Can You Stop Your Eldest Daughter From *Being* An Eldest Daughter?

I love talking about birth order. I love being able to guess if someone is a middle or a youngest, if they’re the eldest daughter or just the eldest child — it’s fascinating. Stereotypes about birth order are stereotypes for a reason, and some have been grounded in truth for so long, it just feels like a given that all middle children are a little sensitive. (As a middle child, I’m allowed to say that.)

But if there’s one birth order stereotype I wonder about the most, it’s the eldest daughter trope. I have three daughters, and while I assumed most eldest daughters of the family are bred that way by Type-A moms, it seems my own eldest daughter — who is most definitely not being raised by a Type-A mom — has already taken on some of the classic characteristics.

Like when she sees me attempting a DIY project and asks for my phone so she can prepare to dial 911. Or when she says “be careful” more to the toddler than I do. Or when we were at a neighbor’s party once and her little sister was hiding and she burst into tears because she thought she’d lost her own sister and she had potentially been kidnapped and it was all her fault.

But can I stop my eldest daughter from being an eldest daughter?

“The eldest daughter stereotype is the confluence of age and gender expectations,” says licensed psychotherapist Ciara Bogdanovic, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy. “It is a result of cultural expectations of women as natural caretakers and homemakers. Even when she’s not literally the first child, the eldest girl often gets cast as the reliable one, the helper, the organizer, the second parent. Families rarely assign these roles to eldest sons in the same way. That’s less about biology and more about how society conditions girls to take responsibility and nurture.”

I love talking about birth order. I love being able to guess if someone is a middle or a youngest, if they’re the eldest daughter or just the eldest child — it’s fascinating. Stereotypes about birth order are stereotypes for a reason, and some have been grounded in truth for so long that it just feels like a given that all middle children are a little sensitive. (As a middle child, I’m allowed to say that.)

But if there’s one birth order stereotype I wonder about the most, it’s the eldest daughter trope. I have three daughters, and while I assumed most eldest daughters of the family are bred that way by Type-A moms, it seems my own eldest daughter — who is most definitely not being raised by a Type-A mom — has already taken on some of the classic characteristics.

Like when she sees me attempting a DIY project and asks for my phone so she can prepare to dial 911. Or when she says “be careful” more to the toddler than I do. Or when we were at a neighbor’s party once and her little sister was hiding, and she burst into tears because she thought she’d lost her own sister and she had potentially been kidnapped and it was all her fault.

But can I stop my eldest daughter from being an eldest daughter?

“The eldest daughter stereotype is the confluence of age and gender expectations,” says licensed psychotherapist Ciara Bogdanovic, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy. “It is a result of cultural expectations of women as natural caretakers and homemakers. Even when she’s not literally the first child, the eldest girl often gets cast as the reliable one, the helper, the organizer, the second parent. Families rarely assign these roles to eldest sons in the same way. That’s less about biology and more about how society conditions girls to take responsibility and nurture.”

So yeah, fam. This one’s on us.

Bogdanovic says that if you want to prevent your own eldest daughter from feeling the pressure (yes, I’m listening), then we have to observe our own assumptions and biases. “Ask yourself if you’re treating your eldest daughter different than your other children, and if you’re placing expectations on her that outweigh the responsibilities placed on your other children.” She says you should also make sure not to delegate adult responsibilities to your eldest daughter because you expect her to be capable and the leader of her siblings.

Now, obviously, an eldest child is going to have more responsibilities than a younger child, but Bogdanovic says you need to then just assign age-appropriate and equal chores and responsibilities to all of your children. “Seek caretaking and household support from other adults in your life, like family members, neighbors, teachers, and babysitters, rather than leaning on your eldest daughter. Recognize that she is living her one and only childhood and honor that.”

(For the record, I did not ask her to keep an eye on her sister at that neighbor’s party. She just assumed she had to... which might be my fault.)

And if you find that you have an eldest daughter who seems naturally inclined to be a leader and take charge, there’s a way to foster that without giving too much pressure. “Leadership is an incredible skill worth nurturing, but not capitalizing on,” says Bogdanovic. “Leadership does not mean self-sacrifice. Observe what brings your daughter joy and what causes frustration and resistance. That gives clues to whether she is leading from passion or pressure.”

She also emphasizes that a valuable lesson when it comes to being a leader is ensuring your daughter knows she doesn’t have to put others’ needs above her own. You should also check in often on what she needs and listen to her concerns.

“She doesn’t need to carry everyone’s burdens and ‘hold it all together.’ Teach your other children to take care of their own needs as well, so it does not all land on one person to carry the burden,” Bogdanovic adds. “Validate her choices and desires and don’t override her desires for the desires of your other children.”

Sometimes being the big sibling means feeling like you have to give up certain things for the good of the family, but honoring that narrative by making it equal across the board — like younger siblings not being allowed to do something they want if it interferes with your eldest daughter’s schedule in a negative way, etc. — can help create a family dynamic where nobody feels burdened or left out and everybody knows to pitch in equally.

We may not be able to stop our eldest daughters from feeling like the leaders of the family or from their natural take-charge attitudes, but we can help foster their light so it never feels like it’s burning out.

They, 100%, are still going to act like you don’t know how to take care of their little siblings when they leave for college, though.