Enough With The Freaking Snack Bags!

by Alyson Herzig
Originally Published: 
Curly haired boy all messy from eating snacks

This post will undoubtedly get me on some ‘She Never Should Have Had Kids’ list, but something needs to be said, and I am more than happy to be the one to say it. I am willing to take the heat for a very important topic that needs to be addressed: The fucking after competition/sporting event snack bag. This is scourge of all normal parents.

Please lord, tell me WHY little Susye MUST have a snack after she has played an hour of soccer? Is she gonna starve to death? Did she burn 10,000 calories picking up the dandelions on the field instead of actually participating? Do I need another thing to buy, divide, decorate, and distribute to kids that are not my own? Or maybe I just need another way to shit out an extra $30?

Every sporting activity my kids have done has a rotation which requires each parent to bring a snack and drink for the players. I would get it if they were playing in a tournament for hours, missing a meal. But I’m not talking about that. No, I’m referencing the basketball game on Saturday morning that lasts 45 minutes – snack required. Or the hour-long soccer game – snack required. Little Jacksin’s hockey game that takes an hour – snack required, or Rebekah’s t-ball game which is over in five innings – snack required. There is zero need for these kids to get a snack for an activity that takes as long as watching two cartoons. Shit, when they are younger the entire roster gets a chance to play, so it’s not like your Super Star is out there 100% of the time – but even if they were…they do not need a fucking snack.

And then there are the snack requirements. They must be healthy (like any kid wants to bite into the fresh apple you brought) and allergen free (I totally get this so don’t think I am picking on the allergy kids). No kid wants a cheese stick when he’s done shooting hoops. And don’t forget your snack bag masterpiece is being critiqued as well, not just by the parents, but by the kids.

I have witnessed children scoffing at the carefully prepared healthy snack a parent brings because it is ‘Gross’! Seriously, that kid needs to have her snack taken from her and be pointed to the water fountain instead.

I can’t help but wonder who started this shit? And please tell me WHY? Can little Bobbye not make it through the game without knowing that there is a special bag of healthiness he will undoubtedly throw away?

And DON’T get me started on the gift bags at major competition events. My daughter does gymnastics, and this year we incorporated a snack bag for the girls after their meets. Full disclosure, their meets are normally about four hours long and they miss a meal during the events. I fully endorse plying them with something to nibble on while they wait the hour for the award ceremony to finish. You know where Ellah gets her fourth first place (sweeping all events), annihilating the next closest contender by three points and proving she really should be competing a level up (yes I’m looking at you girl who got a 9.9 on vault).

But I gotta say, our gym is a bit of an outlier. I see other gyms come in with quite a load of goodies for the girls. There is some serious snacking shit and GIFTS…for a sport that costs a shitload of money already! And the bags are fucking decorated as if the Queen’s kid was participating. The best is when little Myrandah (please don’t forget the ‘h’ it upsets her Mom) throws out her entire gift bag with nary a look at the time and effort put into it, not to mention the cost. Yup, she grabbed her Twizzlers out and decided all of the other tchotchke shit was not even worth the effort to remove. How about saying “thank you” and putting the snack bag away to be tossed at home when no one is looking? Like a polite ungrateful child.

And Dear Parent who spent more than five minutes on the snack bag, please let me know your address, because if you have that much free time I would love to send my kids to your house. I’m sure someone will say, “But I just LOVE doing this for my little Annibellah, she LOVES to see what I put together.” This is probably the kid that will go to buy her first home and require granite in the kitchen when she should go for the damn formica and be HAPPY cause it’s hers (I really gotta stop watching House Hunters).

Must we regress to the olden days? A time of neon feathered hair and other fashion disasters? When kids had to do chores and homework by themselves? When the only snack option was your dinner? Raise your hand if you got a fucking snack bag after your sporting events and you were raised in the 1980s or before. Yeah, I thought so, not a damn hand up anywhere. You know what? We all lived. No one died of hunger. No one passed out from malnutrition. And guess what? There was a snack shed at most events raising money for the schools or leagues. You know what you got if you won, a treat or a pat on the back. If you lost you got nothing. It’s called motivation, it’s called life, it’s called not everyone gets something all the time.

And yes, little Mary did get Hawaiian Punch and I got nothing, and look how normal I am.

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