You Are Not Interesting When You Talk about These Things

14 Topics which no one will find interesting. Ever.

1. How many carbs you had today.

2. Last night’s dream.

3. Any dream. (Unless the dream stars the stranger(s) you’re talking to, then it’s RIVETING.)

© Flickr/M1k3

4. Which diets don’t work for you.

5. The person you’re obsessed with.

6. The organic food blog you want to start whose recipes are based on your personal life experiences. For instance, your dreams, the person you’re obsessed with and How-You-Ate-Too-Many-Carbs-Today-Kale-and-Cucumber-Salad-with-Ginger-Arame-Dressing.

7. How funny and amazing your child is when s/he says the same things every child on earth has ever said since the invention of lips. Ex’s: “You’re the most beautiful mama of all the mamas,” and “I love you more than the sun.”

8. The trio of shirts you bought on Everlane but one doesn’t fit you right so you’ll need to send it back and maybe you should get the swing trench, but you’re uncertain of the size or color and now, come to think of it, you’re worried it might be sold out.

9. Breast pumping is not an interesting topic.

© Flickr/Benjamin Jones

10. Nor is nipple confusion, or your see-sawing about whether or not to hire a lactation consultant.

11. Your baby’s fontanelle. (Cradle cap, on the other hand, is RIVETING.)

12. Anything to do with your “spiritual practice,” your “journey,” the role “Loving-kindness” plays in your life, what week you’re up to in “The Artists’ Way,” or, the worst offense…any mention of your “mentor.”

13.That magical weekend at Kripalu.

14. Words/phrases that will get you placed on The Annoying Party list (see No. 3, below): “Listicle,” “It is what it is,” “At the end of the day…” “I’m the kind of person who…” and “Amazeballs.”

14 Topics which everyone will find interesting. Always.

On the other hand… sometimes, we mistakenly believe we’re boring. Worse, we think we’re unfunny. From our lost warranties to our Morton’s Neuroma, we inadvertently dispense with the fodder and rely on the mundane, small-talking our way out of future invitations—which is great if you hate parties, but not so great if you’re lonely, or new in town. Below, please find your crib sheet for socializing. You don’t need to be a professional working comedian, or uniquely hilarious. Should any of these topics fall flat, blame the company.

1. How you spent the weekend in jail.

© Flickr/Angus McDiarmid

2. Worrisome baby names, such as: Endless Spiral, P’Orcelin, Tragedy, Challah and Levity.

3. Teach the person the game The Annoying Party (Trademark Pending!). Instructions: You are having a party and you may only invite the most annoying people you can think of (you don’t have to know them personally).

4. Secret homemade remedies for ailments.

5. Ailments.

6. The article about self you read on Brainpickings.

7. Holistic podiatry.

8. Inadvertently inappropriate things your child has said: “I want the dog to come on me!”

9. The best typos in OkCupid profiles: “Friday nights I usually stay home and coke in the kitchen.”

10. Life hacks. (Apple cider vinegar and baking soda clean better and more thoroughly than any store-bought product.)

11. Any best-kept secrets you have. (At 4:30, when you need a cab and you’re not going far, off-duty cabs will stop for you if you signal with your hand that you’re only going a short distance. To do this, pretend you’re holding a TV-sized face between your index finger and thumb.)

12. Anything about Transparent.

13. The line of kids’ clothes for adults you wish someone would invent.

© Flickr/Elvis Ripley

14. How to dye your clothes and have a new wardrobe in under an hour.

GOOD LUCK! Let me know how it goes.

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