An Uncensored Letter To The Kids From The Elf On The Shelf

by Alison Chrun
Originally Published: 
A close-up of an Elf on the Shelf toy
Michael Kappel / Creative Commons

Dear Kids,

Look, I’m gonna be real with you, this shit’s getting out of hand. I’ve been at your house for four days, and your dad is already thinking about sending my ass back to the North Pole for good, as in FOR-E-VER!

I’ve got a pretty sweet deal up there with Santa, so it’s no cartilage off my ears if I have to spend the remainder of my life sipping hot chocolate and dancing to Christmas music. But I’m trying to do you all a solid and let you in on what’s really going on.

First off, what happened to being nice? Do you think I’m not watching you? Timmy, I saw the wedgie you gave your little brother in the bathroom earlier. That shit was whack! You’re missing the point of this whole Elf on the Shelf shit. It’s meant for your behavior to improve during Christmastime, not stay the same. And now I’ve gotta go tell the Boss what you did!

Secondly, the gifts you’ve been requesting in private to me? In your dreams, my friend. A hover board for a 7-year-old? I don’t think so! Let’s get real. How about some Pokeman trading cards or a video game?

And lastly, I’m going to give you a big tip on how to fix your behavior and seal your fate for the rest of the season. Whatever you do at school, do that at home. I see your square-ass sitting up straight, listening to the teacher, and following directions. Hell, you even use your manners. It’s like you’re living two different lives. All I gotta say is fix it, and fast. Because dad’s on a mission to teach you all a lesson, and mom has had it up to here, again. Best of luck my friends, you’ll need it.

Merry Christmas!


Your Elf on the Shelf

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