The Stay At Home Mom Challenge

If you are a stay-at-home mom of children under the age of 5, then you get it.

You know how hard it is.

Being home all day.

Trying to keep your cool.

Trying not to lose your patience.

Trying to get one fucking thing checked off your to-do list without the entire house being trashed.

Seeing your toilet overflow just as you put the last dish in the dishwasher.

Watching your two year old swipe all the laundry onto the floor three seconds after you folded the last shirt.

Constantly struggling to find a balance between taking care of all the shit that needs to be done in your house and spending quality time with your kids.

I am tired of the people who question what I do all day.

The adults who get to leave home each morning and go work with other adults who don’t shit their own pants and cry on twelve-minute intervals have no idea how easy they’ve got it.

Yeah.

I said easy.

And so, to you assholes who think we stay at home moms are a joke, I offer you, the Stay At Home Mom Challenge.

You’re not going to come to my house to complete this challenge.

You won’t try this in your own home either.

No.

You are going to attempt it in your place of business.

Your office building.

For simplicity’s sake, we’ll say your name is…

Dick.

Here are the parameters of the challenge:

• You have three main employees. We’ll call them Number 5, 6, and 7.
• You cannot fire them.
• They must remain in the building with you at all times.
• You cannot curse.

And you have three tasks to complete (yes, just three simple tasks):

1. make a five-minute phone call
2. type, print out, and present a document in a meeting to a group of five people while your employees remain in the room with you.
3. keep your office, the bathroom, and one of the meeting rooms in your building neat and clean for the duration of the day.

Ready.

Go.

You will start off the day energized and feeling optimistic.

Cocky, even.

This will be a cakewalk.

You set up your employees in the meeting room with a simple task to complete.

When you leave the room they are quiet and cooperative.

You walk across the hall into your office, sit down at your desk, open up a new document, are about to strike the first key, and you hear,

“DIIIIIIICCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK AT WHAT NUMBER 7 DID!”

You go back across the hall.

You see this:

Ugh.

Your meeting is in 1 hour.

You clean up Number 7, move the markers out of reach, get your other employees back on track, and go back across the hall.

You are three sentences into your document when, again, you hear,

“DDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCKKKK!!!!

SHE DID IT AGAIN!!!”

You go back to the meeting room and see this:

Shit.

You forgot about the plants.

You remove those, and any other writing implements you left behind the last time.

You turn on the tv, forget the activity, and tell your employees to watch a show, be quiet, and keep their hands to themselves.

You go back to your office.

You manage to type your entire document.

You even get to print it out.

It’s been 15 minutes, and you still haven’t been interrupted.

You take advantage of the situation, and you reply to a couple of emails.

It’s still quiet across the hall.

You have to pee, so you tiptoe to the bathroom.

You have to pass the meeting room on your way.

When you do, you peek in, and you see this:

Fuck.

Remember, you can’t swear (out loud).

And be careful of what you say to your employees.

Screaming something at them out of anger and frustration may scar them for life.

And whatever words you do use will be repeated to every single person your employees ever cross paths with.

Choose your words carefully.

You take a deep breath and try to maintain your composure, but your presentation is in ten minutes.

You are running out of time.

You throw your employees into your office.

You lock the door to the meeting room.

You’ll do the presentation in a different room.

You clean up your employees, move them into room#2, and sit them as far away from each other as possible.

You left your document in your office and you run to get it.

When you come back, you see employee Number 7 decided to doll herself up.

Oh well.

You don’t have time to wash it off.

Every office has that slutty chick anyway.

You begin your presentation to your clients and the entire time,

Number 7 is trying to pull your pants off,

Number 5 is crying hysterically because her nail polish is messed up on one finger, and Number 6 is alternating between picking his nose and playing with his penis.

You need a break.

You haven’t had a chance to go to the bathroom, and the first meeting room you put your employees in is still trashed.

You also still have to make that phone call.

And then, it happens.

Now you also have to take a dump.

You tell your employees they can play on the computer for a couple of minutes.

“Where are you going?” they all ask.

You try to deflect the question.

“You guys play on the computer. I’ll be right back,” you tell them.

You get to the bathroom, shut the door, sit on the toilet, and exhale.

3 seconds later.

Knock…

Knock… Knock.

KNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!

“Dick? DICK????

DIIIIICCCKKKKKIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Can I come in? DICKIE? What are you doing in there???

ARE YOU POOPING???”

Screw it.

You open the door and let your employees in the bathroom while you take a crap.

They will all ask if they can see your poop, why you have hair down there, and how much longer you are going to take.

When you are done, you put them back in your office. You tell them if they do what they are supposed to do while you make a phone call, you will give them a big ass bonus.

You dial the number and walk into the hallway.

“Dick? Dick? Dick? Dick?DDDDIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DICKIE!!!! Who are you talking to?

Is that Bob?

Is it Mike?

Is it Jane?

I want to say hi!

Can I say hi?

DICK!!!! I. WANT. TO. SAY. HI. TO. JOHN!!

DDDDDDDIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!”

Remember.

No swearing.

No scarring-for-life-screamfests.

Oh yeah.

No empty threats either.

“I’m so sorry. Can you hold on for one second?” you say to the very important customer on the other end of the line.

You put the phone down.

You grab your employees by the arms, drag them into your office, through clenched teeth threaten them with the longest, most tedious job assignment EVER, and close the door behind you.

You are confident you have scared the crap out of them. They will do whatever the hell you tell them to do.

You finish your phone call. You head back to the office where you are sure you will see your employees obediently waiting for you.

And you see this:

But don’t worry.

It’s almost 10:00.

You only have seven hours to go until you get to go home.

I mean, unless you are a stay at home mom.

Then you get to do this shit 24/7.

Related post: 25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom