Confession: I Hate My Kid's Best Friend

I've always wanted to be the mom my kid’s friends call “Mama.” The kind of loving and trusted adult that even kids who don’t belong to me feel secure coming to with tea or for advice. Not necessarily the “cool mom,” but definitely the reliable one. And then my daughter met Isabel. And, truthfully, I just can’t stand her... or her family.

Before the girls became super close, Isabel seemed like the perfect friend for my daughter (we’ll call her Clementine). They’re both social butterflies with big personalities and similar obsessions. Isabel invited Clementine everywhere, and we gladly accepted. We live in a neighborhood with no other kids Clem’s age, so we were pumped when she bonded so fiercely with Isabel.

Let me preface this by saying that Isabel is a pretty good kid.

When I was growing up, I had a collection of best friends who lit things on fire, snuck out of their house, threw every glass bottle they found, regularly treated themselves to five-finger discounts. Isabel is not that kind of friend. She does, however, come with her own set of “issues.”

For starters, Isabel inhabits a world wildly different from ours. She lives with her grandparents in an affluent neighborhood outside of our school district. They’re fairly “cool” and nice enough, minus Nana’s RBF. Their neighborhood has a great pool and bonkers trick-or-treating. They love Isabel intensely and tolerate my kid pretty well. They’re also active members of the greater city area, which I truly admire about them.

Still, there are just so many hurdles we can’t seem to leap over when we have to parent together at playdates. Even in areas where we share ideals, their approach is very different from mine.

Like their granddaughter, they’re very social, so they love to invite us to major community events. While I appreciate their spirit, big events are hard for me for numerous physical and mental health reasons. I’ve tried to explain that without going into too much detail, but it’s just not clicking in their boomer brains. I’ve had to say “no” to many invites and not mention them to my kid... only for them to bring it up at drop-off or pick-up days later.

Besides, I often feel like we’re invited so they can beef up the numbers at their events, not because they actually want either of us there. Although maybe that last one is just something I need to investigate with my therapist.

Another issue with Isabel? She’s a popular girl. While Clementine calls Isabel her best friend, it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. Isabel often ditches Clem at recess so she can hang out with other girls and never seems to invite my kid along.

And this might just be most 8-year-olds, but Isabel has called Clem multiple times just to say she meant to call a different friend and rush to get off the phone. Listen, I’m happy not to have my daughter usurp my phone for an hour, but I’d much rather skip scrolling for a while than watch my babe’s face go from lit up and excited to talk to her bestie to crumpled and defeated because Isabel is choosing someone else.

The family also often makes (positive) assumptions about our finances that seem irrelevant but are simply rude. Isabel’s most recent birthday party was huge: four generations of family and about 20 different friends from their last few years of school. Clementine? Well, she invited Isabel out for after-school smoothies. “Is this the only party you’re having? Remember how big mine was?” Yes, thanks, Is. But our family is one-tenth the size of yours, and I can’t afford to take dozens of people to the trampoline park like your grandparents can.

Isabel is also uncontrollable. I don’t do so well trying to keep a third grader in line when I’m chaperoning a field trip and she’s inevitably on my team. She seems to have absolutely no rules at home, meaning when I give the girls a simple boundary, Isabel is quick to push back or toe the line.

Clementine is a marshmallow, easily melted... and it’s usually Isabel lighting the fire.

Most of us have been Clementine, right? I know I certainly have. It’s just part of growing up and going through life. You’re not always going to be the favorite friend, the preferred pal. Many of us have also probably been Isabel, with too many friends and not enough time. Even so, I thought all this would come later — I don’t remember these big feelings until middle and high school.

And I don’t witness these issues with Clem’s other friends. This all feels specific to Isabel, her personality, and her grown-ups. She’s nice enough. I don’t want them to not be friends at all. But, damn, can’t Clementine bond with a nicer, chiller girl instead?