15 Buzzwords for the Pseudo-Crunchy Mom

by Crystal Lowery
Originally Published: 
A blonde, blue-eyed toddler, smiling, with his four teeth growing

Some women intend to be crunchy-mommas, while others just fall into it because it works. I find myself in the latter category. If you’re like me, you nod your head when other parents use certain buzzwords, but for an entirely different reason than a truly crunchy mom would:

1. Baby wearing: You’re too lazy to set up the double stroller, so you put your toddler in the umbrella push-chair, cram your baby into a Bjorn and call it a day.

2. Baby-led weaning: You can’t be bothered to purée vegetables.

3. Co-sleeping: You won’t train the younger baby to sleep on her own because your two-year-old is easily disturbed by noise and wouldn’t tolerate cry-it-out from his sister.

4. Sensory box: A giant tupperware filled with dried foods that seemed like a great idea on Pinterest. Rogue lentils from said box will hide themselves in the nooks and crannies of your home until the nuclear apocalypse, wherein they’ll be the foodstuffs for cockroaches long after the human race ceases to exist.

5. Water table: Actually a bird bath that came with your house.

6. Extended breast feeding: Baby has created a wicked sleep association with your nipples…see #3.

7. Free play: It is raining. They’ve already watched more TV than you want to admit. Let’s see what they can do with the tubing from your breast pump, a funnel, and an old calculator.

8. Child-led play: Aka “mommy doesn’t feel like entertaining you right now”.

9. Recycling: Hand-me-downs are the only way to keep your children clothed since every gift you got was for a 0-3 month-old infant and your gigantic sumo-babies outgrew them the day after you came home from the hospital. So what if your little girl’s shirt sports a green dump truck? She’s only going to cover it with food anyway…see #2.

10. Instagram: A site where you post pictures of your toddler’s avocado/blueberry/free-range-egg breakfast, but not his shortbread/juicebox/leftover-pizza lunch.

11. Home preschool co-op: Really a glorified playgroup and the only time you interact with other adults. Someone’s kid is always screaming. You feel superior when it is not yours (must have been those breakfast blueberries), and you make up excuses when it is (“Timmy is teething”, “June has separation anxiety”).

12. Natural immunity-building: Yep, your 6-month-old just found a cheerio on the floor. The microbes are good for her, even if the refined-carb-gluten-ridden-franken-food isn’t.

13. Demand feeding: She’s crying? Give her the boob. The boob has magical powers.

14. Repurposing: You forgot to throw away that last Amazon box and now your toddler thinks it is a toy.

15. Cloth-diapering: You know what? Those real crunchies can have cloth diapering all to themselves.

Next time a hippie supermom invites you to a chicken pox party, or gives you a kumbacha starter, you can smile with dignity, knowing you’re not the only pseudo-crunchy mom out there.

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