The Parental Aptitude Test: A Must For Every High School Student

by Susie Johnson
Originally Published: 
A newborn baby crying in a white onesie while parents are standing next to it
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Number one brought home a math paper for homework the other day with some SAT-like problems on it.

That got me to thinking…

We all know the SAT’s are bullshit. And unnecessary.

If your grades are good in high school, your grades will be good in college. If your grades suck in high school, then your grades will suck in college.

I think the aptitude is pretty much evident already.

Instead, before our kids leave high school, I believe we should institute the PATs.

The Parental Aptitude Test.

Screw telling a high school kid to walk around with a 5 pound bag of flour or a fake baby that cries every few minutes.

Those Dr. Phil shows where couples have to do things like install car seats without killing each other?

Waste of time.

I have a much better test.

And how you handle the following situations will provide you with an extremely accurate measurement of your parenting aptitude and your ability to successfully raise a child:

1. The Diaper Change. I’m not talking about knowing how to put a diaper on if you’ve never done it before. My 2-year-old can do that to her dolls. I mean changing a diaper full of poo. Because your child, at some point between the 15-20 month mark, will do anything possible to get his (or her) hands into it. You would think they were told there was a bag of candy or a cookie or a new toy down there. If you complete this task while keeping your child’s hands, face, and hair, as well as your hands and clothes, the walls, and the changing table poop-free, then you pass.

2. The Phone Call. Enjoy your telephone conversations when you are single, because as soon as you have kids, the phone turns into some kind of signaling device that only they can hear. Kind of like a dog whistle. In order to pass this portion, you must complete an entire conversation with one child clinging to your leg while two other children scream at the top of their lungs and try to beat the crap out of each other in the same room as you.

3. The Mortifying Comment. Put yourself in a room with an extremely overweight person, someone missing a limb, a woman with a mustache, Pat from Saturday Night Live, and a little person. If your child says nothing to any of them, you win the Best Parent to Ever Exist award and you may skip the rest of the test. Otherwise, you must figure out a way to shut your child up that does not include the use of duct tape.

4. The Deli. You must order three separate items from the deli, and you must bring an 18-month-old with you. You will get Number 27, but they will be serving Number 19. Once you pick your number, you will not be allowed to leave the area. If you go out-of-bounds, you will be forced to pick a new number. Your child must remain in the cart, and it cannot be a cart which has a truck or a steering wheel attached to it. If you complete this step without the use of cheese, you may skip the last portion of the test.

5. Getting Out of the House and Into the Car With a 2-Year-Old. You will have ten minutes for this event. The clock starts when your child is completely engrossed in an episode of Sesame Street. Your child must have shoes, a hat, and a winter coat on in order to leave. You must also have the following items in the car with you: a diaper, wipes, a change of clothes, his or her blankie, a sippy cup, two snacks and at least three toys. The car will be parked outside, and you will have to walk 50 yards to get to it. You must allow your child to walk on his/her own. Along the way there will be two large puddles, 25 huge tulips in full bloom, a small puppy, and a trail of lollipops. If you make it to the car, you must allow your child to “climb in himself!!!” Once your child is securely strapped into the seat, he or she will take a massive dump. You must change the diaper before you can leave (refer to problem #1). Ready, set, go.


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