10 Things You Will Never Do Again Once You Become A Mom

by Jen Marx
Originally Published: 

Once upon a time, you were a well-rested person with disposable income and the opposite of “comfort shoes.”

Then, you got pregnant and were robbed of things like hot dogs, sushi, and alcohol. Some of those things get handed back to you, along with the world’s most perfect baby and a deflated mid section. But as your kid gets older, you lose things you didn’t know you had; things you used to take for granted and I’m not talking date nights, long showers, and pre-kid boobs because if having kids has taught me anything it’s that lowering your expectations is key. I’m talking about the little things, things you never knew you’d miss because no one told you that you might never do them again.

1. Eat dessert without sharing: Sometimes you want to use up four Weight Watcher points on an ice cream bar at 2pm and eat the whole damn thing.

2. Go somewhere with no purpose: Close your eyes and imagine saying, “Wanna go to the mall?” “Wanna drive over to that area and pick a place to eat?” Now, it’s basically a secret service itinerary and a bunch of questions whose answers draw complaints.

3. Have something—anything—nice: “We can’t having anything nice” is SO cliché, but SO true. Stainless steel fridges meant for a clean, modern look are covered in fingerprints and scratches from Hot Wheels. Once in a while you get ballsy and put out a “sacrificial lamp” but it gets broken and you resign yourself to rooms with soft, stained couches, doors with dents and décor full of padded corners, race car beds and baby gates.

4. Watch an infomercial: Not an infomercial that you are watching because you’re up in the middle of the night with a nursing or sick kid. An infomercial for something you don’t even want, not just something that you are pretending you don’t want, like say Hip Hop Abs.

5. Change your mind: People change their minds, kids change their minds all the time, but good luck changing your mind in front of a kid. What follows can be described as annoying at best and most likely a trial.

6. Finish a sentence you don’t have to repeat: Sometimes, when I’m trying to talk it’s so loud I can’t even hear my own voice. You too? Shocking! The ideal yet impossible scenario is: Think something, say it, and get an actual response.

7. “Just” do anything: Just get in the car, you know just go to it, open it, get in, sit down, shut up, whatever. Then just sit down for a minute or just make ONE phone call maybe just grab something to eat or just run to the store.

8. Talk to an adult: Sure you talk to adults now, but they consist of the kid’s doctors, teachers, friend’s Mom, people they’ve run into/over. What about running into a friend and shootin’ the shizz and, as an added bonus, hearing what they have to say without interrupting said adult to say, “Mommy is talking to Leslie” or “Take your mouth off of that.”

9. Have a sick day: A real life sick day, not just a day off work or a nap. The kind where you stay in your pjs, don’t do one thing for someone other than yourself, whine, sleep, catch Plinko on Price is Right, find a show you didn’t know existed, sick day.

10. Flip through a magazine: This will never happen though because magazines won’t exist by the time you would be able to do this. I suppose you can get a negative self-image from many mediums now but doing it in a magazine seems the most satisfying.

You may want to keep this as the beginning of your bucket list. I’m sure it will grow as your memory is used more for things you’d like to remember and less for who likes the green one and who likes the blue one.

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