50 Shades of Breastfeeding: Every Nursing Mother's Painful Secret

by Sarah Coulter-Gremley and Lily Read
Originally Published: 
A baby sitting beside a pair of women's legs adorned with sleek black heels.

As I sat getting smacked in the face repeatedly by my adorable baby, it became clear to me that I’m not only breastfeeding, but I’m also somehow engaged in an involuntary BDSM relationship. If you’ve ever nursed, these probably sound frighteningly familiar…

1. The Boob Spank: When your baby slaps your breasts — preferably as public humiliation at church or the grocery store — when you don’t submit your boob quickly enough.

2. The Leg Bruiser: When your little muffin of love wants to stand up and nurse while digging toes you previously thought adorable so deep into your thighs they look like a week old banana.

3. The Acrobat face chops: This move combines mobility with the extreme bendable quality of infancy. Possible variations are the roundhouse kick to the nose while maintaining suction, and the swift kick to the ear right while breaking the latch.

4. “I-Cant-Believe-They’re-Not-Knives” Play: Tiny fingernails act as small machetes digging into your chest. This torture is especially concentrated on the thinnest skin of your nipple for maximum “Ow! Fuck!!”

5. The Tantric nurser: The tantric nurser cares not for your cracked nipples from endless hours of nursing. They care not for your aching back from the never ending need for boob. This exquisite form of torture calls for Netflix and nipple cream.

6. The “Hickey”: Too eager to wait for the nipple, baby smashes his head into any part of your chest and nurses like you’ve suddenly grown a third nipple. The marks last for days.

7. The Nipple Clamp: In lieu of normal suckling, baby decides to see if its possible to suck your lung out through your chest. When you break latch, he cries and boob spanks you for non-compliance.

8. The Head-Butt: A classic move designed to ensure your rapid compliance with providing the boob. Baby quickly slams their head towards your breast, sometimes with alarming force. This rookie-training move will often be repeated multiple times until mom is able to jump the gun and provide the breast before it becomes necessary. Excellent for training purposes.

9. The Refusal: This move is only attempted by older infants who have established dominance. The ability to drive mommy to a meltdown or spray her milk everywhere simply by refusing to nurse? That is called power.

10. The Biter: Self Explanatory. Baby will cry with faked remorse when you yell CHEESUS FUCK! into the night and then do it again immediately to condition you to the pain.

Stay safe, mamas.

Related post: 15 Things That Suck About Breastfeeding

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