I Raised 3 Teens. Here Are My Best Pieces Of Advice.

I don’t claim to be an expert on raising kids. I don’t know all the latest stats and studies. I didn’t read any of the books because I did that when my kids were babies and it made me stressed and overwhelmed so I decided to go by feel. I paid attention to their cues and what my gut was telling me and things went so much better; no one wants an overstressed parent anyway.

So I carried that method through their teen years, too. Of course it wasn’t perfect. I stumbled a lot — especially as a single mom. So, while I can’t throw out any credentials, I can share with you what I learned as a mother of teens. And these aren’t things that just worked for me; I’ve also asked my kids for what worked for them growing up, so their side is here, too.

1. Nagging didn’t help. Like ever.

The urge is real, I get it. We see our teens doing, or not doing, something and it’s like nails on the chalk board. I’m not saying I never said anything, I always did, I would just limit it. We hear someone the first time they tell us something and so do our teens. Also, does someone telling you over and over to clean up your room make you do it? No. If someone continues to tell you to get your school work done or not to be late for work make you step it up? No. I stopped nagging, my kids faced and dealt with the consequences – good and bad. We were all happier.

2. I let them live their life the way they wanted to live it.

My kids didn’t love school so they opted out of college. They weren’t into sports or clubs either. It was important to all of them to get a job because they wanted a car and freedom. This gave my kids space to figure out what they wanted to do with their time and their life. I didn’t always know what was best for them. I knew what I wanted them to do or what I thought they should do, but those are two very different things. They aren’t mini-mes and they didn’t want the same life I had so I let them live theirs. My 22 year-old is in the trades making great money at a job he loves with no debt. My 20 year old got her esthetician license and runs her own business. My youngest graduated high school a year early and is traveling the world. That was all on them. All I did was give them space to figure it all out.

3. There will be a time when they want nothing to do with you. It’s really hard, but giving them space made them come back around sooner.

The days when they stopped wanting to hang out with me were sad. My kids used to love to do things like go on hikes and out for ice cream. We used to have so much fun on weekend trips. That all ended and I complained about it to them because it really hurt and I missed them. Then, I stopped talking about it and I’d go out and do those things with friends or by myself. I’d go and get that double brownie sundae and eat the entire thing myself and spend the extra money I would've spent if they came along on getting my nails done afterward. Slowly but surely they missed our dates, and then they were back.

4. I made a lot of mistakes and admitted them to my kids.

My kids have taught me a lot and I always listen to what they have to say. They’ve told me I’m anxious and over protective. They’ve told me I seemed stressed all the time, especially as a new single mom. They were right and I admitted that, apologized to them and told them I did my best at the time. I’m not here to defend myself to my kids. That was their experience and I won’t tell them that they were wrong.

5. Staying calm in stressful situations is really hard, but it is always better for everyone.

This takes so much strength. I still have to work on it and my kids are barely home. But I noticed my kids would block me out when I’d get really stressed or raise my voice. I do the same thing, so why would it be any different for them. Once I started approaching very tough conversations differently, my kids opened up more and it felt better for everyone.

6. They want space to figure things out for themselves.

I used to give in to the urge to give my kids countless solutions to their problems. That really annoyed them. Now, if they want advice, they specifically ask for it. Otherwise, they just want me to listen.

7. I stopped micromanaging things.

They applied for jobs. They called their boss. They had to talk to one of their teachers if there was a situation at school. It was hard to let that go, and there were times they wanted me to do certain things for them, but it wasn’t helping them at all.

8. I didn’t give shit how they dressed or what color their hair was.

This was one of those battles I wasn’t going to fight. It’s useless. Kids know how to sneak clothes in their bag, they will get the piercing or dye their hair anyway. I also wanted my kids to feel confident and have their own style.

9. I didn’t snoop and stayed out of their room.

Yes, it was my house and I believe as a parent there are times when you need to do that. I could have totally missed some signs, but I never had enough reason to go in their room or go through their things. Because of this they trusted me and came to me with experiences and questions I don’t think they would have otherwise.

10. I never, under any circumstances, criticized or spoke poorly of my children to one another or where they can hear it.

Listen, we all need to vent. Being a parent to teenagers isn’t easy and there are times they test your patience and you’re not sure if you’re going to make it out of a bad place. But their siblings don’t need to hear it. Any of it. There are other family members and friends to talk to. If one of my kids heard me criticize their brother or sister, it would make them lose trust in me. And that’s the last thing I want.

Raising teens isn’t about controlling every choice, it’s about building a relationship. These are hills I’d die on.

Katie lives in Maine with her three kids, two ducks, and a goldendoodle. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, at the gym, redecorating her home, or spending too much money online.