Why Every Horror Movie Made Is Obviously About Toddlers
Many people have made the claim that toddlers are like zombies, and that motherhood is like The Walking Dead. I get it. The drool, the incoherent babble, their constant pursuit and desire to bite … Yes, I see the connection between toddlers and zombies. But I’m going to take it a step further and suggest that nearly every horror movie out there, in some way, shape, or form, is inspired by the behavior of our crotchety crotch fruit.
Cujo: The scene where the dog is trying to break into the car was obviously written by someone who made the mistake of closing the bathroom door, in hopes of trying to go on their own.
Aliens: The scene where the alien is licking Sigourney Weaver’s face? Clearly dreamt up by someone who has tried to co-sleep with a toddler who was testing them out to see if they were awake.
Jaws: Every single day, I stand in the kitchen deflecting bites from my hungry, teething toddler. Obviously I’m not alone, because if you squint, the mast of that boat sure looks like a kitchen stool. Amiright?
The Exorcist: I’m going to go out on a limb here and actually suggest this whole movie is about a cute little baby going through their terrible twos. The pea soup scene? I think we’ve all been there when we thought we were being sneaky by putting pureed vegetables into their beloved fruit smoothie.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: I mean, if this isn’t about a toddler before and after nap, then what is it about?
28 Days Later: The rage virus is real. It breeds in toddlers. There is no cure other than time. Enough said.
Pet Sematary: The writers of Pet Sematary didn’t mince words when they created post-death, angry Gage. Every toddler has the ability to turn this on. Some just haven’t figured it out yet.
The Blair Witch Project: The big scary ending. You know, the one where they guy is standing in the corner, while the woman screams at him and he doesn’t respond? This is how my day ends, every day, except I’m standing in front of the fridge, binge eating the first thing that appears in my hand, while my toddler dances around behind me screaming, “Mommmmmy!” 13,892,928,384,473,191 times. My money is on one of the writers having a kid named Blair.
Rosemary’s Baby: I would be remiss to not mention the original evil baby movie. While Adrian never gets a chance to really show off his full potential as Satan’s spawn, I think we all know what he would be capable of.
Got any others I didn’t think of? Be sure to let me know in the comments!
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