Parenting

Dear Not Your Daughter’s Jeans

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Originally Published: 

Mr. George Rudes

Chief Executive Officer Not Your Daughter’s Jeans 9856 North Solo Street Los Angeles, CA 90006

Dear Mr. Rudes,

I’ve been looking for new jeans because I recently lost 15 lbs. Starving and cranky, I came across an ad for your company, Not Your Daughter’s Jeans, which specializes in denim for women over 40. I am 45 and admittedly lack any type of degree in psychology, marketing, or even women’s studies; however, I can tell you, without a doubt, that women do not want to be reminded that they cannot fit into their daughter’s jeans! Why do you have to rub it in?

· We don’t want our daughters’ tiny boobs.

· We don’t want our daughters’ scoliosis braces.

· We don’t want our daughters’ creepy band directors.

· We don’t want our daughters’ black liquid eyeliner.

· We don’t want our daughters’ minimum wage job at Taco Town.

BUT…and I tell you this with authority, as I have an over-40, dimpled butt of my own, we want to wear our daughters’ jeans! Or, at least we want people to think we are wearing our daughters’ jeans, not some crease-down-the-middle-waist-up-to-our-armpits-60%-Lycra-sh*t. (Did I mention I was starving and cranky?) In fact, if I was wearing Not Your Daughter’s Jeans and a friend asked, “Hey girl, what kind of jeans are you wearin’?” I would not announce, “Well, let me tell you, they are Not My Daughter’s Jeans!”

At 45, I want jeans that scream: “Yeah, bitch, I bought ‘em in the junior department and they fit fine. F-I-N-E, fine!” I want jeans a man can unbutton with his mouth, not the Jaws of Life. I want jeans that have room for a guy to put his hand in my back pocket. Not itsy-bitsy-teeny-tiny-back pockets with room for just the sitter’s number and an Oil of Olay coupon.

I don’t know how old you are, but here’s a news flash, Mr.Rudes: Women over 40 still feel young and sexy. On Lucky Brand jeans, a tag is sewn into the fly that reads: “Lucky You” – a perfect message for the unzipperer (yep, when I’m cranky, I make up words.) Let me guess, the tag on Not Your Daughter’s Jeans says: “Dry clean only. Hang on pink satin padded hanger. Cover in plastic and store at an average room temperature of 72 degrees.”

It’s an interesting detail that your company tucks a note into every pair of Not Your Daughter’s Jeans that boasts: “NYDJ cannot be held responsible for any positive consequence that may arise due to your fabulous appearance when wearing the Tummy Tuck jeans. You can thank me later.” I think you’ve got a blue suede screw loose. What positive consequences could possibly occur when wearing mom jeans with so much Lycra they double as support hose? Hmmm…

· Getting asked out by the retired guy who bags my groceries?

· Having a Walgreen’s employee ask, “Can I help you find the incontinence section?”

· Mistakenly being offered the senior citizen discount at the movie theater?

· Wearing them for days since no one is interested in ripping them off me?

Mr. Jean Queen, I know it’s too late for you to rename your company, but did you consider Hot at Forty Jeans, MILF Jeans, or even Not Your Mom’s Jeans? I mean if you owned a company that specialized in denim for men over 40, would you name the jeans, My Fat Pants or Not Even Close to What I Used to Be? Or in order to showcase all that Lycra lift, would you have considered Rise and Shiners?

I didn’t think so.

Sincerely,

Liesl Testwuide

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