5 Ways To Shock The Shit Out of Your Husband

Remember when a title like this would mean different sexual positions or, at the very least, a risqué email? Ha ha. (Wiping eyes.) Anyway, since you’re always telling your best friend that you’re on the verge of mental collapse, wouldn’t it be funny to make your husband wonder if you’ve finally just gone off the deep end? Here are five things you can say to get your husband’s pulse racing a little quicker and remind him just how quick-witted and unpredictable you can be…

1. “We’re going to homeschool.” There are people who can homeschool like champs. You are not one of them. Patience wasn’t one of the virtues you were granted, although a weird sense of humor is. Leave a stack of paleontology and Greek mythology books on the counter and tell your husband you’re quitting work and homeschooling the kids starting tomorrow. Get one of the kids to videotape his face as he tries to tactfully tell you this is a horrible idea.

2. “Sometimes I wonder if we should invite your mom to live with us.” This question will certainly make your husband’s pulse quicken as he wonders if you’ve taken leave of your senses, found God, or are setting a horrible marital trap. Then when you say, “…And then I remembered your mom and I would murder each other inside of a week,” he’ll relax again. But that frisson of excitement will stay with him all day!

3. “You’re right, I spend too much money!” Create a budget in Excel. Account for every penny. Start making homemade cappuccinos instead of going to Starbucks. Refuse to let your husband buy new socks. “Mend” the ripped ones, with actual needle and thread (before starting this project, purchase actual needle and thread. No, I don’t know where those are sold. The dry goods shop in the village square?). Tell him your birth control pills are too much of a drain on finances so you should “just see what happens” about a fourth kid. Talk about spontaneity!

4. “I told your boss’s wife that you work too hard and need a raise.” He wants you to make friends with her and you always say no. Make his heart race by telling him that you finally met that old bag for coffee and gave her a real piece of your mind about how hard that slavedriver, aka her husband, makes your husband work. Ho ho! Funny. What, he didn’t think so?

5. “My sister and I are going to Vegas for a week.” He’s always saying you should be more laid back and less Type A. Tell him he’s right and you’ll be gone for a week on a whim. You’re not going to stress about childcare, but you’re sure he can come up with something for that night he has to travel for work. He’ll really get a chuckle out of this ruse after his blood pressure goes back down!

Remember, there’s nothing worse than a boring marriage! Use these exciting tricks to boost the drama in your life and your husband will thank you. Not directly, but whatever.

Related post: 5 Thoughts I Have When My Husband Is Running Late