1. OMG. I’ve slept for two hours — is something wrong with the baby?
2. My boobs hurt.
3. Sleeping on my back makes me snore. Who cares — I deserve to snore if I want to.
4. How much pee on a onesie is enough pee to a require actually changing the onesie?
5. Why is my neighbor coming home so late? He’s totally having an affair.
6. Watching The Bourne Identity in Spanish while nursing is totally building my language skills.
7. Should I shower or sleep. Duh. Stupid question.
8. How many days has it been since I took a shower?
9. I miss my old vagina.
10. I should go check on the baby.
11. The baby is fine. I don’t need to check on the baby.
12. What time was her last feeding?
13. Should I be worried about those weird noises the baby is making?
14. Should I wake the baby because my boobs are bursting or is this normal?
15. I hate my husband.
16. Okay, I don’t hate my husband.
17. I hate my mother-in-law.
18. Why did we agree to go to that brunch tomorrow with those people?
19. Did I swaddle her tight enough?
20. Did I swaddle her too tight?
21. This would be a good time to pump…if I wasn’t so exhausted.
22. Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be this hard?
23. If that car alarm wakes up my baby, I may lose it.
24. How does that crying not wake up my husband? He must be faking.
25. I love this little thing so damn much.
Brought to you by Tommee Tippee, who understands that being a parent is not always easy, especially at 3 a.m. #ParentOn