needs this list, I am sorry. More and more, men are 100% committed to pulling their weight, and are full partners in all aspects of child care (at least the aspects that they can be – breastfeeding is a full time job all on its own, I saw with my own eyes).

Real men gladly change diapers, feed bottles, clean up messes, and fish poop out of the bathtub.

Ellen Brusko 7 months ago

Amen!

Amanda Agata 7 months ago

Thank you. I really thought my husband was the only one who does this.

Marie Ziskin 7 months ago

My husband never did any of these. I can’t even believe this list is real.

Pamela Alejandra Lopez 7 months ago

Guess I married a shitty choice!

Pamela Alejandra Lopez 7 months ago

Omg I feel you. Mine husband is the same way

Christina Potito Rogers 7 months ago

Lol!!!

Christina Potito Rogers 7 months ago

Todd Fonck I totally agree. I know I take my husband for granted at times. To me, he’s like superman. He works long hard weeks building houses, and is a dedicated father and husband. And he NEVER complains. And I know many dads like him :)

Lake Traasdahl 7 months ago

I love this! My husband was about as helpful as a wet fart and that is why I stopped at 1 child.

Celina Gonzales Sisk 7 months ago

Best aliens reference everrrr

Katie Lazzelle-Baily 7 months ago

My husband is great and looks forward to spending time with our baby girl when he gets home.

Kimberly Nachos 7 months ago

Excellent piece.

Martha Hutchinson Boyter 7 months ago

#2. Come in and get in the house and you don’t need an hour to poop, change, and do whatever before assuming parenting duties. Time to take an enema.

Amy Price 7 months ago

Come home -don’t be a jerk- help out….this is a baby not a monster people need to calm down parents can manage babies

CarolandBob Relph 7 months ago

Great, and helpful list with thoughtful explanations. All prospective dads should read. Bob

Sarah Ruth Calton 7 months ago

This is great! I don’t feel like I learned these concepts in parenting classes at all.

Heather Firman 7 months ago

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah Koebler 7 months ago

Except, don’t actually drink the breastmilk. Pumping that shit is degrading at best, hellfire at worst, and even a curious sip will have you lectured about being a milking cow, and how much that sucks. Or forcefully castrated.

Stephanie Hargesheimer Zoll 7 months ago

The first 2 weeks, while he was home with me, he was all over this!! Once he went back to work, the fairytale ended.

Rachel Reichley 7 months ago

Right on!!!!

Shari Wippert 7 months ago

If only! After three girls in just under four years I finally realized that these options just weren’t open to me, the only person I could rely on was myself. If he wants to help, then great. Until then, I’ve figured out that not asking for help means a quieter, calmer house with less fights, and my anxiety levels aren’t raised higher than they already are. At least he pays the bills and I don’t have to worry about holding down a job on top of everything else!

Julia Matthews 7 months ago

#4…hilarious!!!

Shannon Elise Gallagher 7 months ago

Funny

Shawnda Bodrogkozi 7 months ago

I dont agree with #5. He has his own issues and stress at work and has the same right Mom does to vent them. Unless his bad day was “We had cake at work but it was chocolate and I only like vanilla.” or “Jim bought everyone coffee today but I dont drink Starbucks.”

Alyssa Rach-Nelson 7 months ago

What about the dads that are the primary caregivers during the “9-5”. Being a brand new mom, I’m kind of surprised at how often this is overlooked.

Lyla Hayden 7 months ago

Number five is crucial. Seven, go ahead and let him do it. When puke goes down his throat it’ll be hilarious!

Kirsten 7 months ago

NUMBER 6 NUMBER 6 NUMBER 6 NUMBER 6. oh my gosh why does my husband and ALL of my brother-in-laws insist on calling it babysitting. YOU ARE NOT BABYSITTING YOU ARE WATCHING YOUR OWN F-ING KID GOSH DANG IT.

Alex Rende 7 months ago

#3… winning. TELL HER to go relax/bathe/eat… i cant tell you how many times i’d love to hear this volunteered time from him rather than proclaiming it for myself. it makes me feel like i have to plan that time for myself, in addition to all the other planning, chores and caregiving i do in a day…

Lauren Keiselis 7 months ago

Isn’t just for new dads… I can think of one who’s been a dad for over 3 years and should take note of almost all of these!

Dani 10 months ago

Errr – see the “About” button up the top. Scary Mommy averages 30 million page-views a month. I think people are opening the links.

Dani 10 months ago

Number 4 – if I have managed to stay alive, keep the baby alive AND pump, and you drink the pumped breastmilk, you will not be joining us in the “stayin’ alive” corner. Got it?

Leilani G. Kuras 12 months ago

What you published was actually very logical. But, what about this?
what if you added a little information? I am not saying your
content is not solid., but what if you added something
that makes people want more? I mean New Dad survivial
guide is a little vanilla. You should look at Yahoo’s home page and note how they write post titles to get people to open the links.
You might add a video or a related picture or two to get
people interested about what you’ve got to say.

In my opinion, it could bring your blog a little bit more interesting.

my web page :: Leilani G. Kuras

No disrespect meant 1 year ago

I mean this with no disrespect, and sincerely asking this question.

As a dad I am the one who works, but also cleans the entire house, cooks, shops, pays all the bills with my check, does the laundry, and actually tries to get mom to pump so I can feed LO so she can sleep more than two hours at time. When I am home, I change the diapers, bathe, and do everything I can to take of LO outside of nursing. I also help w/ her other child, not mine,disciplining, feeding, homework, and taking to school at 6am. I come home to dirty dishes, garbage, and then need to take care of 3 other people.

An example: A friend of hers was coming over, and I asked if she was going to clean up all her things, and I got laughed at, because she said her friend wouldnt care. Then when I get home after that, I am told we need to clean the house, basically all her stuff, clothes, to go cups, cups from kitchen.

I am starting to feel a little burnt out, so how would I approach asking SAHM to pick it up a little? Am I wrong for thinking I am doing too much? I am not trying to insinuate that taking care of LO during the day isnt difficult, but is it too much to ask that you clean up after yourself?

Beezy 1 year ago

Lol .. I always forget, and refer to my husband as the babysitter .. He doesnt like that, ooops !

Luke Hancock 2 years ago

I’m a soon-to-be-Father, I’ve learned a lot from this! Thanks

Grace 2 years ago

The gang rape comment was too much for me, but besides that this article really made me laugh.
I’m not a mom yet but I plan on pinning this and hauling it out for my husband when we have our first critter. :)

Virginia 2 years ago

Omg this article made my night hahaha we have two going on 3 and me and my husband are laughing so hard at the descriptions! The gang raped by gorillas got me going and by 5 and 7 we were having trouble breathing hahaha we have been through of these circumstances and its taken some work to understand each other but I deff think this is a good read for new parents!

Mrspk3 2 years ago

hit ‘and’ miss, that is.

Mrspk3 2 years ago

Good point Michael….my husband is hit an miss. Some days, I adore what he’s doing…and then BAM! Suddenly he disappears and showers and goes to bed BEFORE the kids are even in bed. I get it, he’s tired, he’s in the army, and he’s been up since 5 am. But, when I look back at our children’s lives, I have most definitely handled the brunt of it. Ok, yes, I am a SAHM, but when our 2nd child was born, we fought tooth and nail about how he thought he shouldn’t have to get up at night because he had to get up to go to PT. My thought was ‘I will be with this baby ALL day tomorrow. The least you can do is take care of him right now while you are home.’ Our youngest is 2 1/2 now, and the fights about who should get up when are long gone, but it still angers me when I think back to that time.

amomma2two 2 years ago

Thanks I needed a laugh!

Christina Ma 2 years ago

Absolutely brilliant (applauds).

Shana Jones 2 years ago

Well said!

David DeLeon 2 years ago

I joke with my wife, the downside of me busting my butt with the kids at home is that I start forming my own opinion and then I start doing things MY way. It was hard for her to deal with that at first but she eventually realized that though I do things differently, she is able to get other things done. These are great BASIC tips, but dont stop there dads!! The work day dont end when you leave the site and the only way you get better at caring for your baby IS TO CARE FOR YOUR BABY!!

Russell FreeZen 2 years ago

I've learned to set aside all the stuff I loved to do and just come home from work to help out with getting the kids to do chores/homework. Later on in life I will catch up with that stuff I loved, but I will get to do it with my kids or grandkids.

smith207 2 years ago

This made me laugh so hard, I cried. Now off to share with all of the new mommies I know.

Talia Gamble 2 years ago

Dude, I feel you. My son is almost nine now and i’m pregnant with our second. I took a 2 years off from my schooling and career to stay home with my son, but I am also well aware how hard my husband worked and still works. He was always good about trying to help out and give me a break. One thing I always did though, no matter how tired I was, was try to give him half an hour when he got home to decompress. Made him a cup of coffee and we would sit and chat about his day. Usually after he’d about halfway finished his coffee, he’d reach out for the baby and tell me to take a few minutes to do what I needed to and i’d go shower and sit down and eat a real meal for the first time that day. By the time I wandered back into the living room, they were usually sitting on the couch cuddling or he was faux wrestling on the floor. That respect for each other in a marriage goes a long way and he reciprocated when my son was older.

For instance, my kiddo was a straight up DIFFICULT toddler and he’d take one look at me almost in tears after a grocery trip, grab the bags and my kiddo and tell me to go lay down and i’d go cry myself out. I’d reciprocate by getting up with him on the weekends so hubby could sleep in. Good marriage is about communication and mutual respect. I’ve always said that your relationship should be every bit as important as your children is. I think if more couples could keep that respect and admiration for each other through raising kids and carve our time for just the two of them as well, the divorce rate would be much lower.

Talia Gamble 2 years ago

I work outside the home and if I made enough that my husband could stay home with the kids I would still be every bit as helpful because I know how it is. He would actually love being able to do that, and regardless of who is doing more work, communication and working together is the best thing for any marriage.

Talia Gamble 2 years ago

Oh honey, **HUGS** There were certain family members like this when my son was a baby/toddler and people wondered why I was damn near suicidal all of the time. Parenting is HARD a break is NEEDED and mother should not have to give up everything she loves and who she is to be a “Good mother.” I am proudly a “Good Enough” mother. My son is loved, taken care of, and that’s all that matters!

Talia Gamble 2 years ago

I am one of the blessed ones in that department, and you sir are of the same school. It’s a shame so many women have to put up with a guy who doesn’t pull their load when the little one shows up!

Darin Christensen 2 years ago

I just want to say, number 7 happened to me, and it made my wife's week. After being yak'd on, peed on, pooped on, slobbered on, and all that, she seriously loved watching me get it in the kisser. And I couldn't blame her – I even laughed about it… after a while.

www.chromatophobic.com 2 years ago

You nearly broke my laptop. I laughed so hard, I sprayed a mouthful of coffee all over the screen. From now on I will avoid drinking or eating anything when reading your blog. Great post!

Julie Knutson 2 years ago

Ahahaha!

Cassie Calhoun 2 years ago

I've been very fortunate! My husband spent the first 3 weeks off work to be with me (i was sick for the 3rd, so he was on double-time!). He actually showed me how to do a few things that I hadn't even considered! Seriously, how many new moms have had the foresight to NOT bury the diaper bag when shopping? Not this one! But he changes diapers, feeds him, and will on occasion take our son from me at 4am when he hears me muttering threats to the screaming child who can't tell me what's wrong.

Now if I could just get him to take out the trash…

Ray-Becky Ashworth 2 years ago

I agree with everything except after a couple months, clean up the throw up if required but enjoy the over the head trick. But hey, I am a guy not a woman.

Liz 2 years ago

Totally get it! Sometimes, we all need a little buffer time. Send the kids to go play in the yard. They are surprisingly adept at entertaining themselves. Contrary to popular opinion, you CAN set your little one down in their crib and hang out together for 5 minutes! It gives you some time to reconnect, decompress, and tell each other about your day.

Aj Jones 2 years ago

Awesome info…Dads don't always think of this stuff, and it's good to be reminded. Thx babe for shootin' me the heads up.

Rebecca 2 years ago

Completely hilarious. . .OMG thank you for making me laugh til my stomach hurt (and it wasn’t from pregnancy nausea!)

Bob 2 years ago

To be fair, the article starts by calling the author “the Canadian asshat” so one can assume you’re supposed to look at this “advice” as a total joke.

SoonToBeSingle 2 years ago

Close to a decade ago, I left my week-old babe with my husband when I went up for a nap after nursing him (as all the books told me to do). Came down to find him alone, in the kitchen, in a bouncy chair, by himself, while spouse was immersed in 20-hour sci-fi miniseries in the living room. When I protested, I was told, “I’m on vacation.”

Two months later, I discovered that I was also quite capable of changing his diaper with one arm behind my back (almost literally) since it was casted (you-know-who would not get up). Could maneuver & flip him with one hand in crib, but could not pick up.

Ladies, if you’d like me to set you up with this gem when our divorce is final, let me know. This attitude never really changed!

Misty 2 years ago

Laughed until I peed a little. Every single thing is true.

Hopefully new dad soon! 2 years ago

Haha, thanks. No, I believe I’M the lucky one. She works hard (as do I), but she has a lot of other things on her plate and she handles it well. It’s disheartening when you see men who believe in old chivalrous ways thinking the women should be responsible for the home and them for money.

Sorry fellas, we live in an equal world and if it wasn’t for those women who gave birth to your children (who you don’t deserve by the way) you would just be some lonely pieces of garbage. Think about the work women do while your at work, the morning and afternoon are the busiest times of the day!

Kelly 2 years ago

I agree with you, sir! Needing to learn the ropes is one thing, being a selfish piece of crap is another. Asking why a new mom didn’t make dinner when she’s been “sitting around all day” is grounds for divorce (and maybe even the sign of a sociopath, seriously, who says that??). I’ve seen too many friends and acquaintances suffer through the “babysitting” types of fathers to support giving any more than one chance to get it right. Not knowing HOW to change a diaper is one thing. Refusing to do it or underhandedly trying to avoid it is unacceptable. My dad was an actual secret agent man tough guy, and he happily changed diapers, bottle fed us, played with us and was a consistently great dad from day one. No excuses.

mommydelirious 2 years ago

First of all, great post! Good advice, and kudo’s to all the men who actually step up to the plate.

Second of all its kinda funny how men like to assert their dominance by using phrases like “get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich” to put women in their place and excuses like “I’ve just worked all day” to excuse their lack of participation in home life. You can’t even make your own sandwich and you want me to believe you’re the dominant gender?!
You can’t spend 15 minutes bathing your child after a days work when there are single moms out there raising multiple children and keeping a home all while working and not receiving a bit of household nor monetary help from a male partner?
I mean, I’m *just* a woman so I probably have no place saying this at ALL but really, it makes you wonder who the dominate gender REALLY is. *eyeroll*

MarySunshine 2 years ago

In my circle of friends the ladies are very appreciative of their significant others (husbands, boyfriends, fiances). I know guys don’t like sweeping generalizations, and neither do we.

You can take this a funny, helpful post about being new parents, or you can continue to have your boxers in a bunch. It that’s how you want to spend your weekend, have at it. There are tons of books, blogs and other forms of literature geared towards the new mom. When someone tries to add to all the knowledge by giving new dads some advice it’s a bad thing. I don’t know about you, but I know my husband was just as nervous as I was about being a first time parent as I was. We both read a lot about what to expect, and honestly funny things like this post gave us more comfort than the delusional sunshine and unicorns shit we found other places.

Team Parent! 2 years ago

I get this is supposed to be funny, I do, I just have to read it very tongue in cheek since this isn’t my reality (thank GOD)! I respect stay at home PARENTS and as the working parent (and mom), my Stay At Home Dad Husband (who started doing this job on his OWN while I worked beginning when our preemie was just 6 weeks old) and I maneuvered new parent-dom together and it was never ‘stupid dad needs to figure it out’…we were both a little clueless in the beginning and still are learning as the kids grow since each new age is like a new beginning for us. As the working parent, I actually have needed an occasional ten minutes to unwind when I get home from work, sometimes get stuck a little late and couldn’t call until I was on the road home, have business trips, etc., so we should cut at least some slack to any parent who works outside the home at times when they need it if they are really trying to balance work/home life as best as they can (I actually get up before my husband every day – sometimes a few hours earlier!). We have bosses, too, and some as demanding as our kids, sadly, and, yes, some days are harder at work than at home (and visa versa)…so none of this ‘trumping’ thing because it is not helpful. Of course, being a mom is more important to me, but I also have to sometimes weigh my paycheck with my family obligations which really sucks at times and I hate it, too. Some days are easier and some aren’t for everyone. We figured out how to co-parent and co-clean as a team and just make the extra effort if one parent needs more ‘me’ time. I think everyone should work together to decide what is right for them. If your partners really suck that bad and are no help as a parent, I’d think twice about staying together because, Lord, why have kids if you don’t care for them (and NOT just financially)? *Stepping off Soap Box* Honestly, just trying to throw a little perspective on this because I do see both sides. I also wanted to say I really respect single parents. I don’t know HOW you do it and I know many who somehow do it well (or appear to, I’m sure it’s not easy!). OK, commence to laughter!

Marta 2 years ago

I loved the post. I don’t think it was daddy bashing at all. I thought it was funny and cute. My husband does a lot of those things naturally and I’m sure lots of husbands do but it’s still a nice reminder that things like telling us when you’ll be home and helping out really do mean a lot. Especially when you’re home all day with a newborn.

TheShitastrophy 2 years ago

Awesome! Loved the gazelle in the grasslands. Every one had me laughing and nodding along. I wish I had this list ohhh I don’t know how about 10 years ago!

Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 2 years ago

Awwww, your wife is a lucky lady! This comment just warmed my heart! =)

Hopefully new dad soon! 2 years ago

My wife and I are trying for a child. While a lot of these things are common sense to me and I don’t believe I will make most of these errors, it was useful to read what is important to a mother and will stick in the back of my head while raising our child. Ignore those idiot guys that say this is bashing because, if it really was, the article wouldn’t have ended on a positive note to good dads.

Thanks for the enlightenment for this (hopefully) father to be!

Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 2 years ago

Haha, right on, Jason. I read your work, I know you’re one of the good ones! =)

And yeah ladies, he’s happily married. *INSERT MORE SAD TROMBONE HERE*

Jason Good 2 years ago

While I don’t condone hours of Xbox playing after a co-parent has spent all day with the kids, I do think that parents who work outside the home should get a bit of a buffer period before being expected to take over the parenting duties–especially if they have a short commute.

Helen 2 years ago

What you didn’t just free hand it? I might have to hurt someone who told me just a minute. Or, got the baby out and told him he had a mess to clean up in the tub!

Helen 2 years ago

I’m not…already married that is. Nice one, Jason! I’m guessing you’re NOT the kind of guy I hear wives bitching about coming home from work and plopping down in front of an XBox for hours?

I hope your wife appreciates you!

Brenda Dion 2 years ago

Definitely going to share this with two new Moms (and Dads). Made me laugh out loud!!!!

Jessica Smock 2 years ago

Yes! #2 is one of my biggest pet peeves with my husband. It’s been an endless day, and I’ve been watching the clock for 5:30 to come for hours. He finally pulls onto our street, parks the car, but THEN chats with an assortment of the neighbors for another 20 minutes. Yet I don’t want to be THAT wife, who nags her husband to come into the house.

Stephanie (www.whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com) 2 years ago

I need to frame #2 for my husband: GET HOME AND GET IN THE HOUSE. I don’t know what in God’s glory he does out there, but the garage door opens and he doesn’t appear for, like, another 30 minutes. WTF, man?! Mama needs a bath and to shave and shit.

Tanya 2 years ago

YES! I hate the term babysit when its the dad. You don’t babysit your own child!

Sara 2 years ago

I remember when B was new and feeding at the hours god sent. My lovely husband would get home from work put b in his pram and take him out for 40 minutes to an hour. Everyday. My first and only peaceful time of those breastfeeding days. Going for a shower, cooking something we could eat hot, and, most importantly, no crying baby causing my breasts to spontaneouly leak. I love my husband. I will be forever grateful for how much he does, but why am I pregnant again, it’s definitely his fault!

MarySunshine 2 years ago

I am always thankful when my husband takes over for me. While I find myself raising my eyebrows at some of his clothing choices for the kids, I keep my mouth shut. Unless he’s managed to dig out something two sizes too small. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does I will fix that. No one wants to hear the beasties complain all day if their shorts are too tight. :-)

Heather 2 years ago

Wow.

Tanstaafl2 2 years ago

Destinee – I’m sorry for what you went through with your ex and his family. It sounds like he was a real turd. The mom’s I have issue with are those who either don’t ask for help (then get steamed when he doesn’t pick up on the fact that she really DOES want help), or those who get exasperated with her husband when he does help because “he’s not doing it right”. You deserve an actively helpful husband who should be willing to help when he knows or is informed what is needed.

Ladydeelg 2 years ago

HAHAHA this is hysterical. It’s everything I wish someone would’ve told mine.
After a long night with my LO (he was up for three hours) this made me LOL and I thank you.

Sharon 2 years ago

My husband just laughed at your comment. After turning paler and paler listening to me read Bob & Joe’s comments. I’ve got a good one.

Julie 2 years ago

Hilarious! I wish I’d had this list when I had #1! The Bob and that other dude need to lighten the hell up. Jebus.

Natasha 2 years ago

My ex, had no problem snoring through my labour. It was all down hill from there. It doesn’t take much to be supportive. Great post!

Celeste Rosnok 2 years ago

Wish my EX had red this. which is why he IS my EX! LOL
Love the puke plane. :)
He would tell me to take a shower like it was being a prison sentence on him.

TK 2 years ago

Wow! Do you have a printable poster version I can pass around? Because this applies not just to new dads, but ALL dads.

Lynn from For Love or Funny 2 years ago

Very funny! And the comments have been just as entertaining…

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 2 years ago

You forgot one : if one of you is upstairs giving the baby a bath and suddenly yells ‘bring me a large spoon, NOW!’ Do not, not yell back : “in a minute! just finishing this game/paragraph/whatev… ”
Related : ever fished baby poop out of a bathtub?

dee 2 years ago

Lol! Good one!

Amanda Martin 2 years ago

I don’t know what is funnier, this article or some of the comments! Honestly, people, take a chill pill and read it for what it is… Sigh, everyone takes everything so seriously.

I have friends whose husbands really do come home and ask why the dishwasher hasn’t been stacked. I once posted on Facebook something like ‘good day, no one died’ and my mum went mental, saying social services would take my kids away… Really?!?

I’m super lucky that my husband was laid off a few months after my first child was born, and got to witness first hand the relentlessness of parenting. It made him much more sympathetic, and he has always agreed that it’s harder than working. It doesn’t stop him expecting dinner and clean underwear, but it does stop him being stupid enough to say it out loud. And for those early months he knew his job was to walk in the door and take over.

I’d say this is excellent advice for any new dad if they want the first few months (years!) of being a parent to be anything other than hideous…

Anjie 2 years ago

Wow! I have an amazing boyfriend. My Ex-Husband (of 13 years) yourself to say he was “babysitting!” It is the ultimate in disrespect, both from what your wife does all day (even working Mother’s don’t say such a thing), and to your child! You don’t “babysit” your own kids! My boyfriend of four years has never used that terminology! He says something like “I’m spending time with the kids.” I’m lucky! Finally! I got two great kids from him but most of the 13 years that I was married ,was a waste of time with a narcissistic creep!

Destinee 2 years ago

Holy man, I’m with Amy! (Except I’m not married-interested? 😉 )

Destinee 2 years ago

Every so often, you run into a mom like me-who desperately begged and pleaded for help, or even just 5 minutes to take a shower by herself, and was told she was a bad mother for doing so. This was from my ex and his ENTIRE FAMILY. Needless to say, three years later, I don’t ask for help, because I still hear them in my head “You’re a bad mom. GOOD moms don’t need help or a break. You’re terrible at this.” It’s not always stubbornness or lack of communication; some of us end up with genuine assholes in our lives. I have an autistic toddler and an NT one year old, no family near me, no friends, no help-24/7 mom over here, all because it took me forever to gather the courage to get the hell out and because he still has it in my head that asking is a bad thing. (Yes, we see a counselor to undo the damage he did.)

Olivia 2 years ago

You’re just awesome! Spot on! Can’t stop laughing! These should be “Husbands’ 8 Basic Commandments” (more to be added as and when necessary). Thanks. You made my day!

Amy K. 2 years ago

If I weren’t already happily married, I would propose to you right now!

michele 2 years ago

Every bit of this was awesomesauce! My husband is practically Superman but was completely clueless when we had a newborn. I seriously wish I could have shown him this 10 years ago. And holy shit in a shingle! “Joe” and “Bob” are the WORST kind of clueless. My husband was a little wet behind the ears when it came to our first baby, but he got better. Those two douche canoes will be stuck like that forever. And seriously, I would much prefer to JUST go to work for 10 hours a day versus the reality which is working THEN coming home to tend the kids, house, laundry, dinner, errands, pets, appointments, etc. etc. etc. Shocking I know, but many of us women-type work outside the home too.

Melissa 2 years ago

I’m not a new mum, 14 (almost 15 yo & 6 going on 7 yo), but these were spot on! Plus I love you forever for not only getting a Lord of the Rings reference but an Aliens (best movie EVER) reference in the same post.

Jason Good 2 years ago

Nice work dads. Now she has to add “have a fucking sense of humor” to the list.

Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 2 years ago

Then the reverse is true. This is supposed to be funny! Lighten up, y’all!

xoxo

Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 2 years ago

Yep. They should definitely get props for trying. It doesn’t come naturally to anyone, not even mommies. =)

oun 2 years ago

what if the dad is doing more of the stay at home work than the mom??!?!

Shan 2 years ago

Wowza was that awesome. Thank you for this. I mean that from the deepest part of my soul LOL!!

Kelly 2 years ago

I love this. I am going to show it to my “what have you done all day, what did you make for dinner–gross!, why aren’t the pants I just took off already cleaned and put away?!” husband.
Man-Bashing? Not in general. I like to be very specific about who I “bash”! My husband clearly needs lot of guidance. I feel this will be a light-hearted reminder to him that he is lucky to have arrived at this point unscathed.

Tanstaafl2 2 years ago

Mom’s who won’t ask for help are from the same branch of the stubborn tree as a wife who won’t tell her husband what’s upsetting her, or won’t tell him how to satisfy her when he’s failing her in bed. “He ought to know!” is a sin in and of itself in her eyes. Expecting a man to be as perceptive as a woman is as silly as expecting a cat to bark or a dog to climb trees – we just aren’t made that way. If you want something from your husband, ASK FOR IT! If you say everything is “fine”, we will believe you that everything actually IS fine.

NDeeZ 2 years ago

Amen to that!

rebecca at thisfineday 2 years ago

All so very very true!!

Ashley 2 years ago

And moms have to ask for help too. I think a lot of woman are all or nothing kind of people. Either they want the dad to help with everything, or they want no help at all. I guess there isn’t an easy answer.

Ashley 2 years ago

I feel like so many fathers are made to think that it is only the mother’s job to take care of children. I mean hell, for decades it “was”. But times are changing, and I think a lot of men are really trying to be more involved with the parenting. I know that my husband is way more involved that my father or his father ever was. There are always going to be scum bag dads who could care less, there are dads that care but don’t know how to help. I can’t tell you how many times my friends basically won’t let the dad touch the baby. You have to teach them how to help or they never will.

Norris Ward 2 years ago

to paraphrase our children “Mom, when are you going back to work at a real job” [insert sad trombone]

Tanstaafl2 2 years ago

#9 (except this is for the mothers). Be forgiving. If your husband is trying to help and be supportive, don’t bite his head off because “he’s not doing it right”. If he gets abused and told he’s a f**k-up every time he tries to be a good father and husband, it won’t be long before he stops trying.

Katie 2 years ago

My only addition to this: don’t tell your wife “Nothing has to change” when it comes to scheduling social events around a new baby. TRUST ME. It will not end well for you.

Great job! You really seemed to have summed it up well!

Caley 2 years ago

Where was this post a year ago?? Seriously, SO. SPOT. ON. I thank you for all the soon-to-be-moms out there. This is quality advice, and could reduce the amount of fighting if heeded. Great work.

Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 2 years ago

This is NOT man-bashing, Michael Lombardi! IT IS HELPFUL ADVICE FOR MEN ON HOW TO KEEP THEIR TESTICLES INTACT. (See number 4)

My husband is pretty much the most awesome dream-boat hard-working provider yada yada… but he did make several of these mistakes, and on numerous occasions. We had a bit of a learning curve. He barely made it out of our kids’ baby years with both testicles, and I still feel a little guilty for all those “suffocate him with a pillow” fantasies. He really is a peach, I swear. And so am I, kind of. =/

Momchalant 2 years ago

If only I could get my boyfriend to be home early, bring dinner, and take the little one for a walk once he gets home.. now THAT would be the life.

…. One can always dream.

corey 2 years ago

I have a four year old and two year old at home, but my wife runs a daycare in our house, so all of these rules still apply to me.

carmabella 2 years ago

Well, to be fair, I think the author was going on the assumption that new dads need a little guidance because, for most, this will not be second nature. To some men, yourself obviously, these things are a no brainer and shouldn’t have to be told. To you I say, bravo! But c’mon, I think a new dad deserves at least a trial run and some educating before you kick him to the curb. If he doesn’t get it after that, I agree, out with the trash.

Kbee 2 years ago

This post is fantastic. Fan. Tastic. I’m really excited to do my part to ensure it is seen far and wide, but first, one question –CAFFEINATED COFFEE WHAT!??!??!

jasbeeray 2 years ago

Hahahahaha…no 4 & 5 cracked me up.
I used to be a lot like that but lately I have eased up on daddy dearest because he never gets a break :p

Michael Lombardi 2 years ago

Ah, more daddy bashing. Well, I mean, you did say at the end some guys aren’t like this, so it wasn’t all bashing.

Listen if your husband is like this, he shouldn’t be your husband. You may not be able to change the fact that you now have a baby with him, but for Christ’s sake don’t make another baby with him. Tell him to step his game up or step his shit out. You deserve better and your kid deserves better.

To those of you without kids or husbands, don’t ever think getting married or having a kid will change a guy into what you want him to be. It’s better to be alone than with the wrong person–especially when raising a kid.

ilikebeerandbabies.com 2 years ago

Love all of this.