Is It OK To Teach My Kid They Don't Have To Be Friends With Everyone?

My son is 4 and just wrapped up his first year of pre-K, where he learned to write, count up to 200, and so much more. And, perhaps more importantly, he learned a lot about social dynamics this year. One of his biggest lessons came in the form of one specific kid, who more often than not would say something that would trip my little guy’s very sensitive trigger. So, I started wondering: is it OK to teach my kid they don’t have to be friends with everyone? We’d always tell him to be kind and respectful, but that he didn’t have to spend extra time around this classmate if he didn’t like his remarks. But was I just giving him an easy out when I should encourage him to talk it through, or accidentally instilling the idea that he could just cold shoulder kids he doesn’t click with?

Is it OK to teach my kid they don’t have to be friends with everyone?

First, I asked a teacher. “As a mom, teacher, school administrator, and parent coach, I always taught kids that it was OK to not be friends with someone, but they had to be respectful,” says Sari Goodman, M.A. She says kids need to learn to trust their guts about the people around them, and to learn what makes a good or bad friend. Plus, it’s just realistic — no one is friends with everyone they know.

Next: a psychotherapist. “It's healthy to tell kids they don't have to be friends with everyone. In fact, we want them to be selective in the people they consider to be friends. When children assume everyone is their friend, they may trust the wrong people, get hurt more often, and struggle to maintain healthy relationships,” says Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and the author of 13 Things Strong Kids Do.

And, for good measure, what does a child psychologist think? “Not only is it OK — it’s essential,” says Dr. Robyn Koslowitz, child psychologist, trauma therapist, and author of Post-Traumatic Parenting. “We want our children to be kind to everyone; that’s non-negotiable. But kindness doesn’t mean offering everyone equal access to your inner world.”

How do you teach your child to be kind and set boundaries?

Let’s be real — this is something many adults struggle with. So, how can we talk to our children about why some people just don’t gel, and how to politely handle those situations? Koslowitz says it’s important to encourage our kids to “befriend” themselves. The more they understand their own temperament and preferences, the more easily they will recognize when another kid is just not a good fit for them.

“A child who prefers calm, focused conversation may find a high-energy friend exhausting. That’s not a flaw in either child. It just means they’re not a great match,” she says. “I like to use this metaphor with kids: Carrots are yummy. Peanut butter is yummy. But carrots plus peanut butter? Not so yummy. Some people are wonderful on their own — but just don’t work well together. That’s not cruelty. That’s chemistry.”

It’s good to teach your child how to talk out their differences rather than just writing their classmates off over a slight. It can offer insight into whether they’re a good friend, actually. Here’s a scenario from Koslowitz:

“‘I don’t like when you shove me — it pops my comfort bubble.’ If the other child says, ‘Oh! I didn’t know. I’ll stop,’ that’s a relationship worth investing in. But if the shoving keeps happening? That’s a peanut butter and carrot situation. You can wish someone well and still walk away,” she explains.

All three experts agree that even preschoolers can begin to understand this concept, but that it’s in elementary school where the social dynamics kick up and they’ll maybe actually need to use them. “As they decide who to play with at recess, who to talk to at lunch and who to share their struggles with, they'll learn to separate their classmates from their friends,” Morin says.

She also recommends describing to your child the behaviors you’d want to see in a friend. “Friends are kind. Friends share. Friends offer to help. Friends talk to you and say nice things. Encourage kids to look for those behaviors in other people.”

How to teach your child to handle different interactions may vary. Koslowitz says we don’t owe everyone closeness, but we do owe everyone kindness. Goodman says she promotes respect over kindness. Whatever you go with, just be clear about what “kind” or “respectful” boundary-setting behaviors could look like.

“Talk about the specific ways to be kind to everyone, such as smiling or saying hello. Then, talk about the behavior you would exhibit with a friend that might be different, like asking for help or sharing a problem with them,” Morin explains. “It's helpful to create a physical demonstration too. Draw concentric circles on a page and talk about who belongs in each circle and what behavior is appropriate. Save the behavior for the closest friends with those who are in the inner circle.”