I don’t know why we did it. We certainly didn’t need to. My husband and I are already freaked enough out about the coronavirus outbreak. Speed-walking around Target this week felt like living in a zombie apocalypse. There’s no goddamn toilet paper anywhere. Glenn Beck is hoping the elderly will eagerly grab the short stick and die for our economy. And hospital workers are making masks out of their kids’ plastic folder inserts because they’re painfully short on actual supplies.
The world is scary as fuck right now, so we didn’t have to make it worse for ourselves.
And yet, when Contagion not-so-innocently popped up on our Amazon Prime home screen, I just couldn’t resist. I looked over at my hubby, casually shrugged, and clicked “rent.” It’s been two hours since, and I’m curled up in fetal position like a terrified baby on my couch. Apparently, fictional movies about hypothetical viral outbreaks are the new documentaries of our current time. Please heed my advice – do not watch them, unless you want to torture yourself.
I don’t regret seeing Contagion, but it definitely made my chronic anxiety worse and didn’t comfort me in the slightest. I’m even more pissed at our current administration now and so fucking panicked about what’s to come. And because of that damn movie, I’m literally never going to stop washing my hands.
I want you all to learn from my mistakes, so here’s a roundup of all the pandemic-inspired entertainment out there that you probably shouldn’t be binge-watching today. I know most of you are going to recklessly ignore everything I say, and I honestly can’t blame you. Self-quarantine does some wacky shit to a person’s brain.
But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
A cute little monkey accidentally infects a small town with a virus, and Dustin Hoffman squares off against Morgan Freeman to save everyone. Special mentions go to Rene Russo for being a motherfucking badass who takes no shit, and that little girl who walks into her yard alone to unsuspectingly feed her dangerously contagious furry friend.
Filmed in 2019, this Netflix docuseries basically predicted that a virus like COVID-19 would wreak havoc on our world. If you want to live in a dreadful state of preparedness as the experts explain how to prevent and contain a global outbreak, then this is the show for you.
Two brothers and their lady friends go on a potentially deadly road trip to escape an infectious virus spreading across the world. This is a horror film with a delicious penchant for germ-filled terror, but you don’t have to worry about that too much because you won’t be watching it. (Right?) It also boasts some sexy heroism from Chris Pine and Piper Perabo.
Okay, so this one isn’t about a virus. But it is all about an unseen, violent force that is quickly killing everyone. You’ll never trust anyone again as you watch Sandra Bullock and her two young kids fighting for their lives with blindfolds on.
A news reporter follows a bunch of firefighters around for a routine house call. They have no fucking clue that lurking behind the front door is an old woman with rabies-like symptoms. Then the CDC shows up and quickly walls off the apartment building, leaving everyone stuck inside to deal with a rapidly spreading mutant virus. Check it out, only if you want to be reminded that getting stuck with your kids 24/7 in self-quarantine is no match for this kind of terrifying lockdown.
6. Cabin Fever
This 2016 remake of a cult horror classic follows a bunch of Generation Z teens to a remote woodland cabin, where a flesh-eating viral infection awaits them. A must watch for all the spring breakers out there still stupidly throwing coronavirus parties with the careless abandon of Joe Exotic running for governor of Oklahoma.
An unassuming man wakes up in a hospital only to discover that the vast majority of his city has been wiped out by a highly contagious virus that turns people into rage-filled zombies. This movie is not for the faint of heart, and it’s certainly not a good idea to watch right now unless you’re someone who secretly enjoys seeing what the world will look like after it’s ripped to shreds.
Julianne Moore is the only immune person in a city of victims who have become infected with a communicable disease that causes blindness. As more people lose their vision, the government creates a quarantined area within the confines of a derelict asylum. As the deplorable conditions in the asylum begin to mimic an ICE detention center, complete societal collapse occurs that only the remaining person with vision can save.
A deadly unknown infection has ravaged the world, leaving Joel Edgerton and his family isolated at an undisclosed location deep in the woods. Fear, grief, and some major paranoia sweep through the household as the group tries to stay alive. This bare-bones horror thriller is exactly what I hope will never happen to our society. But now that we’re living in a full-blown crisis, it doesn’t seem implausible.
And, of course …
This pandemic thriller is honestly the closest thing to what we are experiencing right now in the world, but on a much larger scale. I wonder if Steven Soderbergh knew we’d eventually be living out the plot when he directed this movie in 2011. “Contagion” has a star-studded cast, nuanced performances, and will make you so fucking freaked out that you’ll definitely stay at least six feet away from everyone else.
Well, there you have it. If I haven’t made it abundantly clear yet, you’ve officially been warned. Watch all of this shit at your own risk. And for the love of health, stay the fuck home.
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