I Wasn’t Ready For My Teen To Tell Me She Had An STD

My daughter is shy. She’s always had a hard time talking about her feelings, big or small, and as she’s gotten older, her go-to coping mechanism is to shut down. So I’ve worked extra hard to try and make her feel safe and to let her know that she can come to me and talk about anything.

Including sex.

But as parents we can only prepare ourselves for so much. After all, talking to my kids about sex, their safety during sex, sexual health, protection, and consensual sex is an ongoing conversation. There are times I’m in the car with one of my older children and it occurs to me that we haven't had any dialogue around it for a while, and I don’t want to be complacent. After all, as we know, it’s not a one and done conversation.

If I’d thought my job was done after only one talk, my very shy, introverted daughter would never have come to me during a very scary time. She felt off ‘down there’ and told me. I knew that she had a new partner and I knew they were probably having sex; I was having sex at her age. So while she was a little vague, I knew that she’d come to me for a reason. She trusted me and was looking for an answer because she wasn’t sure what to do next.

After asking her some questions, I told her to make an appointment with her doctor and I offered to go with her. She was scared and nervous and wanted me to make the call for her, but also didn’t want to tell me every detail, so she decided to do it herself and declined my invitation to go with her.

I didn’t push. I didn’t ask her anymore questions, I just reminded her over and over that these things happen, she didn’t do anything wrong, and I was there for whatever she needed. She asked me not to tell her dad and I didn’t. She was nervous about telling her partner she was going to the doctor. I told her that it was the right thing to do and if this person was right for her, they would understand and get tested themselves; I reminded her that if she was going to have sex there are some responsibilities that come with it. I did my best with this part. I didn’t want her to think I was passing judgment or mad at her new lover because I honestly wasn’t. And I did tell her that the sooner she told them, the faster she could get rid of the anxiety it was causing.

Her doctor took some tests and then we waited. We talked a lot those next few days and I reminded her over and over that whatever happened, it would be okay. That her doctor and I were there for her, and modern medicine is a wonderful thing.

As soon as she got a positive result, she called me. I thought, Okay, here we are. My daughter has an STD and as hard as that might be for both of us, it’s curable. And the most wonderful part is that I was her person through all of this. She didn’t ask a friend. She didn’t go to her aunt. She came to me, her mom. Because she knew that I could handle it and that I would help.

Now I know that if something else like this, or if something worse, happens, I’ve shown her that I am there for her, and that we can get through it together. It’s the kind of relationship I’d hoped I would have with my daughter when I found out almost two decades ago that I was having a girl.

I am so glad I pushed through and had the tough talks with her. I don’t want to think about what she’d be going through if I hadn’t.