The Fine Line Of Pushing Your Kid To Be Their Best Without Pressuring Them

It’s a popular piece of advice: You have to get out of your comfort zone to grow. You have to try hard things, you have to push yourself, you have to work really hard to be the best version of you that you can be.

But with this narrative, it feels like there's a very thin line between growth and causing unnecessary pressure and stress, especially on our kids. Whether it’s learning to ride a bike without training wheels or wanting your kid to study more for an upcoming test, parents often feel stuck between wanting to push their child to be and do their best and not wanting to be another loud voice in their kid’s ears, stressing them out and pushing them over the edge.

How do you dance along that line? How do you encourage your child to do hard things, to really work at something, to get out of their comfort zone, without sending them flailing into the fetal position the minute their pencil point breaks during a test?

And how do you know when to back off?

This is when it really helps to know your child... and to get really comfortable with hearing their true feelings out. Lisa S. Larsen, PsyD, a licensed psychologist with over 20 years of experience as a psychotherapist, tells Scary Mommy that if you’re wanting to encourage your child to try out something new — like a new sport or a new hobby — it’s less about “why don’t you want to do something” and more “why don’t you want to do this particular thing.” You’re not trying to pressure your child into being an athlete, but it’s fair to ask them why they’re no longer interested in basketball after signing up, or why they won’t give their soccer practice the commitment it deserves.

Parents often feel stuck between wanting to push their child to be and do their best and not wanting to be another loud voice in their kid’s ears, stressing them out and pushing them over the edge.

“If the kid says, ‘I just don't like it anymore,’ and they have barely tried it, you might ask them what it is about the activity that they don't like. This way, you're not imposing your feelings or agenda on the kid, and getting a little closer to the reason for their reluctance. Maybe the child is uncomfortable with other teammates or participants involved in the activity. Then you can troubleshoot how they can feel more comfortable. Perhaps the activity involves more work than they anticipated, or more patience. You can offer a story of when you were a child and had a similar experience, either to validate their experience or to show how this obstacle can be surmounted,” Larsen says.

All of this will encourage your child to put their thoughts and feelings into words, building emotional intelligence. If you’re at the point where you’re trying to pick a sport or something new for your kid to do, Larsen says preparation may be key (especially if the registration is costly). “You might ask for a brief meeting with the coach or activity leader to ask questions about what's involved in team membership before signing the child up. You can also encourage your child to ask questions in the meeting about what will be expected of them,” she suggests. This way, you aren’t pressuring your child into anything, and they feel a little more in the driver’s seat about what’s to come.

When it comes to pushing your child to be a little more responsible or to handle things more independently, it can get a bit tricky. Larsen says this is especially true with “very sensitive children.”

“Reading their responses to your prompts to act responsibly is a moment-by-moment project sometimes,” she says. “You might catch them on a bad day when anything you say to them registers as criticism, or you might be in a bad mood and that accidentally comes through in your tone.” By creating an open conversation with your kids, you can give them the chance to tell you how your response to something like forgetting their library book at home or missing a school deadline made them feel.

And sometimes? Well, you just have to accept that your kid doesn’t want to study or do their homework or practice the piano.

“It's OK to tell them that you understand that they don't like it, but it still needs to be done. If they refuse to do it, you can give them a natural consequence for their refusal — if it isn't something important like going to the doctor or school,” Larsen says. “For example, if they decide they don't want to practice a musical instrument anymore, you can give them a few more chances and then let them know that you won't pay for any more lessons. Explain it in terms of an agreement, whereby you agree to certain behaviors and they agree as well. Then the consequences don't seem personal.”

Above all, avoid shame. No phrases like “you always do this” or “you never fulfill your obligations.” Don’t compare them to other people or suggest that there’s something wrong with them for messing up or floundering a bit. “While you may be tempted to go there, it shames the child and makes them feel like there's no point in trying to please you. You've already made up your mind about them.”

I know. None of this makes it sound any easier, and Larsen agrees that this is a challenging — but vital — balance to strike. If you’re struggling with pushing your child to be more responsible or to have more pride and ownership over the things they do (like reading a book they signed up for in Book Club or honoring a commitment to a team), Larsen suggests trying to find their internal motivation. And if you need to, demonstrate to them through words and actions how doing those things keeps you on track.

“It's OK to tell them that you understand that they don't like it, but it still needs to be done.” — psychologist Lisa S. Larsen

Talk about how sometimes you’re too exhausted to work, but you know your coworkers are depending on you. Talk about how pushing yourself to try something new showed you that you were capable of doing more than you thought and gave you a much-needed confidence boost. Talk about mistakes you’ve made, like having to pay a late fee on a bill because you missed a deadline, and how you just made a simple error and it’s OK, but it would’ve been so much nicer to have that late fee money for something else.

“If judgment and criticism creep into your voice, you'll see it in how your kid responds,” Larsen says. Their shoulders might slump, or they might stiffen and look mad, for example. They might skulk away and avoid you. Then it's important to apologize for the critical remarks and emphasize that you want them to succeed in life. And part of that means that sometimes, you do things you don't want to. It's OK to feel like you don't want to, but still do it for the long-term benefit of all.”

Bottom line: Our reactions matter more than anything. If your child doesn’t want to ride a bike, calling them a baby or getting frustrated doesn’t help. If your tween forgets their homework even after you told them to make sure it was in their bag, huffing and puffing and lecturing them for an hour will just make them feel like they can never make a mistake. If your teen wants to quit football two practices in, throwing a fit about the amount of money you’ve spent registering them for the team will make them feel resentful and guilty.

But talking to your kids, explaining why things matter and are important, and above all, showing them how you handle these exact things in your own life will really help clear up the blurry line between pushing your kid to be their best and making them feel caved in with pressure.