Ain’t No Mom Got Time For That

by Marnie Brodersen
Originally Published: 
A girl in a dark-pink and light-pink striped house cape with hair yellow hair rollers drinking from ...

Sweet Brown captivated the nation – nay, the world – when she burst onto the viral video scene with her signature phrase, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” If you’re like me, you think of that phrase several times a day during the daily grind that is parenting. So, for shits and giggles, I give you 30 ways ain’t no mom got time for that:

1. Washing hands while singing “Happy Birthday” twice. Really? By the time I’ve gotten through a few words, my child is already down aisle 12 at Target.

2. Shopping. Gone are the days of wandering the aisles, searching for the perfect dress. One word:

3. Bikram – 90 minutes for sweaty yoga? I think not.

4. Blow-drying the back of your hair. No one really looks back there anyway, do they?

5. Clipping your children’s nails. Until they come out with a bloody scratch on their faces, ain’t nobody got time for that.

6. Massages. Le sigh.

7. Going to Costco on a holiday. Nope. Just nope.

8. Oil changes. Is the light on yet? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

9. Socks. Is there anything that takes longer than getting socks on a young person?

10. Speeding tickets. There’s a reason we were speeding in the first place, k?

11. Trying on clothes (see former comment re: shopping).

12. Small talk at school. Really, just small talk in any form. Got a point? Get to it.

13. Getting sick. Moms can’t get sick. Ain’t nobody got time for puking and/or diarrhea.

14. TV-watching while lounging on the couch. TV-watching while folding laundry and packing lunches? Now that’s a whole different story.

15. Hangovers. Children wait for no hangover. “Milk NOW, Mommy!”

16. Drama. We may have been drawn to that at one point but, once you pop out those kids, ain’t nobody got time for that.

17. Anything that starts with “gourmet” or ends with “from scratch.”

18. Sewing. Home-economics failed most of us and, besides, ain’t nobody got time for that. It’s called the dry cleaners, people.

19. Cleaning out your car. Really – what’s the point?

20. Putting together photo albums. We’ll take pictures all day long but doing something with them? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

21. Makeup. Just so we can take that shit off later? Puhlease.

22. Waxing. Of course, most of us get it done here and there but we’ve all had that moment when we’ve looked in the rearview mirror and saw a chin hair that could be donated to Locks of Love.

23. Teacher conferences … in preschool. Really? He’s great with crayons? You don’t say! I’ll look into Ivy League schools as soon as I get home. (Sarcasm, on the other hand? We always have time for that.)

24. Marathon training. A 3-hour practice run on the weekends … when we could be sleeping? WTF?

25. Bento boxes. Ain’t nobody got time for compartments.

26. Jury duty. There should be an excuse that you can check that simply says, “I’m a mom.”

27. Car trouble. This is akin to death. Seriously, just shoot me.

28. Phone trouble. Sadly, most of us would rather probably have the car trouble.

29. Boo-boos. When they’re really little, we fuss and fuss over boo-boos. After a few years it’s, “Here’s a Band-Aid, kid. Go nuts.”

30. Sex. ‘Nuff said.

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