Are You Ready for a Vasectomy?

Let’s say you have a kid. Or a dozen kids. And they’re all boys, or all girls, or some are boys and some are girls. And you’re getting older…or your youngest child is getting older. Or you just look at your family and you know it’s complete. You don’t have an empty space in your heart that’s still waiting to be filled by one more little person to love.

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You may find yourself telling your husband that it’s time to start thinking about The Vasectomy.

But are you really ready for that kind of permanent solution? Having a vasectomy is different than just popping a pill everyday. You can quit the Pill at anytime. I hear that a vasectomy can reversed, but the Big V is a Big Deal. I mean, sure, you’ve gone through nine months of pregnancy plus labor plus delivery for each of your kids. But a Vasectomy? We’re talking about an out-patient procedure with a recovery that includes the use of an ice pack and up to three days of a slight restriction in activity level.

Can he handle that? Of course he can.

But a Vasectomy also means that your baby days are over. Are you ready for that? Really?

Here are a few simple tests to determine whether or not you are, indeed, ready to take the Big V plunge, or snip, as it were.

Vasectomy Readiness Test #1

Leave the kids at home for a whole day with your husband. Bring your wallet and phone, but no snacks, books, toys, diapers, extra toddler-sized underwear, binkies, bottles, lovies, or changes of clothing. Run a million errands. Notice your productivity. Notice how quickly you can mail a package or buy a specific type of lightbulb without having to deal with car seat straps, strollers, baby-wearing pouches, hungry children, toddlers who ask a million questions, little people who must touch every single thing in every single place you go, and a dozen bathroom breaks. If you’re still out and it’s getting close to nap time, don’t panic. You won’t need to drive home with the windows open or Wee Sing blaring in an effort to keep sleepy babies awake.

It feels liberating, right? Like you could accomplish anything? Would you like to feel this way all the time?

You might be ready for a Vasectomy.

Vasectomy Readiness Test #2

When papers come home in your kids’ school folders, put them in a pile and tell yourself that you’ll look at them later. Forget to. Then forget which days are Library Days and Sharing Days and the first grade performance. Allow phone calls and texts from your friends to go unanswered. Start an important conversation with your husband but forget what you were going to say mid-sentence. Miss appointments and Mommy and Me Music Class.

Mommy Brain is real, you guys. I read an article about it once. I forget where, but it was really compelling.

Are you ready to start rebuilding those parts of your brain that can recall your neighbor’s name and remember why you walked into the living room in the first place?

Yes. Yes, you are.

And so, you might be ready for a Vasectomy.

Vasectomy Readiness Test #3

Send the kids to grandma’s for the night. Go to sleep at 10pm. Sleep all the way through the night. Wake up at 8am. Or, better yet! Wake up whenever you want to wake up. Ha! I know, it sounds crazy, right?

But how does it feel?

Pretty good, huh? Could you get used to that?

Of course you could. You might be ready for a Vasectomy.

Vasectomy Readiness Test #4

Hold a baby. The newer the better. And sleeping, if possible. Smell the baby’s head. Close your eyes and really breathe in that sweet, newborn scent. Allow the baby to wrap his or her tiny fingers around yours. Does your heart somersault? Do your ovaries twitch?

No?

Great! You’re probably ready for a Vasectomy.

Vasectomy Readiness Test #5

Have your husband just go ahead and get a vasectomy. Dutifully protect yourself for the next three months until his “screening” will determine whether or not the procedure was a success.

Once you get the all-clear from the doc, go ahead and enjoy your new-found freedom. Well, as much as you can with small children hogging your bed every chance they get. A few weeks later, realize you’re Late. Really Late. Like, six days late.

Are you freaking out? Like, seriously freaking out? Are you trying to wrap your brain around the fact that maybe the procedure didn’t work and that maybe you’re not as Done as you thought you were? Are you trying to convince yourself that this is not a tragedy and might, [gulp], actually be a good thing? Despite everything you thought you knew about what you wanted and needed…maybe the Universe knew that you were not, in fact, Complete?

Are you unsuccessful in your attempt to convince yourself of this?

And then: Do you do a little, secret, happy dance in the Pregnancy Test aisle of Target because you suddenly realize that you don’t, after all, have to buy one…but that you should probably hit the bathroom on your way out?

Do you immediately call your husband and joyfully announce that the Vasectomy did work?

Yes?

Good. Then you were, in fact, ready for a Vasectomy.

Now go on and enjoy watching your Complete Family grow up together.

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