The Mommy Performance Review

by Deni Miller
Originally Published: 
A boy holding a phone and the text 'the mommy performance review' written above his head.

EMPLOYEE NAME/POSITION: Mommy; Assistant to the Departmental Head of Toddler Chaos, Maid, Chef, Social Events Coordinator, Laundress, Chair of the Arts & Crafts Committee, Educational Team Leader, Keeper of the Cookies & Crayons, Member of the Nap Oversight Committee, Toddler On-Demand Specialist

SUPERVISOR/TITLE: Mac; CEO of Mommy, Inc. & Departmental Head of Toddler Chaos

1. JOB KNOWLEDGE, SKILL, & ABILITIES: Has the basic knowledge, skills, and abilities to perform her work satisfactorily.

Mommy has the basic knowledge and skills necessary to perform her work satisfactorily. She doesn’t ruin laundry. She seldom burns the entire dinner. She can efficiently unclog the vacuum of 42 small toy parts. She has mastered diapering while I run through the house screaming like a banshee.

She’s shown remarkable growth this year. She can now hold me and simultaneously perform 25 other tasks. I’ve seen her effectively operate our home’s thermostat and perform advanced functions with the TV remote.

Her dishwasher loading and dusting skills could use improvement. Other areas for improvement noted below.

It’s commendable that when faced with a challenging situation she will seek assistance, albeit, it’s often from the Internet… or Daddy.

2. QUALITY OF WORK/PRODUCTIVITY: Work is sometimes inaccurate or incomplete; sometimes fails to meet departmental standards. Works slower than expected; work is sometimes of substandard consistency and timeliness

Mommy takes FOREVER to get me what I want. It’s becoming a serious problem. Her response time to my yelling “SEAT!” and pulling on my seat at the table can be as long as 32 seconds. The other day I had to pull the seat completely to the floor just to get her attention. She said she was trying to get the cookie crumbs out of the rug but I suspect that was merely an excuse to lie face down on the floor for half a minute.

Additionally, I’ve been waiting days for my favorite T-shirt and fleece to be laundered. Imagine my disappointment when she presented it to me and the T-shirt was wrinkled because once again, she folded the laundry in a hurried and sloppy manner.

Mommy really needs to hone her skills in this area. She and I can work on an action plan for the coming year.

3. RELIABILITY: Sometimes not dependable and conscientious in performing work; sometimes unwilling to accept responsibilities.

To her credit, Mommy, tries very valiantly to respond to my crying and other basic needs. Unfortunately, she has trouble staying on task or her response is inadequate. Often she will allow my continual demands for “Help,” “Read, Read, Read,” or “SIP!” to draw her attention away from dinner preparations, laundry, or other key household chores.

Additionally, the time she devotes to Twitter on a daily basis is cause for concern. I mean, this diaper isn’t just going to change itself.

Sometimes I’ve caught her glancing at a magazine when she should be scooping the cat boxes, organizing my baby mementos, or matching up my socks. I understand by law she’s entitled to a couple breaks a day, however, she already gets bathroom breaks and typically she gets 10 minutes for meals per day.

It’s obvious Mommy starts projects with good intentions but her follow through is disappointing. She should focus on developing her perseverance. I’m currently walking around with half a hair cut and 7 untrimmed toenails because she abandoned these tasks as soon as I started throwing a tantrum and thrashing about violently.

4. COMMUNICATION: Communications skills occasionally impair performance.

Mommy is always talking, yet she doesn’t seem to listen.

Now that I can talk, she seems terribly confused. Granted she understands when I’m thirsty or want a cookie; however, when I yank open the refrigerator door and start pointing, it often takes her no fewer than seven attempts to get my demands met. (I hate mustard lady, stop offering me mustard bottles!)

And when I ask for the “Phone” or the “mote” it’s like she doesn’t even hear me. I know she can hear me because if I say “Poop” she hurries up and runs for my potty seat.

Her selective hearing must be addressed. Communication is vital to her roles in this organization. I shouldn’t have to throw a fit every time I desire to run with a fork, play in the medicine cabinet, or spend half the day naked.

5. WORK RELATIONSHIPS: Attempts to take a positive approach in assisting others. However, sometimes has trouble getting along with other employees, supervisors, and the public.

Mommy is always running around saying how much she loves me and asking for hugs and kisses. Yet, sometimes she has trouble getting along with me AND Daddy. She gets so uptight when we run through the house screaming until 8:45 at night.

She really needs to relax a little bit. I will go to bed eventually.

Sometimes, when I find her weeping silently in a corner during an unscheduled break, I get the impression that she is overwhelmed or frustrated by her co-workers. This behavior is unacceptable in a position as prominent as Mommy’s. She really needs to embrace her co-workers and their diverse viewpoints. Mommy’s continued improvement in this area is expected and once she makes steps towards improving, I believe she will find her work much more rewarding.

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