‘The Parent Fantasy Hotline’ Gives Parents What They REALLY Want

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 

The ‘Parent Fantasy Hotline’ is a phone sex parody that will make you die laughing

With parenthood comes a deep, deep yearning for certain things you don’t get anymore. It’s a yearning that’s almost inexplicable. It’s a desire that is so all-consuming words fail you. Yes, parenthood changes the definition of “desire.”

Hamish and Andy are an Australian comedy duo. This week they turned their attention to new parents: specifically, the things new parents miss the most. The Parents Fantasy Hotline will fulfill your deepest desires — and make you die laughing. It’s phone sex… for parents who miss their freedom.

Hello? Parent Fantasy Hotline.

Sorry, I’ve never called one of these lines before so I’m a bit nervous. Umm… I just want you to… just tell me about your weekend.

Friday night I just went to the pub and caught up with some mates…

Oh yeah… Was this organized two weeks ahead or…

Oh no. Just got a text message and I went.

You just decided to go like, you didn’t have to get someone to come over to your house to look after things? You just…

I just got up and walked out.

Phone sex, new parent edition.

It’s funny because it’s true. A few months after the birth of my first child I was waitressing when I overheard a woman say to her boyfriend at the end of their meal:

“I don’t feel like going home yet. Wanna go to a movie?”

I was consumed with jealousy. Consumed.

The Parents Fantasy Hotline doesn’t exist. But it should.

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