Vaginal Weightlifting Is The Post Baby Workout You Never Knew You Wanted
This sex and relationship expert thinks every woman should learn the benefits of vaginal weightlifting.
Sure, you can birth humans and Kegel like a vaginal ninja warrior, but can you hoist a variety of tropical fruits off the ground using only your pelvic floor muscles and your feminine grit? This woman can, and she won’t stop preaching the benefits of vaginal weightlifting until every woman in the world can “ping pong balls from her vagina.” Yup, according to Kim Amami, that’s your new fitness goal.
Amami is a holistic sex and relationship expert, who has also spent the past 20 years pumping iron with her lady bits. It’s called vaginal weightlifting — or as she calls it, Vaginal Kung Fu — and Amami says it’s based on “ancient Taoist practices women used 5,000 years ago to strengthen the pelvic floor and increase sexual pleasure.”
To do it, you simply tie a piece of string to a jade egg, insert the egg into your vagina, and then use your pelvic floor muscles to lift whatever random ass objects you can tie to the other end of the string: fruit, donuts, an assortment of appliances, a motherfucking surfboard.
Here Kim is lifting a chandelier with her vagina, as one does at Christmas parties and other family gatherings from time to time:
What, is that not impressive enough? Well, then you’ll be glad to know she brings party snacks too:
Amami says that, even though it looks weird as hell, her practice actually has some practical applications — especially for women who’ve given birth vaginally. According to her website, routine vaginal weightlifting strengthens the pelvic floor, eliminates urinary incontinence, increases libido, and enhances sexual enjoyment. It’s sort of like Kegel exercises, except way more intense and everyone will look at you like you’re insane if you try to do it in public.
Vaginal weight lifting also serves the purpose of helping women understand what their vaginas can do and empowering you to embrace your womanhood, says Amami. On her website, she writes, “Connecting to your sexual energy and your vagina involves a lot more than just what you do in bed… My sexual energy fuels my life and my relationships. My vagina is sensitive, articulate and my source of power.”
Ahem. Well, then. We better get on it. After all, there’s nothing worse than an insensitive, inarticulate vagina. How will it ever make friends?
While it might freak your kids out if you start parading around the house with a pineapple hanging out of your feminine fruit bowl, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get in touch with your sexuality or stop peeing your pants every time you laugh. There’s a even a Guinness World Record for vagina lifting so you have something to which you can aspire. It’s held by a mom named Tatyana Kozhevnikova who can use her vagina to lift a whopping 31 pounds. The average woman might not want to walk around with bananas hanging between her knees, but if there’s one thing we can learn from Amami and her crew, it’s that females — and our vaginas — are strong as hell.
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