A Study Found That Many Kids Don’t Realize They Are Being Bullied, But They Still Feel The Impact

A new study conducted by Ireland’s Economic & Social Research Institute found that while bullying remained a pretty ubiquitous experience for teens, most of them chose not to tell an adult. Why not? Well, most of the time they didn’t perceive what was being done to them as bullying, so when asked if they’d ever been bullied, they’d naturally say no. As parents, we always worry the classroom bully will hone in on our child, but in truth, bullying behaviors can come from any friend or classmate (or even adults) and it’s not always as easy to spot bullying as just finding the kid who pushes everyone else around. Here’s how we should be teaching our kids about bullying, all the forms it can take, and how to talk to them about it, according to experts.

What The Study Found

It’s a massive report, but these findings are the ones parents will want to know most:

• 41% of 9-year-olds reported they had been picked on by an adult or child, with the most commonly reported behaviors being called names or being excluded. One in six of them had experienced physical bullying, like being pushed, while only 4% had been bullied via text, email, or written note.
• 8% of the 13-year-olds reported having been bullied in the previous three months, although those who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or questioning were “significantly more likely to be bullied, with a difference of 6 percentage points from their heterosexual peers.” Other children more likely to report being bullied included children in larger bodies or with disabilities. Those who had more close friends were less likely to be bullied while those with a network of older friends were more likely to be bullied.
• When the question of “Have you been bulied in the last three months?” was rephrased to include examples — like being hit, left out, or called names — 62% of 13-year-olds answered yes, with 37% saying it occurred repeatedly.
• One in four 13-year-olds did not report the bullying to a teacher or caregiver.

In an editorial for the Irish Examiner, child psychotherapist Colman Noctor says in his experience, many kids feel the impact of this bullying even without realizing that’s what’s happening, making it extremely difficult for them to identify why they’re feeling sad, angry, or isolated. Age may also factor into why the teens stayed silent more often than the 9-year-olds — it’s possible they feared being seen as weak, or being isolated for telling an adult.

What Child Psychology Experts Say Parents Should Do

While this study was done in Ireland, it’s not a stretch for American parents and child psychologists to relate the findings to their own experiences. So, how do we need to change how we talk to our kids about bullying? How do we get them to speak up when they need us?

Define bullying clearly and provide examples.

In movies and on TV, we’re used to seeing a big kid grab a smaller one, hold him up against a wall by his shirt, and demand his lunch money. That’s a much rarer version of bullying in real life.

"The simplest way to explain bullying is this: it’s when someone keeps treating you in a mean, unkind, or hurtful way on purpose, and it doesn’t stop when you ask them to,” says licensed psychotherapist Amber Young, founder of Cope & Calm Counseling. “For younger kids, I might say, ‘Bullying is when someone keeps making you feel bad about yourself on purpose.’ With older kids and teens, I’ll add that it can be physical, like pushing or hitting, but it can also be emotional, social, or digital — like spreading rumors, excluding someone, or sending nasty messages online. The key is that it’s repeated, and it makes you feel unsafe or unwelcome.”

This sentiment was echoed by Dr. Kathryn Steele, a school psychologist for VocoVision, which provides telehealth therapy services in schools. “I typically explain to them that bullying is when one intentionally tries to harm, frighten, or manipulate someone else on a regular basis—whether in real life, via the internet, or even by excluding them. While older children can comprehend the idea that it encompasses social, mental, or online actions, I may reduce it for younger children to ‘when somebody keeps being mean to you, even after you ask them to stop.’”

Some examples of bullying behaviors include:

• Being called names
• Being excluded on purpose — from games, group chats, hangouts, or seating arrangements at lunch
• Being isolated, like one friend telling others in the group not to be friends with one child in particular
• Cyberbullying, when other kids use texting, apps, or online connections to say or post harmful things
• Having rumors spread about you or being gossiped about
• Getting criticized for things you post online
• Getting hit, pushed, kicked, or anything physical (including having belongings stolen or broken)

Both Young and Steele say cyberbullying and social exclusion are the forms of bullying they see most in their practices. “And because those forms are quieter, kids don’t always realize they ‘count’ as bullying,” Young says.

Don’t ask, “Are you being bullied?” Ask about your child’s day.

As we now know, kids don’t always know when their experiences count as bullying. Plus, it’s got a serious connotation — they may think what they’re going to just doesn’t meet the threshold. Instead, Young says to ask specific, open-ended questions like:

• “Who did you sit with at lunch today?”
• “Have you ever noticed people leaving you out of group chats or games?”
• “What happens online when you post something — do people respond kindly?”
• “Has anyone ever told you not to hang out with certain people, or told others not to hang out with you?”

“Approach it with curiosity, not interrogation,” she says. “Kids are more likely to share if they feel safe, not judged, and know you won’t jump to fixing it without listening first. Sometimes just naming that exclusion or mean comments are forms of bullying helps a child recognize their own experiences and feel less alone.”

Don’t wait to get involved.

It’s important for parents to know that bullying can escalate, Young says. “When mistreatment becomes ongoing harassment—especially if it involves threats of physical or sexual harm—it is no longer just a school matter, but a criminal one. If your child feels unsafe or has received such threats, inform the school right away and let them know you are considering taking further action. That makes it clear that safety is the priority, and it ensures the situation is documented on both the school and legal levels.”

Finding out your child is being bullied or is the bully is every parent’s worst fear. But with a little reframing on how your family thinks about bullying can help catch unkind behaviors earlier so you can set things straight.