Ask Scary Mommy: How Do I Balance “It’s Safe to Tell Me” With Consequences?

Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).

This week, we are talking about another tough subject: rules for teenagers. Specifically, what if you want to keep the lanes of communication wide open during such a critical time for your kid, but you also want to keep an established set of rules and consequences? This is incredibly tough. Here we go.

Dear Scary Mommy,

I have a 16-year-old teenaged girl, and I am really torn! I fear for her safety above all else, and I want her to know that she can always, always, always call me if she needs a sober ride home or if she finds herself in a bad situation. Even if she’s been drinking, even if she’s out past curfew, even if she’s breaking every rule in the book. Her health and her life are more important than anything, and she should never feel scared of the consequences if she needs me to bail her out of a dangerous scenario.

At the same time... I don’t want this to be a free pass for her. I don’t want her to think getting drunk, or smoking pot, or having sex, or staying out all night is okay. How do I send those mixed messages: I want you to follow the rules, but if you break the rules it’s okay??

— Mixed Up Mommy

Dear Mixed Up Mommy,

I have a very straightforward answer to this: you cannot implement consequences at all if you want your teen to call you when she is in trouble. Because then she won’t call you. If you give her that “get out of jail free” card to call you at any time to help her, you have to help her and not freak out about the situation she put herself in.

Let me explain: The teen brain is not fully developed, and it can work in mysterious ways. One issue is that they literally can’t assess risk like mature adults. Another is that they are also wired to listen to other teens over their parents and to try novel things. These are all good things that help teens become independent, learn when to take risks, and discover who they are.

Unfortunately, it’s also a big reason that teens are notorious for trying illegal substances, making risky choices, speeding in cars, and driving drunk.

In a teen’s brain, with their still-developing prefrontal cortexes, it’s also hard for them to understand consequences. That means that your teen might not fully understand that it could be literally deadly to get into a car with a drunk driver, but that they do deeply understand and fear getting grounded or getting their phone taken away for a week.

If they think they might suffer a poor consequence at home, they won’t call you to avoid the novel poor consequence that they’re confronted with away from home.

Here’s what I suggest: Tell your daughter the same thing you told me in your first paragraph: she can absolutely always call you when she’s in trouble, no matter what, no questions asked.

And then tell her this: if she calls you, she will not get in any kind of trouble. She won’t get yelled at, she won’t get grounded, she won’t get follow-up questions, she won’t even get judgement. You will say, “Thanks for calling me, that was a good decision,” and that will be the end of it.

Obviously, if you catch your daughter breaking house rules when she did not call you as a last resort to get to safety, there can and should be consequences. But if she presses the magic eject button when she needs help, those consequences need to be erased.

Yes, I know that a kid could take advantage of this loophole and start calling you at 3 a.m. every weekend to get picked up smashed from a party. But I really doubt that this will happen. Your kid doesn’t want to call you if they don’t have to. If they are dialing your number or drop you a text to you while getting into trouble, they aren’t taking advantage of you. They really need their mom. And that’s okay.

Parenting a teen is about building trust, being consistent, and communicating clearly. If you drive your kid home from a party they shouldn’t have been at and stick to your word that they won’t get punished for being there, you are establishing a trusting relationship that keeps them safe and that will last a lifetime.

— Scary Mommy

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If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!