The Old Farmer's Almanac Says This Winter Is Going To Be A Sh*tshow

by Christina Marfice
Scott Olson/Getty

The Old Farmer’s Almanac has us reaching for our winter coats already

Back before there were iPhone weather apps or even TV meteorologists, people had another way to find out the forecast: The Old Farmer’s Almanac, a publication that was founded in 1792 to help farmers get an idea of what weather might impact the crop-growing season ahead. The Almanac is still kickin’ in 2019, and still making weather predictions, like it or not. And in the case of its predictions for the upcoming winter, chances are, you won’t like it.

Basically, this winter is gonna be a shitshow.

In a press release detailing all of its 2019-2020 winter predictions, the Almanac used such terrifying language as, “bone-chilling cold,” “7 major snowstorms predicted,” and “is this the winter that never ends?”

Is it just me, or is there a sudden chill in the air that wasn’t there before?

According to the publication’s predictions, tons of snow is going to be the feature that most stands out this winter, with at least seven major snowstorms happening throughout the season across the country. And for places where snow isn’t common, you can expect heavy rain, sleet, and just general ickiness. Lovely.

“This winter will be remembered for big chills and strong storms bringing a steady roofbeat of heavy rain and sleet, not to mention piles of snow,” the press release says. No thank you.

But that’s not all, because of course it’s not. In addition to above-average precipitation, we can expect this to be an extremely cold winter, with “frigid and frosty conditions” that last well into the springtime months for some parts of the country. Basically, don’t plan on putting your cold-weather clothes away until like, July.

“This could feel like the never-ending winter, particularly in the Midwest and east to the Ohio Valley and Appalachians, where wintery weather will last well into March and even through the first days of spring,” Almanac editor Janice Stillman said in the release.

You might be thinking to yourself, “What a perfect time to book a mid-winter trip to Hawaii!” LOL, think again. The Almanac notes that “even typically tropical Hawaii will feel the chill” with colder-than-average temperatures and tons of thunderstorms. Basically, winter is coming f*cking everywhere and there is no escape, so get yourself a cute new parka and buckle up.

What’s to blame for how freezing and un-ending this winter will be? Well, climate change is definitely a factor, especially when it comes to mega-storms that happen outside of the historically harsh winter months. So if you — like us — are not a fan of freezing for half the year, the solution is to elect politicians who stop treating Earth like a trash can.

Happy winter!