Child Experts Reveal How They Handle Their Own Kids' Meltdowns

Meltdowns. We've all had 'em. We've all experienced them with our children. In the moment, it can feel like nothing can help calm the storm. But instead of viewing meltdowns as just random moments of chaos, they can be a beautiful way to help our children navigate big feelings.

What exactly constitutes a meltdown? As Lorain Moorehead, an individual and family therapist, explains, a meltdown is, on some level, a child’s expression of their opinion or preference. "Their body is dysregulated either because of their real or perceived need not being met, and they are communicating it with the tools they have available in the moment, which in the case of a meltdown might be tears, volume, or other means to return to a state of control," she says.

First, you should know that a meltdown can actually be a good thing — hear me out. "Meltdowns are how children communicate with us; they tell us that our child is overwhelmed, can't process, and just needs to release it the only way they know how," says Laura Todd, certified perinatal and early childhood mental health therapist.

Below, Moorehead, Todd, and other child experts reveal how they personally handle meltdowns with their little ones.

1. They get curious.

For you, a meltdown can seem irrational and random, but for kids, there's always a reason they're happening. "When my kid is melting down, I get curious about the function the behavior is serving: Is he trying to escape a hard situation? Is he trying to gain access to something he really wants? Is it a bid for my attention?" says Katie Lear, a licensed clinical mental health counselor. "You might discover that even though the day-to-day triggers are different, the underlying function of the meltdown remains the same. That's good information to know about your child so you can help them meet the needs in a more helpful way."

2. They give their child (and themselves) space.

As Todd explains, sometimes stepping in right away can actually increase the intensity of the meltdown because it may be perceived as threatening. "When children are melting down, they cannot process or understand language," she says. "Giving space, but staying present, gives you time as the parent to get regulated — then, you can start to co-regulate your child from a place of calm."

3. They know when to comfort versus set a firm boundary.

It can be hard knowing which situation merits comfort versus setting a boundary. For Lear, it's all about being mindful of what factors might be making it harder for her child to cope in a given moment. "If I know my child gets triggered by busy crowds and new situations, I'll be more likely to give in to his demand to be carried when we're at an amusement park than I would if we were running errands in the neighborhood," she says.

For Todd, it depends on the underlying emotion that triggered the meltdown. "If the meltdown is an expression of sadness, frustration, or anger, then I will provide comfort and calm. If it's in reaction to wanting something that I have already created a boundary for, then I continue to set the firm boundary," she says.

4. They encourage verbal expression of desires.

Moorehead finds ways to allow her child to dial into her feelings and desires before a meltdown occurs. "Some common meltdowns happen when a building or craft wouldn’t turn out the way my child imagined it. I found that taking a break would allow my child to more clearly express the outcome that she wanted," she says. This expression taught her daughter that she's "able to access a version of what she wants if she's able to clearly and kindly express the need, whereas we are often unable to access our want if we are screaming or causing harm."

5. They know it’s OK to adjust their methods depending on the setting.

Meltdowns at home versus in public can look a little different — even for child experts. "At home, I can easily place my child in a safe place, such as his bed or calming corner, to help provide containment and create an environment of calm. I can also hold my boundaries more firmly because I can wait out the meltdown," says Todd. "In public, it's harder to create a calming environment and hold boundaries, so I might use more tools such as redirection and distraction to manage the meltdown."

Lear tries to stay consistent with how she manages meltdowns at home versus in public, but notes that she does sometimes give in to a demand to keep the peace if she's in a place that isn't conducive to 15 minutes of screaming... and that's OK.

6. They keep an emotional weather forecast.

"A poor night's sleep, a skipped snack, or even recent changes in routine like a move to a new daycare could all be contributing factors to a meltdown," says Lear. "Rather than just looking for cues in my child's behavior, I try to keep the events of the full day in mind as a sort of 'emotional weather forecast' that helps me predict how my child will be likely to respond to stressors when they arise." Over time, noticing these patterns can help you prevent meltdowns before they start and respond with more patience when they do occur.

7. They prepare the child for high-risk situations.

Say you're visiting a store and anticipate your child will want you to buy a toy. Todd believes in providing clear expectations to decrease the chances of a meltdown (or avoid them altogether because the child is already prepared for what is to come). "If we already establish that we aren't going to the store to buy a toy, then my child doesn't ask the question and we avoid the meltdown when I say 'no,'" she says.

8. They pre-plan a calm-down area.

For Lear, whose child has a hard time transitioning away from fun activities (like TV or Magna-Tiles) to less-fun activities (like bath time or bedtime), meltdowns are made more manageable when there's a calm-down area.

In an instance where she had to turn off the TV, which triggered lots of throwing, yelling, and angry words, Lear didn't try to explain her rationale for turning off the TV, offer solutions to the problem, or remind her son that they'd agreed to five more minutes 10 minutes ago. "Instead, I encouraged him to go to his 'mad spot' to show me how mad he is feeling: We picked a calm-down area in his room to use for this purpose, and this worked really well," she says.

"I find kids aren't always self-motivated to use coping skills to self-soothe, but they are motivated to make sure we understand how upset they are. As soon as we were physically separated, things calmed down very quickly."