The New Year's Resolutions Every Parent Wishes Their Kid Made

We’re already three weeks into the new year, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve already broken your resolutions. And if you’re exactly like me, you never bothered making any in the first place! I’ve never found them helpful, personally, but I do wish I could get my son to make a few. Despite my best parenting efforts, there are some things he still needs to commit to.

So I wrote a list of goals I’d love my 5-year-old to try to accomplish this year. Of course, resolutions have never worked for me, so I’m not crazy enough to think they would work for a 5-year-old! The fact that this idea is essentially an impossible fantasy from the mind of a desperate parent should become clear relatively quickly.

– Eat dinner– Eat healthy– Eat what your mother spent two hours slaving over– Eat what I took out of the microwave and put in front of you– Eat these two sugar packets– Eat something!– Eat more quickly– Pick up your clothes– Clean your room– Clean your own butt!– Go to sleep on time– Go to sleep ever– Sleep more– Sleep until sunrise– Pretend you’re sleeping– Just lie there and be quiet for a few hours?– Be kind– Stand up for yourself– Don’t hit– Use your words– Don’t use bad words– Talk to us– Tell us about your day!– Don’t talk so loud– Don’t talk so much– Don’t talk back– Just stop talking already!– Share– Give me that back– Show respect– Use your manners– Say “please”– Say “thank you”– Say “thank you”– Say “thank you!”– SHOW ME SOME GODDAMN GRATITUDE FOR ONCE!!!– Say “you’re welcome”– Have less screen timeGod, I’m busy. Just go watch TV.