There are many things that parents can do to piss off their children.
But which are the worst parenting missteps? What must parents do in order to be considered the “worst parents ever” by their offspring?
We have polled and interviewed millions of children ages 2 to 18 worldwide over the past three years. The data is out, and we can now give you the answers to these questions. This data will not only shock the hell out of you but also give you great insight as to why you just may be a horrible parent in the eyes of your children.
The polling statistics are extremely accurate with a ±1.9% margin of error.
In order to be deemed “the worst parent ever” by your children, you must follow some if not all of these six easy steps:
1. Force your toddler to eat what you have already prepared for dinner.
Because apparently, children worldwide freakin’ hate whatever you’ve spent the last two hours of your life cooking.
If you attempt to feed your child anything that doesn’t resemble a nugget of any kind, triangular crustless sandwiches (because crust is the devil’s food) or pizza, then you are well on your way to becoming the worst parent you can possibly be. You don’t care how that green bean gets into the child’s digestive system, but he may not get up from the table until it is inside his stomach. Eat the legume, child. Eat it now.
How dare you physically assault their mouths with anything green and unfried.
In the eyes of your child, you my friend, are an asshole.
2. Force your young child to wear pants when in public.
Our poll results tell us that a large percentage of young kids just want to be free and pantless. We don’t know why.
When your small terrorist refuses to wear pants outside of the home, you must force them into the pants any way possible. They need to be taught that they must wear pants in public in order to be accepted by society. They need to know that it’s one of the “rules” of life. Exposed genitalia is frowned upon and could even cost you a hefty fine, or jail time. Your children won’t understand or even care what you have to say. In their mind, you are a gross troll.
If trolls had a king, you would be Troll King.
My child’s reaction when I told him that he had to wear pants to Target. True story.
3. Don’t allow your elementary school-aged child to have their own personal cell phone.
Because every third-grader needs an iPhone to maintain their busy schedules. Spelling Bee: 6 p.m.
I know Lucy wants her own cell phone at the distinguished age of 8, but don’t you do it. You would be way too cool of a parent if you gave in and bought her an iPhone. Tell her that there is no reason for you to waste your hard-earned money on unnecessary texting. That’ll really piss her off, making you horrible parent status for sure.
Years down the road, Lucy probably won’t have any friends all because you deprived her of important conversations such as this:
It will be all your fault that she wasn’t nominated for Homecoming queen.
You suck so bad. I don’t even like you.
4. Don’t move to Los Angeles so your daughter can fulfill her dream of being the next Disney sensation.
According to our statistics, an astounding amount of preteen girls believe that they are undoubtedly the next Selena Gomez.
Your daughter, Kallie, doesn’t understand why the family can’t move to LA so she can get a talent agent and work on her YouTube videos. She just wants to be the next Justin Bieber internet discovery and you are keeping her from stardom. Don’t try to explain to her that you do have something called a job and that you need this job in order to feed her charming face. That would be entirely too much logic going into her preteen head at once. It just may kill her.
She just wants to sing, take selfies and get famous. Why, oh why must you be so wretched?
Please refer to yourself as “The Dream Killer.”
5. Make your kids do their homework.
It comes as no surprise that almost all children hate doing homework. There is always that one kid though, the kid who enjoys school, bringing the rate down to 99%.
You have some nerve forcing your children to do their homework every night.
And they have to sit at the table?! You unreasonable dictator. They just want to watch TV and play video games after school; they want to work no longer. They’ll tell you that they can finish it in homeroom before school starts. But you’re no fool; they will do their homework, and they’ll do it now.
And then you’ll check it. *gasp*
I don’t even know why you reproduced. You clearly hate your children for putting such pressure on them. Pressure to succeed in school. You monster.
6. Tell your child that they can’t participate in every expensive extracurricular activity known to mankind.
This poll has proven what we have been assuming all along. All kids hate being told they can’t do something that they really want to do.
Conner plays baseball, football and soccer, runs track, participates in weight-lifting competitions, and attempts to play basketball.
Unless Conner sells 72,852 coupon books and 56 rolls of wrapping paper, or you sell one of your automobiles and walk to work, then there is no way you can afford for him to participate in every activity offered at school. Maybe it’s time to point out to Conner that his dad is 5 feet 6 inches tall and professional basketball is probably not in his future. Let’s focus on other sports. Pick one or two activities, Conner.
Unfortunately, we all can’t be millionaires. Life sucks that way.
Holy crap. You truly are a disgusting parent.
Now you know where your parenting skills stand. If your kids are constantly hating on you for implementing rules and regulations throughout their lives, then you are probably doing an amazing job.
God bless this thing called parenthood.
Thank you to all the children who participated in this poll.