Monster Spray and Other Shit That Probably Won't Get Your Kid to Bed

It all starts one day when your shrinky-dink decides that his room is too dark. This soon turns into the idea that there are hideous beasts from the bowels of hell that come into his room to terrorize him each night. Your child’s fear pulls relentlessly at your heartstrings. None of us want our children to be scared, but we also REALLY want them to sleep in their own beds so that they will stay out of ours. So here are some things you can try:

Monster Spray: You and your child can make this ridiculous little bottle of lies together! Get a spray bottle and fill it halfway with water. Look around your kitchen and grab the first non-toxic shit you can find. Lemon juice? Monsters fucking hate lemon juice! Perfect, right? So squeeze a little into the bottle and promise your little tot-ling that this potion you’ve created will keep those pesky monsters away and that if they walk into it…they will DIE! Spray it around the room before bedtime. Goodnight.

Why this could work: Kids can be pretty gullible. Their imaginations are awesome and they may actually buy into this steaming pile of bullshit.

Potential Problems: You’ve basically admitted to your child that monsters ARE real and they now have a new fear that they will wake up to a room full of dead monster corpses.

Buy a New Nightlight: Duh. Being afraid of the dark should be an easy fix. Take your precious offspring to Target and let him pick out a new nightlight. How exciting is that? Maybe he’ll choose one with his favorite character on it and be bursting at the seams to plug it in and crawl in bed. Turn that motherfucker on, kiss your little’s forehead, shut the door and sleep tight.

Why this could work: It’s not that dark anymore and honestly, your child may love the new ambiance that this new and enjoyable ray of light has created.

Potential problems: Now you are worried about a fire hazard, plus you realize that you could have saved 20 bucks and left the door open with the hall light on. In addition, your sweet-cheeks may then come to the conclusion that they don’t mind the dark that much after all, but they are still, in fact, scared.

Fake Out: You can lie down with your little cutie pie in his bed until his precious little eyes close and he finally shuts the hell up. Once he falls asleep, you may ever-so-gently try and rise from the mattress without it creaking and making a sound like a feral cat in heat. Continue to quietly tip-toe to your own room, where you can get some shut-eye.

Why this could work: If your love bug is a sound sleeper, he could sleep all through the night and gain newfound confidence in realizing that he woke up alone and no monsters ate him. No. More. Fear. Winning!

Potential Problems: Sugar-face wakes up and realizes that you are not there and is scared shitless that you have been eaten by one of the monsters. Once he discovers you are alive and well, he then develops trust issues and blames you for all failed relationships he encounters for the rest of his life.

The Major Reward: By this time you are so exhausted from so many failures that you are almost ready to throw in the towel and move the little critter into your room. You decide to give this one last shot and tell your little scaredy-cat that you will buy him some ridiculous item worth a large sum of money, for example…a trip to Disney World. You say this out of sheer desperation and the fact that you haven’t slept or gotten laid in weeks, due to these bedtime blunders. Promise the kid the world, say goodnight, and drag yourself to your own bed.

Why this could work: Bribery is the oldest trick in the book. What kid wouldn’t want a trip to Disney World, or some other rad prize? This has a high success rate and may seem lazy, when in fact…it is brilliant. The thought of the reward may just make the thought of monsters disappear.

Potential Problems: It works and now you have to pony up to whatever insanely outrageous promise you made. I’d choose one of the travel sites and just book the package if I were you. I hope you have the extra cash…you’re going to need it. There is always the chance that this will fail and you can’t buy him off…in which case, I am SO sorry.

So in reality, there are options. If none of these works for you, then I would recommend investing in a California King Bed and a prescription for Ambien. You will need them both to help you survive the REAL monster that is now sleeping with you every night. Oh, and sorry folks…that “spray” won’t work in your room either.

Related post: Ten Signs You’re a Sleep Deprived Mom