7 Reasons Why I'm Not Having A Third Child

We run a man-to-man defense in our house—two kids, two parents.

Someone’s hitting? Dad takes the offender; Mom takes the victim. Neither one will go to sleep? Mom’s on soothing patrol; Dad cleans the kitchen.

We call it the divide and conquer-ish parenting method.

It may not be perfect, but as far as we’re concerned, we’ve got a pretty solid thing going. So that, along with the reasons listed below, is why we’ve decided not to introduce any more human variables into our little equation.

1. The Pinterest Situation

I’m not sure if you guys know this (because I definitely did not), but when presented with a meticulously crafted art activity, little children do not take their time. As such, to-date I have created nearly 932 art projects for my two boys. I believe the cumulative amount of time spent enjoying these labors of love was roughly 18 minutes.

2. The Crust Situation

During any given lunchtime in our home, there are three sandwich crusts to be eaten. If I have more children, that means I will eat more crusts. The more crusts I eat, the more time I have to spend thinking about going to the gym. The more time I spend thinking about going to the gym, the worse I feel about not actually going to the gym. It’s just easier not to eat any more crusts.

3.The Plane Situation

When we fly on one of our beloved Southwest aircrafts, the boys and I take up exactly one row of seats. Introduce another little bundle of joy into the mix and we’ve got a whole “Who has to sit with strangers?” kind of thing happening. And if I’m being completely honest, it’s just not going to be me—mostly because I’m the mom and I need to be close to the majority of my offspring, but also because if there’s turbulence, I want to squeeze the armrest and pretend like everything’s fine next to someone familiar, not Bert from Detroit.

4. The Birthday Situation

My boys have birthdays that are two days apart in March. This was specifically choreographed so that hand-me-downs would be seasonally appropriate, birthday parties could be consolidated, and my pregnancies would not peak at the height of a Tennessee summer. I could probably orchestrate this feat of ovulation acrobatics again if I wanted to, but a three-for-one birthday bash might be a little much, right?

5. The Diaper Situation

The littlest one has started showing some interest in putting things (pee, poop, the occasional Matchbox motorcycle) into the toilet. Now that I’ve caught a whiff of the end of Pampers, I just don’t think there’s any way I can look back. Sure, I’ll miss the smell of a freshly Desitin-ed bottom, but if I never have to play “Poop or Mustard Roulette” ever again, I think I could die a happy woman. But then again, there isn’t really anything funnier than watching your unsuspecting husband get hit in the chest with infant pee pee, because he forgot that tiny ones have really great aim.

6. The Accumulation Situation

I mean, where would we even put another kid’s stuff? Where would it go? And, for that matter, where is this kid going to sleep? We’d have to get another crib. Wouldn’t we? We’d definitely need some updated baby gadgets. Yes, for sure we would. But I don’t think I gave away all our baby goodies. I’ll run and go see if there’s still anything up in the attic.

7. The Um, the Um…Situation

What were we talking about again? Not having anymore kids? Oh yeah. No, definitely not. We are at capacity. No room at the inn. No more tantrums or sleepless nights. No more squishy little baby noses or long baby eyelashes. No more hushed lullabies during nighttime feedings or chubby legs in the Johnny Jump Up. And definitely no more first smiles, first steps or first words…

Shit.