Wet And Hard

In vs. out.

Up vs. down.

Boys vs. girls.

Bacon vs. bitter, sad vegetarians.

That night at an adult birthday party, a beautiful example innocently presented itself during a lady-talk sidebar. I was in a semi-circle of women, loud with liquor mouths, shout-lamenting how we know we need to drink like 57 liters of water every day, but it suuucks and can’t we swill yummy things insteeeeeaaaad. (When you’re drunk, words get 14 extra syllables.)

The dudes nearby were totally perplexed.

Water is wonderful!

Water sustains life!

Water makes boobs visible under shirts!

Water keeps vaginas clean for penetration!

I thought for a second and realized why we were on opposite sides of this First World lament.

Every day women are subtly bombarded with:

“Hey, is your face full of adult acne? Filthy pores need water!”

“Hey, are you overeating? Sip more water to keep your mouth busy!”

“Hey, do you have a headache? Have you met Dr. Water?

“Hey, HEY HEY HEY HEY!”

Is something else bothering you, and you just can’t put your finger on it? If you don’t know the answer, THE ANSWER IS WATER.

Water. Drink liters of it. Never eat again. Never worry again. Buy a $32 dollar water bottle that 17 fashion bloggers swear by and fill it up and down it until your bladder is swinging between your legs, your labia kissing off your kneecaps.

WATER.

Make it more exciting! Infuse it, SodaStream it, drink it warm, drink it upside down, put cayenne pepper and honey in it and fast, and almost eat your own knuckles, but you’ll look and feel so much better!

WATER!

Sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you over my stomach lining screaming for mercy as it struggles with an Amazon River’s worth of fluid pounding down upon the hour. Can you tell me again when I get back from the bathroom for the 76th time today?

Basically, girls dutifully down their media-recommended eight cups of clear fluid every day so that we might have a chance at our best life.

Dudes drink water because they’re thirsty and near a tap.

Opposites.